I always tell people online and real life before EVER accepting a D/S relationship ask them a hundred questions before just running into it. You never know who they are or what someones triggers are or limits. So here is a list of questions to help you if you need it.
I'm only posting a list of the typical questions I ask. Because of my past experience's. If it helps at least 1 person not go through what I did...thats all that matters to me. Hope this helps ☺
1) Are you polygamous or monogamous? (if they are not the same as you are you need to really think about if your good with it if not keep looking... 9.5 outta 10 Your not gonna change them dont even try)
2) Are you currently single, married or in a poly relationship/house?
3) If married/ploy does your spouse/partners know? (If not chances are they wont leave them for you dont be a side bitch, your better than that. No need to settle.)
4) What are you looking for a part time, full time, live in, sex, online, real life or roll play relationship wise?
5) Do they have time for a D/S relationship? (by time i mean more than 1 to 3 times a week for 5 mins... Imo... For an example... If a top can give you a bedtime they sure as hell better be there to put you to bed!!! Even if its just a message cause there at work or message if not gonna be able to. As a top if you give your bottom a bedtime and there not messaging you goodnight at least by bedtime you need to reconsider the time or the relationship.)
6) Do you have any limits? (If they say no RUN AWAY... dont walk cause everyone does have limits. Even if new pedophilia, needles, rape etc theres is a limit or they are a predator or fake like i said RUN. If you need help finding out i have a 9 page kink/limit thing just ask.)
7) How many D/S relationships have you had? How many subs/tops? (This important cause if they only been in BDSM a short time and have had several its a flag even if poly if those have ended rather quickly.)
8) How or why did the relationships end? (This is important youll learn more out about them if they answer and why it didnt work dont be gulable though it cant always be the other persons fault.)
9) Can I speak to your ex subs/tops as a reference? (If they say no ask why... This is also a red flag most D/S relationships will allow you to speak to previous sub/top if not its possible you have something to be seriously worried about.)
10) If online... When are you going to cam? ( Notice I say when not would you. Now days everyone has access to a cam, smartphone, laptop etc. If they wont cam RUN AWAY its likely your being catfished or they are hiding something. If you have to wait for them to cam becareful if sending them pics you dont know whos on the other end. If waiting set a date as to when to cam by if they dont cam walk away. Id say 1 month is plenty of time to gain trust and cam up. Dont accept any excuses not even my phone broke or laptop I call bs. Also becareful of loop cams ask them to do something like raise your right hand or show me the puppy/book/newspaper. Always use voice when vid chating make sure to watch thier lips to see if words match up. I know right overly cautious but better to be safe than hurt.)
11) What is your safe word/words? (Most common is yellow for close to my limit and Red for stop immediately. But people have thier own also. Some people claim not to but when in a new D/S its important to have them imo.)
12) How many ways will I have to stay in contact with you? (you should have more than 1. Chat, cell, Skype, kik, email. I suggest all tbh but im picky and needy. Im not saying you immediately should give out your cell number. Id take a few months of talking before i give that out.)
13) How long does it take you to respond? (If there is an emergency you need to be able to contact them asap and they need to be able to respond quickly. If they take 1 or 2 days to respond walk away)
14) What kinks are you into?(may not be your kink)
15) Have you ever had real life experience in _____? (fill in blank)
16) What was your 1st BDSM in real life experience?
17) what was your 1st BDSM online experience?
18) Tell me about a time something went wrong during a scene and how it was dealt with?(this is hugeeeee if they say they've never have had anything go wrong FUCKING RUN FAR cause thats a bs ass lie. Everyone whos ever done BDSM has a story about the time something went wrong or didnt happen quite as planned I dont mean hospital wrong could be a knot done wrong or they hit a trigger.)
19) Tell me your most memorable scene? (youll get to know fakes by how they answer this question basicly the exact same just 1 or 2 differences like a googled premade story lol)
20) If you met online ask if real life is a possibility? (If thats something you want don't hide it be upfront and honest. Do not settle for less then what you want/need.)
21) Whats your role in bdsm that you feel fits you best (top/dom/domme/master/mistress/owner/daddy/mommy etc. Or bottom/pet/baby girl or boy/ babydoll/brat/slave/sissy/pain slut/maso etc.)?
22) Are you Male or Female? (Lol this might be needed never know whos behind the screen. If they are transgender or what they identify as to some it matters to others it doesnt)
23) When it come to rules are they up for discussion before being put into effect? (If they say no and your not into the whole 100% slave thing and have agreed to it RUN. There is no reason a rule should not be discussed before being put into effect.)
24) What are your expectations from this relationship? (make sure your on the same page not chapters apart)
25) Will there be a under consideration period?
26) If so for how long?
27) What will you be looking for during it? (both top and sub should be put under consideration imo that way you get a feel for how it will be and can both decide if its right for you personally)
28) If i want to be released or its not working out will you respect this and how will you go about it? (No isnt an acceptable answer here no matter what!!!!)
29) What does a collar mean to you?
30) Do you wear or give a collar to a potential bdsm partner?
31) What are a few different types of collars? (I ask this cause i want to know how much they really know)
32) How many collars have you had/given? (This will let you know how serious they are or if there Velcro collar types as a close friend I know calls it.)
33) Are there any protocols I need to be aware of? (make sure you agree to them if not let it be known)
34) What do you see as types of acceptable punishments?
35) Whats deserving of a punishment?
36) Will there be rewards for not being bad? (If your a good sub or top you should be rewarded imo)
37) Am I or you allowed to rp/scene with other people if were in a online chat room/at an event?
38) Do i need permission to pm with others/add people to my kik or skype etc?
39) Should I change my relationship status online? (This for me is iffy if your in a relationship why not put it up there. The way I feel personally if its a no they are probably hiding shit)
40) How would you respond to me not being comfortable to doing something you ask of me i.e. full nude pics or choking? (If they try to push you to remember this one thing... A real top/bottom would never make you do something your not ok with before everything comes your needs and safety they should never force you)
41) Beforecare what do you need before a scene?
42) Aftercare what do you need after a scene? (doesnt need to be Neosporin and cuddles. Hell it can be a bottle of water and leave me alone. Just let it be known care is for both tops and bottoms)
43) Will each play scene be discussed in detail or just played out? (If ok with it some scenes are ok to just play out with a basic understanding like cock worshipping or something non uggh... I dont wanna say nonpainful but in away sorta... but most need a play by play esp till your comfortable with your top/bottom and have that established)
44) What are you willing to do for aftercare? (Aftercare is important to me i want to know what do they consider it as)
45) Do you have any tiggers I should be aware of? (if they have been raped or abused or whatever this is a good thing to know so you can avoid those triggers or help them thru it.)
46) Do you have any health problems that need to be taken into account where your fetishes are concerned? i.e. low blood flow participants need to be extremely careful when doing rope bondage, or anything that could cut off circulation. (Not just about STDs you need to know if there is anything you need to be on the lookout for when in a scene)
47) What does online mean to you? Does it mean the same as rl, more or less?
48) Does anyone in your family or circle of friends know your involved in bdsm?
49) If yes, would you tell them about us or keep it hidden?
50) Are you into contracts? (no i dont mean 50shades style lol. I personally will do a contract with a sub myself. For the frist60 days to get a feel for everything and so expectations are known and clear as day)
51) Are you into being owned/ onwer or are you more a freelance type? (I myself know several that prefer no commitment just a fun time)
52) What is RACK?
53) What is SSC?
54) What is CNC?
55) Do you attend munches and or events in the local community?
56) If not why? (Dont accept my job yes we know several have that worry but not everyone. It is a legitimate worry so dont knock it pay attention to it through time though)
57) What do you prefer to be adressed as? (a lot have a preference.)
58) What type of top/bottom do you usually prefer?
59) What is completely unacceptable to you?
60) Are you in a good enough place in life to be able to make a D/S commitment?
61) Whats your favorite color? (you want to get to know them too)
62) Favorite food?
63) Favorite music?
64) Favorite position? (Dont mean sexual but you can i mean for a sub to be in)
65) Favorite movie? (I ask these because for me its not all about bdsm it also is about how well we connect)
66) Whats one thing that no matter what mood your in will make you laugh always?
67) Whats one way to surely piss you off?
68) Whats one way to always make you smile?
69)Do you like 69? (I had to lol)
70) Do you require pics and or videos to prove a task is done if your not avaiable to oversee it?
71) What type of tasks do you give/have you done previously?
72) Is there any rules that you like to keep in place no matter who your with?
73)What happens if we dont speak for a week is that normal for you? (Imo thats bs if a top/bottom cant take 5 mins out to say hi then they arent ready for a D/S tbh they should be spending ample time with you online or rl.)
74) If after no contact for 1 to 2 weeks does that deslove the relationship? (IMO fuck yes if they cant respond in 24 hrs why are you waisting your time. No excuses!!!)
75) Are you playful or strict what would you describe yourself as?
76) What is consent? (omg if they answer this with anything other then consent is verbal and alwaysssss needed fucking leave this is a big red flag of a predators.)
77) Do you have pets/kids? Do you understand and accept that the kids will always come frist? (some may not tell about the kids till comfortable cant blame them or get mad thats thier parental right to protect them)
78) Are you more into hardcore side of BDSM or the softer side?
79) Are you currently if in an online chat playing/talking/dating with anyone else? (Some times you have to be blunt when asking)
80) What times work best for you for us only time? (Its good imo to have a schedule. Plus we all get busy so remember to make us only time for play, talking, movies etc.)
81) What do you like that makes you feel like I thought of just you today. If I was able to wear, send or do something that youd know would just be for you?
82) Do you share or loan out your partner? (Yes this is a thing both rl and online)
83) If you had to pick what would be the worst movie you have ever seen?
84) Are you more of a for your eyes only person or do you like to flaunt whats yours infront of others?
85) Have you ever mentored anyone rl or online? explain the experience?
86) Do you like receiving/ giving anal, oral or vaginal sex? (Not all will be sexual relationships)
87) whats your experience with impact play?
88) What makes a partner safe to play with?
89) Can you identify partners who are potentially dangerous? What signs show you this? (Ask yourself this)
90) What have you learned from your previous BDSM relationships?
91) How many partners have you been with sexually? (this may matter to you however it should always be asked before hoping into bed with them)
92) When was your last STD check? (If your going to get physical condoms dont always work so ask)
93) Did it come back clean?
94) Can you provide proof of it? (Yes if i meet up rl i want clean papers or your not getting shit)
95) What is a Dungeon Master? (Here at rl events we have dungeon masters they are simply there to proctect and make sure scenes are safe. They keep a lookout for people making sure there coherent, using safe words, and always safe)
96) What do you find most important about your top/bottoms experience thoughts, feelings, sexual needs or etc? Please explain in detail. (If you find one that puts your thoughts and feelings 1st always asking if your ok how are you doing how it made you feel thats a keeper)
97)Would you be ok going to rl events or private parties together? (not all are comfortable with this however i feel its important to be apart of the community. If you do also and they dont keep looking youll find someone who has your same values on it or at least be with someone who wont squash that side of you)
98) How do you feel about the silent treatment as a punishment? (For me and alot of subs i know this is a hard limit. Its hard enough being introuble without not having any type of communication for me. If they are into this i ask for it to not be a thing they do if they wont agree or still do it i walk)
99) How much importance do you place on communication? (You cant have a succesful relationship without it)
100) Have you ever been vetted? ( before you ever met someone rl make sure you vet them. The vetting process I do before an online transition to rl met up is... I ask for a Drivers licence or like to be sent to me thru email. I inform them that this email acct is a locked email acct and 1 other person has access to it but will not access it unless I do not make or take my safe calls. Then i always send them mine its a trust thing. I ask them to make safe calls also. Upon meeting i say my hellos and make my call immediately then from that point my safe call will call or text ranomdly over the next 3 plus hrs if its not answered or given the all clear that person would access the email and take precautions necessary like calling the cops. My safe call always knows the adress also to where i am. I also let them know all of this. If they DO NOT AGREE NO MATTER WHAT DO NOT MEET THEM!!! If they dont agree they are a predator. If they have been vetted still do this but you can also check if a persons been vetted if they have a fetlife acct ask them for what event thru which group contact that group leader and ask about them they will gladly help you. I know i am overly cautious some may think but safety frist always.)
101) Are you intrested in trying ? (if after all this there still around thats a plus and they havent thrown up any big red flags this is when i will ask if there interested in giving it a try as long as were on the same page)
Well this is my list of 100 questions im sure i left a lot out but heck you can ask a million and still have more. I think this is a great starter. I hope this helps a little and congrats if you made it thru all 100 lol. And yes i can answer all these and so has my wolfie. Just dont expect someone else to answer them honestly if you cant. Smiles best of luck weeding out the fakes.
