Randomness

Forewarning..... this is a long one.

We all have trauma.  No doubt.  In this crazy world we live in, no one can escape someone sort of trauma.  How people deal and/or respond to their trauma can vary and it definitely can be a deciding factor on how well they heal from the trauma they have endured.

Problem is...... sometimes we aren't always aware of the issues that trauma creates within us.  Especially.... if it's a chronic or long with stood trauma.   

I know I have issues.  I'm the first to tell anyone that I have issues.   20 years of slow conditioning in an emotional, psychological, and sometimes (more rarely) abusive relationship...... creates alot of issues within a person.  I won't get into my list of things I'm working on with myself.

One thing I am recently figuring out is.... my abandonment Issues.  And...... more so.... how deep those issues run.

Brief overview of a small piece of my world.......

I am under a tremendous amount of stress and pressure at the moment.  Been dealing is a nasty divorce for 1.5 years now (we were seprated 1.5 years prior to the divorce)..... that had been put off due to a CPS case against him.  The CPS case is in the courts, CPS is going after child abuse and neglect on him.   But..... custody can't be determined until the cps case is resolved.   You get the point. 

Anyways....... I've known for awhile that I have abandonment issues.   I mean.... for years I couldn't trust anyone to actually be there for me.  I was always on my own.  Like, promises were repeatedly made, then broken...... sometimes intentionally to sort of teach me that I'm dependent upon him.  I learned to only rely on myself, never ask for help, never take help, never allow anyone to hold something over my head, never have to "owe" anyone anything.......

Except..... I'm out now.   I've been out for 2 years.  My kids are still dealing with hell, and sometimes I hate myself for not staying...... but..... I couldn't anymore.  Me being there was causing the kids to go through more crap, than just his crap.  

So..... how do I deal with my abandonment issues?   That's the question and also..... a hard answer because unfortunately it's one of those things that.... once you've reached a certain point in healing from this issue...... you can't progress any further until you are confronted with a situation that triggers that trauma response of ..... feeling abandoned.

One thing I have always admired and loved about the bdsm world ...... is the depthness and bond between a Dom and his submissive.   Taking into consideration that every dynamic is different...... of course.  But it's that open, transparent deep connection, communication, trust, and bond that is found within a dynamic that brings me a HUGE amount of security. 

I don't want to be on my own.  I never have. 

I want to be able to rely on someone else.  I just..... struggle to be able to trust someone enough to rely on them.   But..... I want it.  I need to be able to rely on someone.   I need that connection, that bond, that security.......  I need it like the body needs water.  Or at least that's how I feel.  Of course history has proven I am able to do things on my own.  But..... I truly love being able to rely on someone and know they are always there.

Current situation that triggered my abandonment issue....... and now I don't know how to handle it.

Earlier this week, I was sick.  I don't get sick often.  But when I'm sick, I can get clingy and needy when I'm in a relationship where I feel safe enough to express that.

My Dom knew I was sick.  I asked him to come over cuz I just needed him there (me being clingy and needy).  Which is a HUGE risk/accomplishment for me because I've been working on allowing myself to be more vulnerable and more open to him, and allow him to.... well.... take care of me when I need it.  It's been a slow progress for over a year.  I'm finally getting to the point where I feel confident that he's there and I can be vulnerable and rely on him.

Only..... he said he was busy at work and couldn't come..... which.... I get.  But.... then he proceeded to tell me that if I wanted to be taken care of I needed to come to him (which is an hour drive).  Ok... I was throwing up, on the couch, body aches, etc.  Probably not the best choice to drive.  He also knew that.  He works from home, and kinda makes his own schedule, but still work is work and I do understand that.  I think it was more his approach to me that made me feels completely rejected.

Like, I ALWAYS go to him.  So, the fact that he wanted me to drive in my condition, kinda upset me.  But...... it was also the dismissive attitude he gave me that really seemed to trigger that rejection and abandonment issue within me.   Just that "I'm busy, deal with things on your own" sort of approach he had with me..... just really struck a cord.

So, at the end of the day..... I told him I was mad and I told him why.  Nothing but excuses and a half hearted apology with more excuses.

I left it alone for a couple of days...... thinking that maybe I was just mad and just need to cope/deal with my issues.  Mind you.... totally understanding that I am the one that definitely was triggered by the situation and..... I have issues.

So..... I'm trying to not over respond to my issues.  

Except..... 5 days later.... I'm still struggling.  I can't sleep tonight.  I made the bad mistake of calling him to discuss it, I should have waited until morning.   But.... again all I got was apologies with exceptions.  "I'm sorry but......"   WTF!  THATS NOT AN APOLOGY IF IT COMES WITH SHIFTING BLAME!

I told him that as well...... which..... actually went better than I thought.  Cuz he then realized that maybe he could have handled the situation differently to begin with.  And he did verbalized that.

And we talked through the situation finally.  So all should be good right?

Except..... I'm still triggered.  I'm now catching myself not believing him.  He told me that "he's always there for me" and before I could stop myself..... my response was "yeah, until the next time you are too busy to deal with me".

OUCH!   My response was totally inappropriate and uncalled for.  I was even surprised by my own response.

I feel the doubt, the battle going on in my head, the battle going on with my emotions......

I don't know how to handle this situation.  I feel like I've been rejected, left on my own...... all over again.  I feel all of those emotions just washing over me everytime I even think about him.   I know it's the trauma responses, I know it's because of my past, I know that this truly is a stupid and simple issue that shouldn't cause the response I'm feeling.   But..... everything I know is logical knowledge.

I'm deal with emotional turmoil and responses that is clouding my logical thinking.   My heart hurts.  I feel like he left me alone after I tried so hard to be vulnerable to him.  I feel rejected.  I feel...... just..... I don't even know...... 

This is so stupid!   Logical brain is way more simple than the emotional heart and brain.

Trauma sucks!   I hate that I'm triggered.  But now..... how do I recover from this?  I don't want to end the relationship...... it honestly wasn't that big of an issue.  But.... I can't be in a relationship where I'm constantly doubting his words, I'm doubting him.

I know it's not him.  It's me.   I'm thankful he seems to understand that he triggered me, and that I'm trying to work through.  I just don't know how to.

Anyone have any advice?   I would be very appreciative.