Sometimes being a woman in control can be an overwhelming burden. Last night my grit was truly tested. I had been awake since 6 am. I worked my eight hour shift and waited patiently for my associate to come in to take my place. They never showed. They neither called nor came. I was extremely exhausted, because stupidly enough I had done the yard work around my house that morning. Instead of napping as any smart and sane person would have, I stayed up and continued with school work that would soon be due.
I am not the greatest at thinking when I am beyond exhaustion. Plus I had been keeping silent on little frustrations of things my boss had been neglecting. So what happened, I may have boiled over, and tried to close the place down. Fortunately the doors could not be locked and I was stuck. Unfortunately, it meant the lack of sleep, frustration, and anger would soon boil over. Now that I think back on my night, it is quite laughable that I had sat down to type out my two week notice. I was fuming that my boss had taken an unscheduled vacation for eight days, even though they took every single weekend off, and never covered shifts. Instead as assistant manager the covering of shifts was left to me. That added to being forced to work several different swing shifts each week while trying to keep my school work going, well it just tends to add up.
In my head I was begging God to send the associate to work, to let it just be some misconception of time, or scheduling. Nope nothing, by the time 1130 rolled around I was dejectedly resigned to my fate of staying up for 24 plus hours. This is dangerous for me. I have a history of manic episodes of suicidal Ideation. I have grown so much since that time. I found a purpose and a reason to fight and keep pushing, and I guess my biggest fear is another episode. It is why I am so set on getting at least 6 hours of sleep everyday. I push myself it is true, but I never push myself to the brink, I always keep that safety net. This would have been the second time I had had to pull a 24 plus hr night. I had told my boss last time that this was never to happen again. Had made it quite clear I would not tolerate it. Alas in this world bosses just don't seem to care. So I took a breath, held it in and meditated for two mins in my mind. A quiet calm descended, and I was ready to face the night. I was strong, I could do this , I could hold my own. Then like an angel of mercy, one of my associates, who has another job, came swooping in and begged to get the hours, saying they needed them desperately. The immense relief and hope I felt in that moment were indescribable.
My prayers had been answered, but not in the way I had expected. I realized in that moment, that perhaps I was taking on more than I could handle. I thanked them repeatedly, as I counted down my drawer, and gathered my things. I clocked out, and headed home in my beat up truck. My heart filled with warmth as I let the windows down and stuck my hand out to feel the night air as it blew by me. I had a lot to think about and process. After getting home and letting my fur baby out to use the bathroom, I lay down and sleep claimed my weary soul quickly.
This morning I enjoyed a repast of scrambled eggs and toast, as I sat thinking about my current situation. Clearly a position of management was not in my best interest at this time, and having a boss who just didn't care, and kept throwing me around on shifts, and not making an effort to alleviate our extremely short staffed business, was not helping. I mulled over the thought of the fact that I really enjoyed pushing my employees to try harder, and rewarding them for their efforts. Leaving would put a hardship on them. I hated it, but I also had to think about myself. My mental health and well being were something I had never thought about before the big change in my life. I had always put everyone before me. Since the big change I had had to learn a different way of thinking and dealing with things. Selfcare became prominent, and hard work next. I had worked really hard to obtain the new position. Coming in whenever others called out, staying late to help get things done, learning everything that needed to be done to maintain the running of the store. Still when I look at the entire situation I realize that to put myself first I would need to step back and step down. That being said I also realize that a measly 10.50 an hour would never get me by. 16.50 was what I really needed to pay all my bills and get things done.
So with a heavy heart I made the decision to leave my job. I have already put in with another company that pays 16 an hr. It is hard, because I truly enjoy working with my associates, guiding, teaching, directing, and rewarding them has brought many a smile to my face. The fact that I can goof off with them, and cause them to laugh with comedy, and silliness even though we are on the job is something I will always carry with me. I hope that they remember the things I have taught them, and to remember that sometimes we just have to laugh and make the best of a bad situation. I think I will also miss our regulars. So many I have come to know personally, and enjoy seeing them come back. I also hate that I am taking a step back, but it also seems like a step forward.
For to long I have put others before me, and for once I am taking steps to protect myself, my health, and my mentality. Its hard, but its necessary. I definitely consider this progress forward instead of regression. I just wish I wasn't leaving such a hardship behind me. However, two weeks notice is more than enough time for my boss to find my replacement. they just have to make the effort. I've had enough of doing all the work they are suppose to. Enough that I am finally leaving. I don't know what the future holds for me at this point, but I do know I will never give up, and never stop fighting. I am who I am , and for me that is enough.