Dirty Pretty Things

My minds a mess.  My hearts a mess. My emotions are a mess.  Does that make me messy?

Sixteen carriages drivin' away

While I watch them ride with my dreams away

To the summer sunset on a holy night

On a long back road, all the tears I fight

Happy Birthday to a close friend on the Cage ~ @ Varangian. Let's make this a Birthday post to celebrate him. Drop your birthday wishes here ♡

I confess I had other motives for my blog challenge. It wasnt so much about others defining us but it was more about finding a way to get people commenting, having conversations and sharing laughs. A way to bond the community. I wanted to think of something that would encourage people to go out of their way and comment, even on strangers blogs. I wanted it to be reciprocal.  Leave a comment, get a comment. 

These are my final thoughts:

~ Some quiet members who don't usually participate or post, came and joined in

~ Almost everyone seemed to have fun & laughs and I loved seeing that. The fuzzy feelings were everywhere. 

~ I met some new people, i hope y'all did too 

~ I've never seen so much activity! There was so many comments & notifications. It was wild!

~ I saw a lot of really nice comments and want to thank everyone that participated.  ♡

Hi😊. I've been thinking a lot about self-worth lately. I always find it interesting to see how others view themselves. And then I wonder how they see me. I can't be the only one who gets curious?!

This inspired a challenge. I thought it could be a fun exercise to see how each of us impacts others in the community.

* The Define Me Challenge *

~ post this challenge in your blog

~ watch out for other challenge posts & go respond the one word you feel best describes them. 

~ you may only use one word, so choose wisely 

~ you may NOT use the same word someone has already said, be unique!

~ The responses will vary based on how well the poster knows you 

~ Different people are good at seeing different characteristics 

Define me in just one word.

Happy Birthday to a dear friend on the Cage ~ @ Amor Animus. Let's make this a Birthday post to celebrate him.  Leave a comment about a funny story, how you met,  etc.

I've always considered Valentines to be a bullshit Hallmark holiday. If you love someone,  you should appreciate them every day and not just on the 14th when you're supposed to. I have girl friends who expect a list of gifts for vday and it annoys me. A lot. That's not what it's about.  Expensive gifts doesn't mean you're loved. 

My idea of showing your love? It's wildflowers not roses. It's something colorful and unique that you tell the florist to put together cuz it reminds you of me. It's the new Lego flowers that we build together snuggled on the couch. It's a message or sweet text telling me what I mean to you. It's cooking together in the kitchen taking breaks to kiss and dance and twirl me around in your arms. It's a walk through the park holding hands while you whisper the naughty things you want to do to me later. That's special to me. 

Love isn't complicated. But people are. Say how you feel and make sure your actions reflect your words. One without the other is not meaningful.  

Whether you're alone, together or apart today ~ celebrate love ❤️. 

I've always been an overachiever. I was expected to be the best at everything and to be perfect. But no matter how well I did, it was never enough. I received honor awards in school and was consistently top of my class, but it wasn't good enough. Several times, my teachers had recommended me to advance and skip a grade, but my parents said no.

I was set up to fail from the beginning by parents with unrealistic expectations. They would never be pleased or proud of me but I didn't realize this until much later. I had no positive reinforcement or affection growing up. I didn't realize what I was missing. It was just my normal.

Maybe that's why i have such a praise kink now. Okay more than maybe. The slightest approval and recognition from Daddy sends shivers through my body and fills me with a rush of endorphins. It's like I've been starving for it my whole life. When He calls me nicknames and pet names, it gives me butterflies. When he praises me or shows affection, I'm like a flower. Slowly unfurling my delicate petals to bask in His sunshine. Daddy gives me the nourishment I've always needed to finally be the me I was meant to be.

https://www.reactiongifs.com/r/mtphr.gif

Trigger Warning - violence, physical abuse.

I was 17 or 18 the first time he really lost control and hurt me badly. We had dinner that evening at a local restaurant with a group of friends. At one point mid conversation, I accidentally spilled a drink on the table. We all helped sop it up with napkins, and it wasn't a big deal until I saw the look in his face. He was silent the rest of the meal and didn't speak to me. Our friends glanced curiously at us several times because he was stone cold quiet, and i was fidgety and nervous. I just sensed something. We got in his car and headed home, but it would become the next day before I arrived.

He turned down a side gravel road and went about 5kms down. It was evening time in the spring, and a chill was in the air. It was just starting to get dark. I tentatively asked where we were going, and again, no response came. The road was a dead end, leading to just a local radar station. I knew time was running out. He suddenly slammed on the brakes and stopped the car. I was confused but knew it was about to be bad. I had that prickly feeling of fear and that sick feeling of dread in my tummy.

He came around to the passenger side, opened my door, and grabbed me. He tried to pull me out of the car, but i grabbed on to whatever i could. He lost his temper and started kicking and punching me. He was screaming that I embarrassed him by spilling a drink on the table. I was stunned and confused but started hysterically apologizing to stop his assault. I was smaller than him and he pulled me out and threw me to the side of the road easily. He kicked and kicked at me while i covered my head and face with my arms and curled into a ball. Once his rage subsided, he left me lying in the muddy ditch. 

The next thing I remember was being so cold. I woke up to pitch darkness and the sounds of wildlife. Crickets, coyotes and distant cars on the highway. I was in a world of pain. It hurt to just breathe. My teeth were chattering and I was shaking uncontrollably and it just hurt so fucking much. I could taste blood and my face felt swollen and tight and my head pounded. I was soaking wet from puddles and mud in the ditch, no jacket, no purse or phone. I dont know how long it was until I could move. I think about 6 to 8 hours because the moon was very high in the sky.

The moon and stars kept me company that night as I stumbled my way down the country road. After some time, I was pleasantly numb from both the cold and some of the pain. At some points, I was scared of the wild coyotes howling but I was even more scared of him coming back so I just kept going. I think I made it to the main 2 lane highway about 6am. It was about 7kms more to town and the small duplex we rented. I made my way in the ditch because there were many cars on this busy road and I didnt want anyone to see me. I was so embarrassed and ashamed and scared at that point. I was definitely in shock. I trudged, slowly on and on. I laid in the deep weeds in the ditch to hide from cars that may have seen me in the headlights. It was a small town, and everyone knew everyone. I crawled at times and at some times I just laid there when I couldn't move any further. The worst part was I didn't know where to go or have a safe place, because we lived together. About midday I made it home, saw that the car was not there and breathed a sigh of relief. I broke in through the bedroom window that we always kept open a crack. I was not in good shape. I changed to dry clothes, grabbed blankets and hid myself in the closet. As the warmth came back to my body, so did the pain. I closed my eyes and faded away.

I love the bucket analogy. 🪣 

We each have an invisible bucket. When our bucket is full, we feel amazing, happy and fulfilled. Our bucket fills up from positive actions and behaviours like affection, praise, and gratitude. A compliment from someone or maybe a hug. A few kind words, a door held open or even from giving advice to a friend. We can also take precious water from our bucket and give it to someone else.

When our bucket is empty, we feel just awful, worn out and drained. Sometimes we concentrate on filling other's buckets and ours dwindles down to the very last drop before we realize it. 

I've always been horrible at monitoring my own bucket. I think the red flashing light on it is broken. I always am the girl who puts other's first. I give and give until I'm utterly exhausted and then I retreat and put on my comfy, introvert pajamas & hide away for a bit.

It's so incredibly different having someone who wants to protect me and take care of me. He encourages me to take time for myself, for self-care and time to just refill my bucket. He ever so gently guides me to understand & realize that to truly help others, I need to be at my best or its counter productive. ♡

Challenge created by the lovely ButterfliesandCuffs

My theme is fate/destiny.

With You by Tyler Shaw