The most common question I get, (besides play with yourself on camera for me 🙄) is what made you interested in bdsm or being submissive. But this question has really made me think. Its not so much that I'm 'interested', being submissive is what feels right, it feels freeing, it feels fullfilling, it feels like me.
I've been through a lot of traumatic things in my troubled life. Have they contributed to who I am today? Definitely. Have they contributed to making me submissive? Maybe. My first milestone was being abandoned at age 15. I was very sheltered and from a strict, upper middle class family and probably spoiled. Not with love and affection (there was none of that) but with objects. Thrust out into the cold world when my mothers new boyfriend decided kids were a pain in the ass. They moved to Vancouver and left me behind with a small backpack and nothing else. I was dropped off at a friends and just never was picked up. It was a cruel turn of events and I was incredibly lost.
At first it seemed safer without the abusive men who would hang around my mother and get joy from hurting me or the handsy ones who wanted to touch me inappropriately. I had never been kissed, never been touched sexually, a complete virgin. I suddenly had no choice but to be independant and take care of myself. That mostly included finding a safe place to sleep and hopefully some food that day. I was filled with conviction I would never get into drugs or alcohol like so many teens and I never did. At 16, i acquired a fulltime job, made enough for rent and a bit of food and learned to survive. Survival mode is exhausting and doesnt leave any time or energy for pleasure. You live from one disaster to the next. My friends were going to the movies and parties and I was trying to make it through one day at a time. At that age, it feels like you are prey to many, a small fish in the big pond of life with no guidance and its so damn hard to understand. Actually, I have been feeling that way on The Cage too, so perhaps we have come full circle? Lol.
I never had the time or pleasure or ability to have fun. I had to be in control, responsible, always on guard. Maybe that was the first stepping stone into why I crave to give up my control to someone and just "feel" life. Why I need to feel safe and wanted. From a psychological perspective, it certainly makes sense.
