Some helpful tips for new Dominants... Part 1
1. You will fuck up...
New Dominants WILL make mistakes. It’s a fact of life. To be fair, experienced Dominants will make mistakes. Intermediate Dominants will make mistakes. If you are a Dominant or think you want to be a Dominant, you will make a mistake. At least one for sure. But probably a whole lot more than one.
Accept it and move on.
The only thing that makes a mistake worse is not learning from them. Use them as opportunities to grow and learn. Talk to people about them. Figure out what went wrong then incorporate that and try not to do it again.
If you act like everything you do is perfect and without flaw, then you are an idiot and whoever plays or submits to you will also be an idiot. Because none of us are perfect. But what we can do is try to learn from the mistake and improve our skills, on an ongoing basis for the rest of our lives.
2. Beating someone does not make you a Dominant...
Any idiot can figure out how to use a flogger, cane, crop, do rope, punch, kick, etc. The list goes on. Simply because you have become adept at kicking someone’s a$$ is not the mark of a Dominant. It just means you have the potential to be abusive. At best, it makes you a Top. For the record, there is nothing wrong with being a Top. But not every Top is a Dominant. For many people, they are completely different terms.
There is much more to being a Dominant than simply engaging in impact play. And please do not confuse what happens in a scene as your goal for an overall daily relationship role. That would be like thinking the sex scenes that pornstars do on film are an accurate reflection of regular vanilla sex.
3. Ask questions...
Ask as many questions as you can, of whom ever you can, about just about anything you can. For every pompous jackass out there who thinks they are too good to help out a new person, there are several more who are more than willing to assist new Dominants. You can learn something from almost everyone, even if it is what not to do or what you don’t want to do. The more questions you ask of individuals the more informed you will become. And don’t limit yourself to just Dominants. There are submissives and slaves out there with a wealth of experience and knowledge who you can draw from as well. Their knowledge is just as valid as a Dominants is for you. In fact, they tend to be much more willing to share and give you the time and attention necessary for you to fully understand and digest the knowledge given you. And then of course to also answer your follow-up questions that are sure to come up. Also, they have the unique perspective of not only completely understanding the submissive end of it, but also being able to explain the Dominant end of it as it pertains to them.
4. Be realistic about who and what you are...
If you give yourself a title such as Sir or Master or Mistress and you have only been in the scene a few months, prepare to be mocked and laughed at. Seriously. It’s not cool. Now, of course, you are free to refer to yourself in any way you see fit. Likewise, people are free to respond in a way that THEY see fit. If you are 26, 36 or 56 years old and have only been involved for 3 months, perhaps calling yourself Master Tony isn’t the best idea. And expecting people to refer to you as such probably isn’t going to fly.
Understand that there are people who go years before attaching a monicker to themselves. Or better yet, before the community gives them that title. Because that is the definition of earned. Respect that. Don’t make a mockery of their time and energy simply because you thought it would be cool to add Master or Mistress to your name. Especially if you aren’t one yet (emphasis on yet — because who knows, it very well could happen). And will, if you are willing to devote the time and energy necessary to achieve it
5. Just because you saw someone do it, doesn’t mean you can, or should even try to...
So you went to a private play party or went to a demo and saw someone do something really cool and interesting. The person doing it made it look so easy that you are sure, with your vast intelligence, that you can do it as well, right?
Wrong!
The reason they made it look easy is most likely because they’ve been doing it for quite a while. They’ve had a bunch of practice and have studied it. Maybe had a mentor show them how to do it. The value of hands-on experience cannot be overstated. But who knows where they originally gained the knowledge?
But I think it's safe to say, they didn’t just decide to grab a needle and thread and sew somebody's pussy shut, without doing some sort of incredibly thorough research and looking into all of the things that go into that activity long before ever actually trying it.
So when you see something happen that you want to try, first observe as closely as possible without overly encroaching on the participants. And then when appropriate, refer to item #3.
Ask the person questions, provided their scene is over or maybe at the conclusion of the demo. If they are giving a demonstration, then they are there to answer questions, so ask them and make sure you figure out how to do that cool thing before you try it for real.
