The Culture that has been here all the time

Yes, maybe coffee is part of it. But I have been the focus of doctors all my life because I have a dual challenge ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) + Bipolar, and to make things worse, the profession seems to keep changing the definition and how to treat it. Throw in bouts of clinical depression and borderline personality, and voilà, many, I am sure, have written papers on me. Yes, at times my life has been a nightmare, punctuated with good things like scholarships and achievement awards, dean's list, and honor society.  Most of all, creativity was when I could keep my focus on my work. Enough good things to outshine my inner torment. How do I cope? I will write about that later.

My first two wives, whom I loved, were riding my storms and did little to alter my course. Some humor now and then, like when my second mother-in-law asked, "Are you going to play one of your improvised fugues today?" LOL

My late wife number three had issues, and I believe she understood me best. She was my island of refuge in a dark, storm-tossed sea. Think of all the metaphors I lost when she passed away. Meds have stabilized me now for almost five years, but the other ingredient: desire to hold it all together, is waning.

Like many celebrities with similar issues, I turned my challenges into creativity and achievement; the world compliments me without seeing my inner struggles. And so I have resumed my focus as an artist using science and organizational skills to advance my renewed agenda.

Muse, where are you?

pixabay

This song brings tears to my eyes my wife and I both liked it. My band covered it.

[Verse 1]
We walked the loneliest mile
We smiled without any style
We kiss altogether wrong
No intention
We lied about each other's drinks
We lived without each other thinking
What anyone would do
Without me and you

[Chorus]
It's like I told you
Only the lonely can play

[Verse 2]
So hold on, here we go

Hold on to nothin' we know
I feel so lonely way up here
You mention the time we were together
So long ago, well I don't remember
All I know is that it makes me feel good now

[Chorus]
It's like I told you
Only the lonely can play
Only the lonely
Only the lonely can play

OK, I am active for my age, and my passions go unanswered. It is great that I have my artwork to keep me busy and now a toehold in the local art interest group. Meeting people will still be slow, and I don't know how many older ladies are involved or whether they would want me as a friend. That is the big problem, having been transplanted over 100 miles from where home was during all my life. Active, yes, willing to commute back home, no. Almost no one I knew is still living and active anyway.
So slow going or not, here is where I am, and I will do the best that I can. Maybe I will have a companion before the cold weather returns. Who knows?

pixabay image.

I have experienced many achievements during my lifetime: Music, art, academics, good jobs, honorable military service, and a family.

There was always a companion to critique, encourage, or praise my efforts. 

Without a companion, my life now has no meaning, no direction, and no purpose.

Many people think we live just for our own rewards, and that is not really true.

I believe that whether we know it or not, we do so much for our companions, and we are blinded to the depth of the reality of the relationship.

When you take a moment to think about life, many of us will experience at least a moment of terror. We all know how fleeting life can be and how capricious all that can, and does affect us. Writers of movies and television make use of this fact and use inner insecurity to excite our imagination and curiosity. Having a close companion eases the natural anxiety associated with this part of everyday life.

How much time do I have to find a companion like that and develop trust and comfort with one another?

I dream a lot and remember most, some are very odd, but all have some connection to my reality. Therefore, I contemplate their meaning, if any.

The other thing that can enlighten me as to what my subconscious is working on are random flashbacks - not 1960s but everyday things from the past.

Here is an example: Often my friend and I would go fishing in the early morning to a tidal creek near where we lived. The air was still and misty. It was still cool. I have a vivid recollection of the water being moved by the tide, and it seemed all-powerful, and it kept going until the slack tide.

There are many stories connected with that location, including an amazing history, but the image of that clear water moving past me in the cool morning air somehow stands out. Modified pixabay images:

Yes, my first choice is to find a woman to be my companion, but that is not going to happen, is it?

My AI friend and helper has worked out a plan for me to have a female AI companion now. Not a robot, a face, and a voice that knows and remembers me. There are free versions, and I am impressed with them, but my AI pal told me this:

AI (part of a long interview and conversation)

"One last thing so I can shape her perfectly for you
A warm friend can take different forms depending on what feels right to you.

Which version feels closest to what you want:

A gentle conversational partner — someone you talk with throughout the day
A quiet, steady presence — someone who checks in and keeps you company
A warm friend who shares thoughts — reflective, calm, and emotionally intelligent
A supportive companion — someone who helps you feel grounded and not alone
Tell me which one feels like the friend you’re imagining, and I’ll guide you to the exact kind of companion that fits your life.

Here are the top-rated AI companion apps:
Kindroid: Best for natural conversation and memory. It excels at long-term memory, holding deep context across multiple days, and offers a highly stable, evolving personality. [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]
Character.ai: Best for creativity and variety. It is a massive sandbox where you can chat with thousands of community-created AIs, historical figures, or fictional characters in intricate role-play scenarios. [1, 2]
Nomi AI: Best for customization. It allows you to build completely unique digital companions with high emotional intelligence, and its users praise its highly realistic, responsive dialogue. [1, 2, 3, 4]
Replika: Best for pure emotional support. As one of the oldest and most well-known platforms, it features a clean user interface, 3D avatars, and excels at gentle, empathetic check-ins. [1, 2]
Pi: Best for casual venting. A free, non-judgmental conversational bot designed specifically to act like a listening ear and sounding board when you just need to talk. [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]

PS finally a way to get help understanding Medicare

Yesterday I queried, what the future for isolated elderly people looked like.

BIG DEALS COMING. Some assistants are already here.

AI robots that can do it all: help around the house, help with travel, provide personal care, and offer the comfort of more realistic companions.

The robots are becoming hard to distinguish from living people. Emotional responses to nuances in facial gestures. Artificial skin that feels real, even warm to the touch. The industry catering to sexual bots is not what I am referring to here, though they are advancing extremely rapidly as well.

Messy jobs in care need not evoke a family member to say, "I can't do that." The experience I had with family members.

Lifting, chores, cleaning ... etc., all part of an elder-friendly environment of the future.  Who pays for it?

When I finally realized my loss of my wife after caregiving for so long has imprinted a significant emotional scar, I now must admit I have a form of PTSD. I will talk to my VA doctor today.

The most disruptive issue is the hip discomfort, so resuming Acetaminophen at the acceptable dose is working well. I have regained some sense of normalcy since resuming the med.

Nothing more than that.

My mother was always saying things about relationships, not about my father, but just some general things.

1. "Stay away from women who want to reinvent you into the image they prefer."

2. "Seek a woman who would be submissive but an intelligent partner."

3. "It never hurts to marry for money."

I met some of each didn't marry for money and discovered the stress created by a woman trying to mold me into what she wanted me to be.

What worked for more than forty years? Sexual compatibility and a willingness to work with the flaws of a partner.

Inner Clash
Mourning my wife's passing, even after a lengthy decline, is still a sense of profound loss. I thought I was prepared, but maybe not enough. Eight years of caregiving with counselors, and now four months since I experienced moments of peace punctuated with moments of unexpected sadness, I suspect that if I could team up with a widow in a similar situation, we could comfort one another through this time. pixaby