The Culture that has been here all the time

As mentioned often, my wife was afflicted by early-onset Dementia in 2017, and her decline has been steady. My job as her only caregiver has been a great challenge, especially with her needing near-total care.

She can sort of eat food with help, and still can walk usually, but the single greatest difficulty is aphasia. Without normal conversation, I can never be certain she understands me. She will laugh at some of my off-beat humor at times and has moments where she will offer a kiss and a hug, and a garbled "I love you" - that is the extent of our intimacy.

I suppose I am too frail a human who craves more but I will not abandon her. I have learned to be a better caregiver and understand that a person affected by dementia, memory loss and aphasia can have short spans of lucidness, but there is no cure and no reversal of her condition.

I half jokingly say that cats, dogs, and humans can adapt to almost anything, and so it is with me. I have adapted.

There is only the slimmest chance for some semblance of a normal social life, as people do not know how to behave in my wife's presence, and I can not leave her alone.

In the 1960s, we hippies were naive, believing the world could be run by people with the spirit of love. WRONG!

Greed and Power Seeking is number one. Hate is number two. The positive driving forces of empathy and Love are way down on the list.

Despite being well-educated people and numerous religious people in the World? They fall short. I see religion as a significant factor in promoting hate and violence. Ironically, humanism fares far better but is despised by many religious sects.

If the 1960s experienced a wave of positives and improvements for humans, these days it seems to be the opposite. We seem to be within a storm created by greedy and hate-driven people.

I am a Misanthrope for valid reasons: It is Hard to love but easy to hate. 

Word for the day: HYPOCRITE - a person who claims to have moral standards or beliefs to which they do not personally conform; they pretend to be something they are not. Essentially, a hypocrite's words and actions contradict each other. 

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I am now in hopeless debt. I trusted women I shouldn't have and my credit score is 501. I am financially dead in the water.  I'll get by, but at 77, I certainly cannot say this is my Golden years. It is probably good that my wife can not understand the situation and doesn't miss anything that resembles normal life. Note the women who scammed me were not met on this site; it was through dating sites as I searched for a companion to help me care for my wife and reduce my stress.

I dream every night, and some are worth remembering. Last night was one that I consider very interesting.

Me and I think it was my wife were living in a small town where we could walk to the stores. We needed some things, so we went to town to shop, but we discovered only one store was left to buy things from. All the other stores were closed and empty, painted with yellow and brown on the trim.

We entered the only open store and I said to the owner, "It seems we have the nicest set of empty stores in the county."

He agreed.

I said to my wife, "This is bad, no one store can offer everything we need."

The store owner interuped with, "Yes. You are correct, no store can have everything a person needs."

Do you think they are the same hand you have always had?

While it's a common saying that the body renews itself every seven years, this is a simplification, and the specific cells in the hands, like skin cells, are replaced more frequently than other cells in the body. 

People are the body parts of your sexual organs, the same ones you had ten or twenty years ago?

I was settling into a comfortable mood inside my shell, which is inside my cave, when I discovered a pair of eyes in the back where my cave is at its darkest. Now what? Who are you? What are you? Are you friendly!?

My room is a shell inside my cave. Maybe it is because I have always been too sensitive and had to use my creativity to offset my total mistrust for humanity, or perhaps I have an emotionally damaged personality as a result of numerous childhood traumas. Nevertheless, misanthropy has been the most dominant characteristic of my life. My wife, who is now cognitively impaired, can not help me as she always has by getting me out of that dark place. I live in the fortress called the internet or World Wide Web to keep me safe now that I have been scammed and know better. I can still create, even if I can not paint or write songs, I can write some prose and even some poetry. Most of you will not detect any change since I have always been in this war within myself, and trusting people has truly never been harder for me.

Email pal like a pen pal of old: Nadia

 Nadia and I exchanged explicit emails for several weeks. She told me about all her fantasies and I told her about mine. We seemed to have a wonderful cyber affair. I even wrote an allegory about her. She said she was from Odessa and fled the war, leaving her son and divorced husband, who she claimed bought their way out of the Ukrainian draft. If I wanted to see unpublished war damage photos that she had, she would share them.

The last email she wrote was telling me she wanted to save her money and come from California for a vacation with me. Her interest in BDSM grew, and she looked forward to my tying her up in a chair and playing games. 

She never arrived. I suspect she wasn't in California and may have been in Ukraine.

‪Ukrainian women who engage the Russians in combat amaze me with their courage and skill. Bravo, wonderful heroes all. "Budmo" (бу́дмо). To realize that some US leaders avoided the draft.

Here is a song that says it all from the time I was growing up: