The Culture that has been here all the time

Before my wife passed, there were at least five years without intimacy (dementia). I sought a sub to be my FWB, had one briefly, but the overwhelming reality? I came to accept that the scammers were so good at convincing me that I was handsome, interesting, and desirable that I must have fallen into their traps without realizing it. All too often.

Now I don't know what to believe; even the praises that I cared for my wife for eight years out of forty-one seem disingenuous. 

If I am such a "good man," why am I alone? Simple answer? People lie.

Back in the 90's, we considered another legal path because a bankruptcy lawyer made a mistake that cost us more money. We met with an older lawyer, and when we were in his office, his young wife and two small children stopped by. He was old enough to be their grandfather. So, what is the distinction between why he had a young wife and why I can't even find a companion in my age group? 

It isn't money; it is security for the young woman; this lawyer's ability to provide a decent future for his young family. Yes, it was a practical decision.

I have enough tangible things, still active and still able to offer love, but apparently that is not enough. The one factor that could have helped, in my opinion, was being at least 10 years younger. 

And so the curse one of my family members put on me seems destined to be valid: She said, " I hope you die alone with no one around to notice."

ADDENDUM: Yes, I dealt with depression all my life, and in 2022, my doctors finally diagnosed something I knew all along: I AM BIPOLAR. When I was actually able to interact with a psychiatrist, not just a psychologist or GP, I got real meds that work for me. She helped me cope with my wife dying slowly, and now, though I am sad, I can deal with it better between the meds and Cognitive Self-Therapy. Why does my family have a negative view of me? Most likely, the untreated bipolar illness. Too bad it came so late in my life. My late wife also had complex mental issues, and maybe it was the glue that held us together for forty-one years. NO, I AM NOT GIVING UP. I SEE A FLICKERING LIGHT AT THE FAR END OF THE CAVE. I have my interests, my cat and dog, art, and my music that I have reignited.

Most of you know I was my wife's only caregiver for eight years before she passed away, and that I was part of a caregiver group. Th group helped me in many ways, but especially by giving me permission to mourn gradually through the years. Yes, the long goodbye process helps, but it is not perfect: I have very challenging moments of sadness, and I wonder if they will ever fade away.

This is me every morning since my wife died: "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get" is a famous quote from the 1994 film Forrest Gump. Why? I cared so much for my late wife and had taken care of her through a long illness that I wonder if I have burned out all my goodness because I feel so empty. I sometimes imagine she is in the next room and talk to her ashes in the beautiful urn I placed them in. Miescule comfort.

"AI Overview (Google)

Mourning a spouse after forty years of marriage is 
a profound loss involving the grief of a shared life, identity, and future. It requires immense self-compassion, as healing is a non-linear process that often feels like a "roller coaster of hell". Key strategies include seeking support groups, engaging in self-care, and taking life one day or minute at a time.  Reddit +4"

This morning, I do not seem to care about myself at all. Unmotivated. I force myself not to think of lovers and sex, of travels and dreams, and I barely force myself to play guitar and sing old songs. Thinking about doing some simple artwork, like sketching faces, as a challenge. Life's experience has taught me that it will go on unless I am met with a sudden death.

Can there be a new woman to love and love me? Right now, (this morning), I doubt it with no reason to think otherwise.

A friend asked me some questions here on the Cage, so I will use some of my answers in this blog post. A forty-year marriage, and I am certain my wife was a sub in retrospect. Me? I was in charge by default, maybe the best description. The realities of BDSM and its definitions entered my perspective about four years ago. I am still a novice.

"I ran our household: Made the lion's share of income from science and technical jobs, but I also ran my own creative endeavors in the music business and art.

We shared domestic responsibilities with our four children (a boy and a girl each), so, on the subject sub, she was 1950s-style.

Sex? Both of us experienced negatives. Simple answer: she pretty much was anything-goes that was safe. I learned gradually, through some conversations but mostly through observation. Past photos and behaviour. We both had strong sex drives"

So here I am living alone in a vacuum following my wife's demise and unsure what I should plan and expect. I just know I am still independent, clear thinking, and would benefit from a sex life.