The Culture that has been here all the time

Because my wife passed away after eight years of dementia, my mourning has been spread out, but now I am feeling her loss more because I realise she was my anchor in life for forty-one years. I may be adrift in a treacherous and sad world now. I feel utterly alone. Yes, emails, phone calls, and texts do happen, but the intimacy is gone. I am grateful for those contacts.

I restarted my song work, guitar playing, and eclectic studies, which help but can never replace a human hug of encouragement: the embrace of a lover.

I once found it curious when television or movies presented a character who would speak to an urn containing the ashes of a lost loved one. The irony is that I am now one of those characters.

Now that the stress and restrictions of being a full-time caregiver have been lifted, I am getting out on errands, and my walking gait is gradually improving. I feel physically better, my health issues and mental issues are well under control, and going in the right direction.

I do not harbor hate for family and people that let me down, but the lyrics in a song  "Little Rock": "You know your daddy told me when I left
Jesus would forgive, but a daddy don't forget." Yes, I forgive, but I do not forget, and I avoid being abused by these people again.

One more day, a day at a time.

JH

No, we are not born with the perfect qualities to have us excel in a relationship. It is on the job trainings and mistakes will happen, some painful. ASAP, when you and your partner have a quiet moment together, have an honesty session. Sit facing each other and ask each other what is believed to describe the state of the relationship. If you are familiar with the "Benjamin Franklin" pro-and-con sheet, use it. Blank page with a center vertical line one side for pros and the other for cons.

The interaction surely will lead to discussions, maybe negotiations, and solutions. Visit this exercise as needed to improve your relationship. 

If you are perfect and have a perfect relationship ignor this blog post and carry on.

Each day is a new experience as a first-time widow. Dementia affects everyone around the afflicted person. Being a survivor in a rather large family, I see ghosts every day, not the horror-show kind but friendly ones. Why? That is my nature; I chose it to be that way. Strange as it may seem, having two past marriages that ended in divorce and one other close woman, I love them still because I choose it to be that way, even if they "done me wrong". Besides, I claim no perfection; life was for learning and becoming a better person.

Attend to important matters and rediscover songs; purchased an inexpensive guitar that is not a security risk and fits me physically better, so I am resurrecting old knowledge and skills. Choose a preferred set of strings, for example, and dust off some things like an amp, effects, and mics. I told the director at the local senior center that when I am ready, I will lead sing-alongs with my fellow people (she asked how much I would charge; LOL, doing it will be my reward).

When I moved her in 2022, I fell, and then again a couple of years later, and the challenge of lifting my wife and attending to her stressed my body. I am independent and self-sufficient. Each day, I actually seem to reverse some of those negative effects. Soon, I hope to toss my cane aside.

I do not drink alcohol; nevertheless, when the local Irish pub has Celtic music, I will go there even if I only drink seltzer water LOL.

Thanks for reading. I will share more as I can.

Jim

Today I had business at my local bank branch, while there, the woman who took care of my needs was a wonderful woman with a Celtic look. Deep blue eyes and dark hair. When I returned home, I selected Celtic music on my computer to add to the mood. My late wife had that look, and that evokes memories.

No, not the death of my wife last month after an eight-year battle with dementia, but how it has affected me.

I have decided that what life I have left, I will live it alone. No, I still function well for my age; it's just that I do not want the drama and risks of another close relationship. The eight years I cared for my wife during her battle taught me much. Most of our family didn't help me, and the help I did get from anyone wasn't great. The exception was the three months Hospice supported me in the end.

I barely take care of the house and even myself; I just lack motivation. Sometimes love motivated me through life in ways I did not recognize, and now just the memories of the time of love aren't enough to energize me.

Jim

PS, I just had the loneliest Valentine's Day in my whole life.

There are many ways to view one's existence: The easiest way is to rely entirely on external factors. The most challenging approach is to strive for complete self-reliance. Exploring new possibilities can be a challenge, exhausting, and has unintended consequences.

Here are some seemingly innocent sayings: a) The devil made me do it, b) I was just following orders, c) It is the way it is done, d) That is the way I was taught. e) Everybody does it like that, g) I don't know what made me do it, h) It seems right to me, i) it is logical, j) It is what I believe . . .

Do you think about your life, or do you live it as it is without question?

Some people think I am a wise old man (at least the few I interact with). One reason is that when they learn that my wife and I have been together over forty years, and for several years I have been her only caregiver, it has grown more of a challenge each day. I don't think she recognizes me as her husband anymore, only as someone who is taking care of her.

What most people are unaware of is the details of a long-term relationship, including the challenges, successes, and failures that come along the way.

Seventy years of observation and experience lead me to these conclusions: 1. Love is easy 2. Trust is not easy. 3. Sex drive is always present, filled with temptations, needs, and tensions. NOTE: I believe that people in the BDSM community do better with sexual tensions because of the prevailing honesty of most participants.

Men and women inherently do not trust each other for good reason(s). If they fall in love and navigate the danger zones when trust is an issue or subconscious issue, they emerge with a better understanding of each other and develop a road to a better future.

It requires commitment, practice, and effective communication with one another.  Ancient wisdom still indicates it is best to have a mate and not be alone. (it is not good to be alone in effect I my reality is all me iam not made to be this way). 

What would be fun for me? I believe there are many nice things I can do, especially if I have the chance to leave the house: shop at a fresh produce stand, eat lunch out, take a ride and look at nature, including farms, walk my dog, and tend to my garden. Yet, while these are enjoyable, I cannot say they are fun-filled activities.

Having a lover would enhance all of the above, but if I had a lover once more, we could have lots of fun, enjoying sex and our kinks. Maybe someday I will once more.

image public domain

I can not estimate how many people are in the sex trade or related industries, but the government estimates about 30,000,000 worldwide, and it is at least a one billion dollar cash flow. 

If humans were realistic, there could be a widespread legal enterprise, and all involved would profit. Stocks, safety, health, and, with a proper age structure, taxes, and other benefits, such as collective health, would be a plus.

I admit, as a young man before I got married and while in the service, just as Paul Simon's lyrics in "The Boxer" say, "There were times when I was so lonesome I took some comfort there."

If it were to come up for a vote? I vote yes. pixabay image

I scan and read the news and feature articles each morning on several online sources, almost every morning (if not every morning), one or more of my beliefs are shattered. This famous hero, that movie star, a long-held belief, what was taught or what you were told was either wrong or not factual.

A big one for me? Old age is filled with "Golden Years"—everything from sickness, financial challenges, emotional strife, to fractured families.

Where are the grandchildren to enjoy and teach. Can I take a cruise with my wife, who has been stricken with dementia? 

It seems I've outlived just about all my family and most of my friends.

It seems to me that young people (at least during this era) shun older people.

Depending on which statistic you believe, 90% of your life is over: I am closer to the end than the beginning, I have heard it said.

The Irony with me? I still function well and move about fine; I have so much to share, so many stories to tell: My wife does not comprehend, and my Cat and Dog seem to say, "Yeah, yeah, we heard all that before, where is our food. pixabay