The Culture that has been here all the time

A friend asked me some questions here on the Cage, so I will use some of my answers in this blog post. A forty-year marriage, and I am certain my wife was a sub in retrospect. Me? I was in charge by default, maybe the best description. The realities of BDSM and its definitions entered my perspective about four years ago. I am still a novice.

"I ran our household: Made the lion's share of income from science and technical jobs, but I also ran my own creative endeavors in the music business and art.

We shared domestic responsibilities with our four children (a boy and a girl each), so, on the subject sub, she was 1950s-style.

Sex? Both of us experienced negatives. Simple answer: she pretty much was anything-goes that was safe. I learned gradually, through some conversations but mostly through observation. Past photos and behaviour. We both had strong sex drives"

So here I am living alone in a vacuum following my wife's demise and unsure what I should plan and expect. I just know I am still independent, clear thinking, and would benefit from a sex life.

What if I submit to a Woman who can teach me more about BDSM?

Maybe I would learn something and open doors to experiences I have not had. I think it is worth a conversation. Do you?

Lust ensures that humans maintain sustainable populations, but love encourages them to promote civility and care for each other.

My reckless side is driven by lust, my magnanimous side by love.

This duality is omnipresent, and the trait that prevails shapes a person's character, even a people's.

Civilization may not exist without both, but both in balance, so good continues even when the negatives of lust cause tensions. images from pixabay.com

Adapting to life without my wife since she passed away has been like experiencing a storm at sea that never ends. The only reprise is sleep. I love being asleep and rewarded with a pleasant dream, if any. 

I always had dreams that I kept close, which helped me be optimistic. The dream of living in New Mexico dates back to 1968, when I served in the Army. The first year I was in El Paso and visited New Mexico. Family considerations, mostly remaining close to where my children lived, were the main constraint.

I guess with diminished resources and aging, the dream of New Mexico has morphed into a fantasy. It may be possible, but not probable. I would rather have a companion who shares the same set of hopes and dreams because, with help, they have a greater chance of being realized. I am thinking hard about what to find in a lover. I have mentioned before that I have not lived without one for at least sixty years.

My late wife opened my eyes to what loving freely sexually really meant. I miss her, of course. I have an anecdote that goes back about fifty years: my brother took me to a bar with exotic dancers, and one of the girls asked me what my sexual fantasies were. I had no answer. I was still young enough to think like a typical man: Imagining having sex on my terms.

We live and learn and can be taught things, as my late wife taught me about enjoying sex and being in love. We remained monogamous because we kept each other satisfied and feeling loved.

The Right Woman for Me will help me wrap up my life in the east and help me resettle in NM. NM is the State I have visited most in the Western US, and I am serious about moving there.

"Retiring in New Mexico offers an affordable, culturally rich lifestyle with a cost of living roughly 3% below the national average. Popular for its sunny climate, diverse landscapes, and low property taxes, the state is ideal for active seniors. Key, affordable retirement spots include Rio Rancho, Roswell, and Silver City."

I always loved its diversity and the wide open spaces, the four seasons, and the people I met were very agreeable. I might even resurrect my art studio there. Does anyone want to take up my offer?

By reading profiles, blogs, and the comments on my blog, I have developed a profile of the relationship I would seek.

First, I am open to experimentation: I don't want to enter into sexual boredom. I don't have time to be unreasonably fussy. I have never been that way, which is why I have had three wives and several long-term relationships. My wife, who just passed away? We were married for forty-one years and worked out all the trials along the way.

Beginning over? Well, I need some encouragement and someone to push me out of ruts. I am in one now. I have to do lists, but aside from running the house and playing guitar and singing old songs, when I'm bored with TV or lonely, I prefer to nap. Yes, I am more motivated to be a good partner than to be good for myself.

Ilove the song by Shenendoha: "I want to be loved like that."

About four years back, when I realized my wife had become only a dependent as a disabled child for me, my longing for a normal relationship with a woman blindly led me into the internet pit of vipers. I foolishly expected a companion and lover. Yes, I did briefly have a FWB; it became a challenge, mostly out of my false expectations and ignorance.

Now that my wife is in a beautiful glazed urn with a hummingbird on it, when I talk to her, it seems she tells me, " Go on with your life now. Her Alzheimer's, dementia, and aphasia were so hard to deal with; all our friends vanished, and all but one distant relative were supportive of my decision to honor 'till death do us part.

Now I can meet a woman who might become a companion, but I went through all the dating and hook-up sites during my faux youthful search, and all I got out of that experience was that I lost most of my money. OK, now you can read my blog and see I am willing to try again, but I feel I am blinded by several things, one being the experience described above.

I always give the ladies I meet the benefit of the doubt and trust first, and see what happens. All my past lovers (I haven't seen them in over forty years) still have a place in my heart that is warm and loving, no matter what happened back then. Somehow, I feel I am ready to love again. BDSM is a doorway to honesty, dom, switch, neither, or sub is all in my open mind.

I can not remain like "a Rock Stuck in the Ground" A fellow songwriter always says it better than me: You Move Me.

"This is how it seems to me
Life is only therapy
Real expensive and no guarantees
So I lie here on the couch
With my heart hanging out
Frozen solid with fear
Like a rock in the ground"

Songwriters: Gordon Scott Kennedy / Pierce Ray Pettis, great words and harmonies.

I have lived decades of therapy, and finally, I convinced doctors that I really was bipolar, and that has made all the difference in my life. Even through the challenging eight years I was a sole caregiver, I managed to be on an even keel. It also helped that I was trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

Enough explaining.

I am also recovering from financial mistakes, and that is a limiting constraint, but as people often say, "life is too short to give up." At my age, it has greater meaning to me than to most people.

I attempted to upgrade here so I can add images, but so far, though I approved the transaction, it hasn't been validated.

Again, life has burned me alive, and I must rise from the ashes like the phoenix.

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT INFORMATION HERE ON A BDSM WEBSITE: I AM OPEN TO EXPERIENCING A RELATIONSHIP WITH A DOMINANT WOMAN. I hope I can meet her and an opportunity close enough in order to avoid financial travel challenges.

I know you can not see me, but I fear even if you were here, you wouldn't see me. I am vanishing. How do I know?

When I go to Walmart (I can do that now), no one smiles, says hello, or says excuses me. I am on a different planet, I'm now sure.

If I knock something over, no employee comes to help me clean or pick it up.

Is this the future shock I was warned about?

JH

Even before my wife passed, she was either on the living room sofa bed or the hospital bed provided by Hospice, so I was sleeping alone. Wait, that is not entirely true. My dog lay against my back, and my cat cuddled close to me; both helped me stay warm on cold nights. They reminded me of my loss. Not just the loss of my wife, but the realization that, through fifty-plus years, I always had an intimate partner and seldom slept without her.

Yes, they remind me of too much; too many good memories. Happy they are here, partially to penetrate my lonely existence.

I keep busy running this house and practicing my guitar, and I'm able to run out for errands, but being a transplant to this nice old town has lasting consequences: I only get to know people here in a cursory way.

Longevity runs or ran in my family, and I cannot remember any family member living out their last days in this kind of situation. Family members were always visiting them until their end.

I guess this is the way it will be for the first humans who colonize Mars.