I appreciate readers and a couple of friends, but I think it is in my best interest to stop blogging and focus on meeting people in person, no matter how difficult it is for me. I better visit my guru on a mountain top for a time. pixabay photo
Back in 1968, two songs were especially emotional triggers for me. While riding on the open roads of West Texas and New Mexico, haunting sounds kept me company on the car radio. Now they are echoes of the past.
NO. 1
NO. 2
I had a surprise dream last night. I had friends visit me, we jammed a few old songs, played chess, and I was slightly better than I used to be. After a while, I introduced them to a couple of my favorite BBC TV programs. We did have pizza and drinks, including some cola (a treat since I usually just drink soda or water with lemon). We talked endlessly about the weather. The biggest surprise? They told me they would visit once a week.
I can't recall ever having as many healthcare appointments in one week as I had this past week. I am glad it is the weekend, as I used to be glad when I worked. Interacting with the staff at my healthcare facilities is cheerful, and I can put on a facade of doing well even when I am not.
My cat was right next to me but did not roust me or hurry me up, so he must be very intelligent, aware that I wanted to sleep an extra fifteen minutes. I pet him, he purred, and head bumped my chin. My Terrier was snoring lightly, so I let her sleep and went down to feed the cat.
What is my agenda today: Perform a cursory scan of news on the internet. Work on some art. Watch another refresher chess game study. Practice guitar and sing several old songs (I haven't worked on my songs for some time now). Select a documentary to watch and a program from the BBC for later.
Haven't had much of an appetite lately, prefer snacks, fast and light. Besides, my dining room and table are currently dominated by artwork and art materials.
The change back to cooler temperatures and a cloudy sky seems to paint a sense of sadness on me this morning, inside and out. (Pixabay image)
When looking for something fails, it cranks up my anxiety. I can't seem to shake it today. My cat and dog tried, but to no avail. When anxiety flares up at this level, and nothing seems to quench it, it generates the stark picture of a lonely life. A comforting embrace would go a long way, but it is missing, and it's something I can not buy.
A wise black woman I knew a half-century ago often counseled me on my way of thinking. Her simple question was so thought-provoking that I have never forgotten her words, "What does what you are thinking (or believing) have to do with that?" Sometimes she paraphrased it to fit a situation. How she became an impromptu counselor, I do not recall.
The situation was when I was in an emotionally dark place, and the information I had available to me was scarce and often inaccurate, so my mind, being so intensely active, filled all the blanks, and as many of you know from my blog, that is not good because I chose to see things in a negative light.
The missing solution then and now is the same: a warm, comforting embrace. Since I communicate most effectively with human touch, offering and receiving, and I am living in what may be the darkest cave of my life. If only I had just one candle offered to me. images pixabay
UPDATE: I found dozens of my paintings in my self-storage unit. My anxiety dropped very well. I will sleep much better tonight. Also, I will go over my new website notes before I build it; the first step will establish it, and the second step later will offer my artwork for sale again.
So life is morphing in several ways that will make it unrecognizable to many people.
The digital age, with computers and cell phones, was quite a transformation. Now, AI is altering all human activities, and we are probably not fully aware of it. You must have some awareness, of course, unless you live in a sand dune, that is. Oh, quantum computing is about to begin, maybe space colonization, too.
Since I am able to return to my alter egos, I must adjust: My music is already available worldwide, and I used to have a website for my artwork, but let it fade. Now is the right time to reestablish myself as an artist through my artwork using the online platform. I will examine the best way for me and develop a plan soon.
You (if you are a regular blog reader) know me better than anyone has in recent months. I know I am putting behind the hard emotional period caring for my late wife, but I have limited talent in defeating my loneliness and the absence of a loving companion. In this respect, I am a fish on the beach, thrashing around in futility.
pixabay imageI visited one of my VA doctors yesterday, and the visit went well. She is my new psychiatrist and isn't as warm as my last one, who was recently forced into retirement. All is status quo, no changes in meds. I asked if there was a pill to alleviate loneliness. She blew it off as if I were an AI robotic human.
Now that I have allowed the artist in me to live once more, I have reawakened so much. The complex mindset, as I love experimenting with different mediums and subjects. Photos are good to the degree they don't move and are consistent and varied (beyond what I have in front of me). But photos lack one important feature: I can't touch and feel the subject.
In my early days, I mostly painted landscapes, seascapes, and abstract ideas. One art teacher explained portrait painting as he did it. He collected photos, made sketches of the actual person in front of him, and explained his thoughts as he planned the final product. His work sold for a price I can only dream of.
Yes, I will experiment, focus on different subjects, try different mediums, but I fear I may never have a companion, a lover, to feel and know intimately again. Now that I am free to paint nudes, 1 nothing would be better than painting a lover I can embrace and love. Paint her image in different ways and settings. Pixabay images
1 My wife was a sub and sexually free in our bedroom, but chose a religion that frowned on nude paintings. I followed her to church and complied with her attitude, but I knew we both truly didn't see art in a sinful light.
Cut the head of some insects, and they still function for a time. Cut a worm in two, and the halves squirm and usually morph into two new worms.
The only reason I put forth these examples is to illustrate my current sense of being. The life force is struggling to reassert itself. Reinvent itself. Find a new identity: This is a good development, though my life is fraught with isolation and loneliness. I hope it will pass.
pixabayMany of you know I have been anything but happy-go-lucky 1, and I am afraid it is getting worse. Direct words can mask what's going on inside. I must admit the negative attitude is the most profound I have ever experienced. No mystery, not having nearby friends, family, or a companion; my mind fills with negative words, and, unlike in most of my past life, there is no one here to say things will get better. I only get periodic "cheer up," this will pass if anyone bothers to speak to me at all.
My dog is not too bad, but my cat demands that he help me restring my guitar, though I have told him the strings are not edible. If they could speak to me in English, Polish, Spanish, or even Russian, I would be able to learn about their thoughts. Last week, I learned in my cat language class on YouTube that I have been doing it all wrong. Cats only stare when they are ready to fight. I learned that I am supposed to squint and glance away. I can imagine he thinks I am such a duffas.
Have you ever lost your anchor, drifting on a large body of water, then broken an ore? Then, did you make a sale with a shirt and a windbreaker? I was even rescued by the coast guard twice. What do I do now? Stay on the shore and remain a land lover. This is how my life seems to be now, I must buy an app to make my cell phone a compass and see if that helps me navigate. Pixabay image:
1 Battled clinical depression all my life and was only diagnosed as bipolar about five years ago; eight years as my wife's only full-time caregiver took its toll, too.
