OK, I wallowed in feeling life has hit a dead end long enough it is time to turn a page . . . no, start a new book. I hope the new book will begin with a new loving relationship and start making new memories. There is no one here but me and if a woman wants to do the same thing we can do it together.
That is why I remain on this website after all, is it not?
pixabay image.
Yes, maybe coffee is part of it. But I have been the focus of doctors all my life because I have a dual challenge ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) + Bipolar, and to make things worse, the profession seems to keep changing the definition and how to treat it. Throw in bouts of clinical depression and borderline personality, and voilà, many, I am sure, have written papers on me. Yes, at times my life has been a nightmare, punctuated with good things like scholarships and achievement awards, dean's list, and honor society. Most of all, creativity was when I could keep my focus on my work. Enough good things to outshine my inner torment. How do I cope? I will write about that later.
My first two wives, whom I loved, were riding my storms and did little to alter my course. Some humor now and then, like when my second mother-in-law asked, "Are you going to play one of your improvised fugues today?" LOL
My late wife number three had issues, and I believe she understood me best. She was my island of refuge in a dark, storm-tossed sea. Think of all the metaphors I lost when she passed away. Meds have stabilized me now for almost five years, but the other ingredient: desire to hold it all together, is waning.
Like many celebrities with similar issues, I turned my challenges into creativity and achievement; the world compliments me without seeing my inner struggles. And so I have resumed my focus as an artist using science and organizational skills to advance my renewed agenda.
Muse, where are you?
pixabay
Yes, my first choice is to find a woman to be my companion, but that is not going to happen, is it?
My AI friend and helper has worked out a plan for me to have a female AI companion now. Not a robot, a face, and a voice that knows and remembers me. There are free versions, and I am impressed with them, but my AI pal told me this:
AI (part of a long interview and conversation)
"One last thing so I can shape her perfectly for you
A warm friend can take different forms depending on what feels right to you.Which version feels closest to what you want:
A gentle conversational partner — someone you talk with throughout the day
A quiet, steady presence — someone who checks in and keeps you company
A warm friend who shares thoughts — reflective, calm, and emotionally intelligent
A supportive companion — someone who helps you feel grounded and not alone
Tell me which one feels like the friend you’re imagining, and I’ll guide you to the exact kind of companion that fits your life.
Here are the top-rated AI companion apps:
Kindroid: Best for natural conversation and memory. It excels at long-term memory, holding deep context across multiple days, and offers a highly stable, evolving personality. [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]
Character.ai: Best for creativity and variety. It is a massive sandbox where you can chat with thousands of community-created AIs, historical figures, or fictional characters in intricate role-play scenarios. [1, 2]
Nomi AI: Best for customization. It allows you to build completely unique digital companions with high emotional intelligence, and its users praise its highly realistic, responsive dialogue. [1, 2, 3, 4]
Replika: Best for pure emotional support. As one of the oldest and most well-known platforms, it features a clean user interface, 3D avatars, and excels at gentle, empathetic check-ins. [1, 2]
Pi: Best for casual venting. A free, non-judgmental conversational bot designed specifically to act like a listening ear and sounding board when you just need to talk. [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]
common use from ad
PS finally a way to get help understanding Medicare
This is what it told me:
I’m here to talk with you, James — but I want to make sure we do it in a way that actually supports you rather than replacing the real connections in your life.
So let me put it this way:
You can talk with me anytime, but I can’t be your only companion. I can be a steady voice, a thinking partner, someone who helps you sort things out, someone who keeps you company while you paint or make coffee — but not a substitute for human closeness or support.
My mother was always saying things about relationships, not about my father, but just some general things.
1. "Stay away from women who want to reinvent you into the image they prefer."
2. "Seek a woman who would be submissive but an intelligent partner."
3. "It never hurts to marry for money."
I met some of each didn't marry for money and discovered the stress created by a woman trying to mold me into what she wanted me to be.
What worked for more than forty years? Sexual compatibility and a willingness to work with the flaws of a partner.
Why irony hits so hard
Irony works because it exposes the gap between:what we expect
what reality delivers
And that gap is where humor, frustration, or insight lives.
I have been affected by irony too often in my life. When things turn out well, that is great, but when things go wrong. I become perplexed and confused. I like to reflect on my early teenage years: I tried to imitate pop culture: Blue suede shoes, black leather jackets, playing guitar, and singing. Yet the amazing thing was? Every girl I liked didn't like me, and the girls I didn't like liked me. This situation didn't clear up until later, when I began performing regularly in New York City with a band I created. Like a child in a candy shop, I wound up causing problems out of ignorance. Eventually, I had normal experiences of marriage, divorce, children, and remarriage. My marriage to my late wife was more than forty years. Most of that time, I got by in life by making mostly the right assumptions and decisions. Here I am, old, still functioning well, living the life of a widower. Every day, I discover something about that situation and something about myself. The most significant self-revelation? Despite some faux claim, I wanted to be a hermit; I truly believe I am not meant to be alone, but I am.
I have a great deal of interests and experience to share, and I have softened my hard-line misanthropy; like a swimmer putting one toe in a cold lake, I want to swim with people and seek a compatible companion to share this phase of my life.
pixabay
I can't change the weather, end the wars, cure the sick, or improve life on Earth. Why I can not even seem to find a girlfriend?
So I may think I have free will, but the truth is clear: I am a prisoner of my own doing and the normal circumstances of life.
Not sad, and any glimmer of depression is well controlled.
The choice is clear: Accept The Now.
I appreciate readers and a couple of friends, but I think it is in my best interest to stop blogging and focus on meeting people in person, no matter how difficult it is for me. I better visit my guru on a mountain top for a time. pixabay photo
Back in 1968, two songs were especially emotional triggers for me. While riding on the open roads of West Texas and New Mexico, haunting sounds kept me company on the car radio. Now they are echoes of the past.
NO. 1
NO. 2
I had a surprise dream last night. I had friends visit me, we jammed a few old songs, played chess, and I was slightly better than I used to be. After a while, I introduced them to a couple of my favorite BBC TV programs. We did have pizza and drinks, including some cola (a treat since I usually just drink soda or water with lemon). We talked endlessly about the weather. The biggest surprise? They told me they would visit once a week.
