BDSM Test. The lovely test that neatly organizes your kinks into percentages. I love it now, but the first time I ever took it I was, rather strangely, angry when submissive was high up...in the green. I hated that. I loathed it with my very soul. It sounds dramatic, but at the time the mere idea that I could submit to someone infuriated me to a toxic degree. I was on a mission for years to prove I would never bend the knee to anyone. I felt almost self righteous and whenever I could twist the proverbial knife in anyone who would even suggest otherwise, I took it. I was not a kind person back then, and while I could point to the many traumas that possibly contributed to this mindset, I know now it came down to complete and utter ignorance. So I railed against the small voice inside of me that wanted to submit, that needed it. I squashed it down and ignored it proud of my "strength". It wasn't strength though. My perception of submission was inherently flawed and so too was my perception of dominance. The portrait in my head of a good d/s relationship only looked pretty from where I was standing and it took a long time before I saw it for what it was. It was ugly and dripping with all the festering hatred I had for any situation or position that I believed marked me as weak.
So what changed? It sounds a bit anticlimactic to just say "I got educated", but that was the first step. It took a lot of conversations with people (even some from here) and research before I had several epiphanies that dramatically changed the way I looked at submission.
1. It's a power EXCHANGE. This blew my mind! All of my understanding of BDSM was learned through porn and badly written fanfiction and so my understanding was severely flawed. I didn't understand this at first, but after a rather long and embarrassing conversation with a very good and much more experienced dom than me, I realized I didn't know anything about being a good domme. I don't know if I've ever been so severely and yet kindly educated about something before that moment, but I still blush when I think about it even now. I still wasn't healed enough yet, or even open enough, to consider what that meant about my own thoughts about myself submitting. What it did do was change my perception of other people who enjoyed submission. I realized that I was a bully. I hadn't yet done harm but I know now that if I hadn't had the people in my life to push me to learn and be better I would have been a very cruel and entitled domme.
2. Submission is a gift. Nobody is entitled to it. This was definitely a realization I came to slowly. I had heard it many times and had nodded along like a bobblehead without actually comprehending what it actually meant. Sure I had a firm understanding of consent. I understood that I couldn't simply demand submission, but a gift? I thought it was kind of stupid and overly romanticized. I think a lot of my refusal to look at it as anything valuable was deeply rooted in my own self-perception. I wanted to submit despite hating the very idea. How could this desire I'd long marked as foul within myself be a gift? Overall this next chapter actually took years. I half-heartedly participated in the community in different places and ways, but it felt hollow. Dominance didn't fulfill me the way I wanted to. I was constantly confroted with submission and I couldn't bear looking at it. Ultimately it was the end of a relationship that cracked me. I felt so unmoored and alone and I just couldn't handle being in control. My desperation led me to some bad doms but also to some very good ones. One in particular who spent days helping me understand what I wanted and why. It was painful and full of a lot of tears and anger, but as I began to try and own this part of myself it felt like slipping into a comfortable new skin. I still didn't feel fully comfortable but the all-consuming hatred I felt of submission had shriveled into almost nothing. It wasn't all good. I was still afraid and distrustful. I was hanging by my fingertips over a cliff and I couldn't let myself drop or grab onto the hands reaching out to me. I think that is when I understood. I was scared to submit to just anyone. I wanted my submission to mean something...like a gift.
3. Submission is safty. How did I get here? It would be a cop-out to just say experience. It's still hard for me to look at the me from back then and the me now and not be floored by the difference. The me of back then would never have felt relief in rules and consequences. The me from back then would have been insulted by the idea of handing control over to anyone. The me from me then never could have imagined the strength it takes to follow. The courage it takes to kneel to another. The me from then could never have imagined the warm pleasure that comes from knowing someone else has the control that I've given over willingly and finding peace in it. Submission is safe to me because it was the result of years of work and healing. Healing from the trauma of my submission being abused in the past and the loss of control that came with it. Healing from being made to feel weak and small. I am not perfect now I'm still healing and I still struggle, but there is nothing that makes me feel more like a treasure than the eyes of a dom that sees my value and understands the power I have in kneeling. Does it make sense? Maybe not. But to me, it feels safe because I worked so hard to get here.
What's the point then? Why bother writing all of this? Well, I believe there is power in words and the sharing of experiences. But also I know many people who struggle with their feelings towards dominance and submission. It's such a deeply intimate thing and there is so much vulnerability in allowing yourself to be comfortable with who you are. It took years and years for me to get where I am. Years of work and learning. It's not easy, but nothing worth having ever is. No matter where you are on your journey into BDSM, know that the effort matters. It's so worth it when you find what you are looking for. BDSM is self-discovery on a soul level. One day you will look back, like I did, and see the growth and be astounded by just how far you've come.
