Take Care

Kink and romance don't always go hand in hand, but it's only natural that intense, romantic bonds can form with the people you choose to get so intimate with. But things have never worked that way for me.

I've never fallen in love, at least not in a real way. I've had intense infatuations, strong puppy love (especially when I was younger), but I've never had a desire to link my life with another person.

For a long time, and after struggling to have any fun dating, I thought I just hadn't met the right person. Now I wonder if I'm just incapable of those kinds of deep romantic connections.

And before I go any further, this isn't a woe-is-me kind of thing. I'm quite alright with all that. I'm still capable of deep friendships, the kind that is so deep you could call it a form of love on its own. I have so many incredible friends, I don't know what I've done to be so lucky.

But I am beginning to believe that I may truly be aromantic, that traditional partnerships may not be for me. And, again, I'm fine with that. I like who I am, and I've never felt much in the way of dependency or longing for things like marriage. And being aromantic doesn't mean I'm lonely. I'm constantly surrounded by people I care about.

It does sometimes make me feel guilty with kink, however, or even just sex in general. I'm always honest, but I still feel this expectation that more is wanted of me emotionally than I can give. That could just be on me.

Or maybe I am just evolving still, and I will some day understand those feelings. It could just be another part of the journey.

I just thought it would help a bit to put some of that into writing, and it does feel a bit good to get some of it out there. Sorry if you read through my little self-therapy session :p

I sometimes feel like I'm copping out a little bit when I call myself a switch. It's not a lie. I do enjoy playing both roles. But I am looking primarily looking for interactions and relationships where I'm in more of a submissive role.

But, for whatever reason, I'm not quite comfortable calling myself a sub. Part of that is because I don't know if I want the same thing most subs want. Even as I say that, I know it's not a fair statement. Of course all subs want different things.

But when I look for classifieds or do other things searching for a dominant partner, the vast majority of them are looking sub slaves. They want someone to completely give control of themselves over to them.

I don't want this. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting that, but it's not for me. But so much of what I see goes in that direction. Full control. So much so that, beyond just my limited experience, I feel like a bit of a fake.

I have some idea of what I want. I want a confident and strong woman. Someone who can take control, but not necessary ALWAYS be in control. And, yes, be incredibly kinky. I guess part of it is that my BDSM wants are more for the bedroom. I don't think I can live the lifestyle 24/7. Again, this makes me self-conscious. Am I just a phony?

I also worry about what I want being too specific. It's never easy to find someone perfect for you. But seeing so many people searching for the opposite of what you want can be disheartening. I know recently I finally saw a classified here for someone that was finally within driving distance. Then I read it and saw that they were looking for a complete slave.

So maybe I won't be able to find what I want here. But I'm still happy to be here. I've gotten to meet a lot of nice people who have been very welcoming to me, even if I can be a bit, uh, immature :)

I guess this was just a bit of venting, so thank you for reading my ramblings!