I constantly speak about my first month on The Cage and how I was searching for instant gratification, then I realized that I actually liked it here and stayed longer. I made so many mistakes that I still feel the repercussions of but also, it has made me think deeply about how I navigate relationships in general. The decisions that were once just thoughts were suddenly important because I needed to know what boundaries to enforce.
In my experience, I am equally responsible for the results. If I don't like the results, I have to figure out how not to repeat my mistakes. That means that I have to introspect. Learning about the BDSM lifestyle has not been easy because there is a lot of information and it can be confusing to enforce. Here are some of the things that I was confused about and how I choose to be different:
1. When does a dynamic actually start?
In my first month, I was chatting to multiple Doms who demanded my submission from our first meeting but internally I thought "This cannot be how a real dynamic starts, right?". I was making agreements that I did not fully understand and was extremely confused at the results of these agreements. I was afraid to ask questions but also, didn't know what questions to ask. I could not fathom giving myself completely to someone that I had just met and could not understand why someone would expect that from me. I assumed that the person that I was chatting to was also searching for instant gratification (which half of the "Doms" that I spoke to were).
In my second month, I learned the true meaning of the relationship between a Dominant and a Submissive. I learned about the collar, that it is like a marriage but also, I learned that there are different types of collars? I am not collared, what does that mean for me? Do I want to be collared? Without the collar, does that still mean that I am in a dynamic with someone because I play with them and call them by the honorific that they prefer? Then I learned that you don't call everyone by an honorific. Oops.
How far does the online BDSM dynamic control my real life? Am I allowed to have an offline boyfriend? I learned that sometimes people have both vanilla and BDSM relationships. I learned that some people have vanilla relationships with their BDSM partners. Do I want a real-life BDSM partner in the future? How do I go about doing that? How do I introduce BDSM to an offline partner? These questions are cleared up by clear communication.
I love the idea of contracts that lay out expectations and durations, as someone on a spectrum I need clear communication. Though contracts aren't a fool-proof solution to my issues in relationships, they should help. I love the concept of negotiation, I need the safety to discuss when I am struggling and need an adjustment as someone who is on a spectrum. And of course, the one thing that I was aware of before I entered the space: safewords! I love the concept of safewords.
A lot of this is still confusing for me but I learn something new every day that makes things a bit clearer, that's a big reason why I focus on reading and community right now. I do not have empathy for anyone who tried to take advantage of my cluelessness. However, now that I am wiser, I would not want to be responsible for someone's broken heart and contribute to discord within the community. One thing that inspires me to be better is seeing how much work is done in education on healthy and safe BDSM practices and seeing the frustration towards people who exploit lifestyle, giving the rest of the community a bad name.
2. Infidelity and Polyamorous relationships
I am very open to consensual non-monogamous relationships (CONSENSUAL!!!!).
If I am entering a new relationship, whether vanilla or a BDSM dynamic, with someone who is already in a relationship or married, there is a lot for me to consider. The first thing would be whether it is truly an open relationship and not infidelity. Does the main spouse know that their partner is "stepping out" and is she also allowed to "step out" too? Another thing to consider is why the couple is in an open relationship and if it was a mutual decision. I do not feel comfortable with polyamory at the expense of another. If there is no enthusiastic consent to an open relationship then I do not want to be part of it. I've recently discovered that there are couples where both main partners need to be okay and speak to the "side partner" before the one partner starts the side relationship (I don't know the proper terms). That would be ideal but I know it's not achievable for everyone. At least speaking positively about your partner is something that is important to me. I don't feel comfortable when someone appears to despise their partner. I do not care how someone treats me but I do care about how a person treats the people around them. How a person treats the people around them is how they'll eventually treat you.
Karma is real and it has once slapped me so hard that it rearranged my brain. I have unknowingly been "the other woman" in my vanilla relationships and I don't ever want to have that on my conscience again. In my first month on The Cage, I think I was in a situation that was suspicious and I was unsure of how to deal with it.
These experiences have made me think that I would rather have my future partner communicate with me than go behind my back. I am also not a fan of being told who to spend time with, so I love to have a partner who does not control my interactions with others and gives me the security to have open and honest communication about who I interact with. I love being dominated, not controlled and I value communication.
3. Limits and Consent
I did not know anything about limits in my first month, I did not realize how crazy things can get.
Realizing that I like being a "little" gave me ethical dilemmas that I am still processing today, where is the line between a healthy release and unhealthy coping mechanisms that may encourage harm to others? Degradation has also come with dilemmas of its own. Am I a bad feminist if I let a man call me a slut? I think Phoebe Waller-Bridge's series, Fleabag, especially her monologue on wanting to release control over her decisions to someone else, perfectly encapsulates this dilemma.
Deciding what my limits are happened as I had experiences and was not something that I started with. One boundary that was pushed and has irked me out a lot is expressing that I love degradation and almost getting roped into raceplay. It only happened twice on this platform, but I still think about it a lot.
I didn't know raceplay was a thing until I saw an article on The Cage about it. I'd heard a bit about it before but I didn't realize that it was part of BDSM. I have complicated feelings about it and I felt guilty that I felt uncomfortable with it, I didn't want to shame anyone for their kinks. That was until I read more about how BDSM relationships are conducted, how both participants need to be comfortable with everything being done in play, and the different philosophies such as the 4 Cs.
What solidified my limits was reading a discussion about using sexual assault in play with someone who did not consent to it. CNC is a valid kink but without consent, it's not "Consensual Non-Consent", is it? It can cause lasting damage to a person and re-traumatize someone who has experienced sexual assault in the past. It can be a breach of trust when someone crosses a boundary without consent. I feel a similar way about telling someone, who experiences the world as a white man, that I am interested in degradation and their first instinct is to show me an image of a black woman in a minstrel-style leather mask or call me the n-word, that is so sus to me.
I was chatting to someone on another platform about this and they were trying to play Devil's advocate by saying that when they are engaging in play, they try to use the thing that they know will trigger their sub the most. That makes no sense. Why does it have to be the thing that will re-traumatize them like sexual assault, when they a struggling with their experiences with sexual assault? Or racial slurs when they didn't ask to engage in race play?
Another point of contention that I have against my participation in raceplay is that I'm South African, the n-word or minstrelsy are not mine to reclaim or reject. It does not have the same weight on me that it does for an African American person but I know the connotations that it has. We have our own word that makes me feel like punching someone whenever it's said. A word that's not even legal to speak because our wounds from oppression are still fresh for us.
From my understanding, both the Dominant and the Submissive should enjoy play right?
4. Endings
I never know how to end things. In my first month on this platform, I was ghosting people as soon as they made me feel uncomfortable. For example, if I tell you that I do not send pictures and you make me feel as though you cannot move on without images, why am I wasting my time chatting with you? It also makes me feel like if this one thing is not respected then how will you respect my limits during play? Do I want to continue with this connection? No! However, this is not always an offense deserving of the block button. I am learning that I could have a conversation explaining why I don't think I should continue with someone instead of just blocking, unless I feel extremely unsettled.
Sometimes the block button is warranted. Such as if someone ghosts me for a month or more, and then returns to demand things from me, what in their right mind makes them think that I will still be waiting for them? That deserves the blocking.
When I had a connection where I had been chatting to someone duration of over a month, that needed a proper ending. I thought I had done that by expressing that I needed to end the connection. It was an abrupt ending and I felt guilty afterwards. On the other hand, it was a complicated ending that could have been prevented if the dynamic had begun properly, in the first place.
I am okay with my experiences because I did not have the right intentions when I started my account. I, however, still question the impact that I had on others. I always question the impact that I have outside of my inner circle or one-on-one conversations. When I decided to stay, I made it a point to make sure that I focused on learning the intricacies of a BDSM dynamic. I want to make sure that in the next dynamic that I enter, I leave no room for confusion, to avoid any UNNECESSARY awkward conversations. Of course, I cannot account for everything but I can try my best to know the basics and make sure that I have a strong support system to turn to when I need to. Those things are work-in-progress though.
