Something that has been on my mind is that I am picking kinks based on what I think I would like but I haven't tried much in person, what if I don't like it?
I have tried spankings before but I don't spank myself hard enough, it's much better when someone else is doing the spanking. That is one thing that I am sure of. Also, I love accepting instructions from the right person.
I've been telling myself that I would try some things when I am able to have a space dedicated to exploring kink and the privacy to fully immerse myself in the lifestyle, which is something that I do not have right now. My goal is to have moved to a place of my own by December but what If that doesn't happen? I decided to start exploring what I can right now because the future is not guaranteed.
I started by exploring wax play. I know that I should probably get massage candles/soy candles but it was an impulsive night, so I used normal candles. It was a very interesting experience. The pain was frustrating at first but the more I did it, the more I got used to it. I can't explain it properly but I liked it. The only thing that I didn't like was that the wax got cold too quickly and was falling off my skin. I was hoping for a period of soft wax to play with. Ofcause I am not entirely sure what I am doing but It was good though.
Being on the Autism spectrum is a big driver of my desire to explore kink, I think it comes from my need for stimulation. One thing that I really want to do is unmask as an autistic person and that means not worrying so much about appearing to be an adult but also heavily leaning into testing what feels good for my body.
I really want to have a "little space", so I've started collecting teddies. They were practically free. A few months ago I went to the mall and I got scammed into joining a discount program by a local insurance. I was told that it was just a trial and that I would be able to opt out easily. That was a lie and when I called them last week, they made it sound so complicated to delete my account. I still need to decide if I am going to keep it. One benefit of the program is that there's a big Toys R Us coupon and I had been wanting to get stuff for a "llittle space". I haven't been to Toys R Us in years, so that was fun. The Toys R Us in my city is inaccessible though, only because I can't drive and the person who drives me is nosy and judgemental, lol. But I have never felt shame for being "quirky", so I might be able to be brave enough to take monthly trips to Toys R Us.
The teddies are so soft and they make me feel regulated in a way that I haven't experienced before. It's not like I never had dolls growing up but I had never been interested in teddies besides a gigantic teddy. I still aspire to get a gigantic teddy. I don't like hugs from people but I often do them as a formality. I love cuddling when I am in a relationship but they've all felt anti-climatic because I am highly sensitive to human energy. I know my body needs something to feel safe but I didn't know what it was until now. I don't understand how I've been depriving myself of such comfort.
I still feel conflicted about whether I am a little, what it means for me to be a little, and what kind of little I am. It's one thing that I really want to be able to explore when I have more privacy in my life. I used to tell my last Dom that I think I want to be able to like Barbies at 30 without the possibility of being cussed out like in a vanilla relationship (I know not all vanilla relationships are borderline abusive but I don't have the energy to kiss frogs) but I think it's more than that. Deep down it feels like more. I am still processing it, but it has brought a lot to the surface in the last 6 months. This is something that I am doing for me and only for me, and I love that.
One thing that I have been enjoying is adult parody picture books by Jenjenivivereads on TikTok. She has such a calming voice and the books are very entertaining. They cause quite a stir in the comment section but they resonate with me so much, lol.
When it comes to physical stimulations I want to try playing with ice. I have done some ice play before but I want to explore it more. I also want to find alternatives to clothing pins because they are an unpleasurable amount of pain. I heard that binder clips are a possibility. I am not sure if I am searching for pain, more than that I want to experience different and new sensations on my body. I still want to push my body a bit.
I realize that it's been 6 months that I have been exploring kink and I feel like I haven't progressed much when it comes to the actual kink but I have been getting into a healthier mental health state. I feel more clearer and I am not beating myself up anymore for liking sex. Most importantly, I can bounce back from heartbreak with much more ease than I ever had in my life because I process my emotions better and I have a good support system.
I took another BDSMtest.org test and my results had drastically changed. I am still not entirely sure what predator/prey means in the context of kink but the idea of being chased gives me flashbacks of my first few months on the Cage. It was a very isolating experience. Prey was the highest score on my results when I started exploring kink but when I took the new test I gave a low rating when questioned on whether I liked being chased and I got a 55% prey score.
The new scores reflect where I would like to be and where I am now. I am more of a baby girl submissive. In my last test, the baby girl score was zero and in the recent test, it was right on top. When I get a daddy again, he can still degrade me as he sees fit but degradation is not the core of my kink experience anymore. It was at 89% on my first test and now it's 49%. I think I've been tamed a bit these past 6 months because I had 79% brat on my first test but now I have 44% brat.
One constant is Rope Bunny, it's remained relatively the same score and it has been my strongest fantasy even though I haven't experienced it yet. It's the thing that concerns me the most because I won't be able to actually try out for quite some time. However, I've started watching some Shibari education videos on TikTok, especially videos on safe self-bondage. I am hoping to get myself a rope set in December and start practicing. Right now, I am focusing on developing upper body strength through exercises like Pilates and yoga.
I was going through these results with someone and they were helping me understand them better. I've been trying to remind myself of the "right people, right timing" and I am experiencing this right now. I got a type of conversation that I had been craving and it felt amazing. It got me interested in doing more with myself.
My biggest achievement these past few months is the ability to have a healthy outlook on sex. It's jarring that 5 years ago, I saw two cats mating and I was convinced that were placed in my path because I had unpure thoughts, I was chatting to a boy that I had a crush on, or that 6 months ago, I was going through an intense binge and purge that made me feel like I was hypersexual. Today, I can see sex as a healthy adult activity and I don't have intrusive thoughts about it.
I am in a very happy place right now.
