We have roses in our garden and I am unsure if I should do a manifestation spell or make a Turkish Delight syrup to drown my sorrows in again. When the first rose appeared a few weeks ago, I ran myself a bath and placed it in the water along with a cup of milk and a spoon of honey. I was having a shitty day and it was the best "pick-me-up". There are enough roses for everything but what do I have the energy to do is my actual dilemma.
The Turkish Delight syrup has such a funny backstory. When I started making the sweet, I was not reading my instructions properly and kept missing the part where it instructed that the syrup must simmer for an hour until it thickened. I was so confused, my syrup was not turning into firm sweets but it still tasted like the best thing ever. I even watched instructional videos and I still missed it. I hope this makes sense but it was a new technique to me that my brain kept rejecting for some reason.
I think I prefer the syrup to any Turkish Delight that I make. When it comes to the actual sweet, authentic Turkish Delight from Turkey is the best. My dream is to visit Turkey for more than a layover, so I can indulge in Turkish Delight and watch cats. Alternatively, one of the things on my bucket list for my next visit to Cape Town is to visit the Turkish store to get authentic Turkish Delights and other treats. I can imagine a picnic with one of my best male friends and watching Cape Town squirrels run around the Company Gardens in the city centre.
I took a break from social media to focus on my real life, I've been trying to finish a project for my business but it's still not done. I was also spiralling emotionally. I felt like every time I was happy and I felt comfortable in the feeling of happiness, something bad happened. I wish I could share the things that happened these past two months but it's a lot. I learned a lot about myself though and I feel at peace with myself. I feel divinely guided and it sucks sometimes, but it feels good to be protected in ways that I am. I am back to learning to let go.
So there was a domestic violence situation in my home, a relative has been in an abusive relationship for the past 20 years. A part of me is angry because this relationship and these people screwed up my perceptions of the world and relationships. There is some heavy generational trauma involved here and I am trying so hard to understand.
Anyway, my relative's partner got aggressive a few days ago and I had to call the police. She was so nonchalant about it and told us about the threats he made towards her and the weapons that he had in the house. I was livid, especially since she was still reluctant about sending him to jail. He is still not in jail but the police took him to his family home like they usually do and he ended up back in her house two days later. Then he got upset when she didn't want to stay in the house and instead slept at our family home (the houses are next to each other). I feel like she's putting us in danger because every time something happens, I have to push her to make decisions and she never does. I know that I have to be more empathetic, so I let go. I let go of any anxiety around this situation, I let go of what I have no control over.
This is why I work so hard to unlearn toxic relationship ideas and learn how to be assertive and let go. I don't want this to be my life anymore. There's a quote on TikTok that's been floating around "If you're raised with an angry man in your house, there'll always be an angry man in your house." I don't want an angry man in my house. I never want to be around a perpetually angry man again. I don't want to be the angry one either. I don't ever want to be in a house where I have to fight someone on a daily basis, as I've watched my relative do. I don't want to subject my neighbours or people around me to awkward moments and disturbances.
These past few months, as my relative has been trying to get this man to leave her house, he has been incredibly nice to me. He kept buying juice and chocolates. He bought cheese a while back and said "I made sure I bought cheddar because I know you hate Gouda." I hate Gouda with a passion. But I do not forget that I hate him even more than I hate Gouda. When I told my submissive friend about it she said, "You're not a child". That's true, you can bribe a child but an adult has the reasoning to know when a person needs consequences.
I really want to buy a house of my own soon. I visualise the furniture that I want in it, the colours and imagery that I want on the walls and I write a list of what I want to plant in my garden one day. I most importantly think about the relationships that I want in the house, the friends that I will regularly feed and play board games with, and how to fill the house with chatter, laughter and music. What kind of lovers I will invite into my house, and what kind of life partner will stay with me. How will we merge our lives and how will we resolve conflict? I've been watching clips of "The Cosby Show" and I know it's unrealistic, but I keep thinking about how I want to be as calm but strong and assertive as Clair Huxtable, even when she is angry.
I don't ever want to repeat the chaos of my childhood and my early 20s. Even when I was not around the angry man, he still followed me in my relationships with men who despised me or in spaces where I knew that I was not supposed to be. I know it's unrealistic to not have conflict but it's how the conflict is worked through that matters. Not being around defensive people and not being a defensive person is so important to me. Not being around people who cannot be accountable and who flip the blame. Not being around controlling people.
Now that I am thirty, I feel so much more comfortable with myself and confident that I am close to being the person that I want to be. Of course, she still has a lot to learn and experience. Learning how to let go and focus on myself has been rewarding, even when it's hard sometimes. I feel hopeful for my own future and breaking generational curses. I am also hopeful that the people around me can make good decisions for themselves, even when I do not agree with the decisions. It's not my business. I need to let go.
