Yesterday, I told someone I had built my tolerance for chillis and hot spices, and then I made a sweet chilli sauce that brought tears to my eyes, lol. I threw away Habeneros yesterday because I was not in the mood for that level of heat, only to find out that the chillis that I recently got had a similar level of heat (if not worse). My hands were burning after I made sweet chilli sauce and there was nothing sweet about it. lol.
There's something that I've been wanting to write about for a long time but I was afraid of that feeling that whenever I am happy something bad happens. I kept telling myself that the feeling did not have a hold over me and it doesn't. Change is not a bad thing. I really want to write something positive for once but it's extremely vulnerable and I feel stupid.
My recent dynamic felt like the most rewarding relationship I've ever had in my life, though it was chaotic. I experienced everything that I have ever wanted and learned to believe that things do get better. I feel hopeful for what life has in store for me in the future.
When I met my recent Dom I was not looking for a new dynamic but something attracted me to him and I asked him to train me. The conversations that we had on the first day were not limited to kink but he also shared music with me and videos of himself playing a guitar. I love guitars. I haven't learnt how to play beyond basic chords but most of my friends are very good self-taught guitarists. He plays an 8-string electric guitar, I never knew that 8-string guitars were a thing and I do listen to metal, I just never had a deep interest in metal. My knowledge of guitars was limited to classical/nylon and steel string acoustic or a 6-string electric and a 4-string bass.
Metal resonates with my soul but the thought of a sub-culture intimidates me. I also come from a small town that doesn't have a metal scene and when we did have a metal scene, it was not inclusive. I had been listening to more metal on YouTube around the time I met him. It's the only music that seems to calm my brain. When I heard his music, it invoked something in me. You know how penguins have a song that brings them together, this connection reminded me of that. I felt so mesmerised by him from the moment I heard him play.
I loved that I could learn new things from him. He would send me ideas for topics to write about for my business. His favourite topics were global warming and AI-related. I think about how I used to beg a man, who was an environmental activist, to have a conversation with me about anything, including his work. I got those conversations from my recent Dom without asking and he did nothing remotely connected to environmentalism as a career. I finally had a man with passions and interests and was very expressive about it.
One day I had drama at home and we spoke about it. He led the conversation from empathy to generational trauma to the state of the world. Nothing exists in a vacuum in my brain, it's all connected and it was lovely to speak to someone who just got that without me saying anything. The drama at home was not the only reason why I was sad, I also heard terrible international news and I was too scared to ask him how he felt about it. Even though we didn't talk about it at the moment, we kind of alluded to it. We spoke about injustice in the world and we realised that we are on a similar page when it comes to politics. The conversations felt engaging. It did not feel like something that one of us had to fan to keep alive through questions, the conversation was flowing.
Our play sessions were phenomenal but intense. I had been struggling with my hormones a few months ago and would have intense highs and lows. I started using birth control injections to regulate my hormones but my sex drive plummeted. I was constantly turned on by him though, especially when we spoke about topics outside of kink, I got extremely turned on by him. We tried TPE but he got very busy in his offline life and I was so frustrated because I loved reporting to him about every little thing. He is very sadistic though, with very few limits. That was something that I thought I was ready for but wasn't. It brought out some stuff in me that I thought I had healed from.
He would let me know when he was busy. One day he apologised for being quiet and I cried because I'd never experienced that before. When he didn't let me know, I would freak out and that caused conflict between us. I've never told anyone this before but when someone stops responding to me, I don't think of infidelity, I think the person is in the hospital or dead and I know it's irrational. There was a time when his phone was not working for a week and I went into full panic mode until I forced myself to switch off. I had to hold on to the idea that if there's nothing that I can do about it, then it's not worth my mental health. I forced myself to focus on myself.
I trusted him to an extent because he proved himself to be trustworthy. When he had other subs, he made us befriend each other and we had a group chat. When he said he was busy, I would never find him online anywhere. I could see his last seen on Telegram and he would be away for a long time from the chatroom where we met plus he was rarely active on Fetlife. I hate when people monitor me and I needed to remind myself to not monitor him but I had to learn to trust him. He was already a transparent person and I loved that about him.
One day he tried to get me to download an app that pays you to play games, he probably got a commission for inviting me but I still thought it was nice. No man has ever thought of my financial well-being before. Even if he had money to spend on me, I would feel uncomfortable about it because people often use money as a tool of manipulation. I appreciated his creativity. The app didn't work out though because I have a Chinese brand phone and my Google is a bit of a mess, so I struggle to get some apps.
In our last days together, he pushed me to finish my project for work. We didn't talk much but he would always ask me about my progress. He also helped me get through some blocks that I was experiencing. It was amazing to have that exchange of energy. I feel like I was just taking and taking energy though. I had nothing to offer him that he actually wanted. I wasn't even his type.
Two weeks ago, he showed me around his city through videos and photographs. We spoke about my aspirations, my work and my passions. I want to have a shop one day that stocks products from local artists in my city. I told him my passion is art. He walked around his city taking pictures of galleries for me, one of them was an art centre called "Ophelia's Making Academy". It was such a huge building and it was a type of art centre that did exactly what I wanted to do. I told him I wanted a place like that one day. I felt as though I saw my future.
He made me feel seen. Around him, I could be my whole authentic self - smart, ambitious and sexual.
I fantasise about a road trip to Botswana with him, to experience the metal scene there. I don't even like driving but I feel inspired to get my license and a car. I have never had faith in myself to ever find the desire to do a long-distance drive but here I am, with the strong desire to strengthen my driving muscles, so I can get used to driving long distances. Though we're not together anymore, I still fantasized about it.
I was so madly attracted to this person, in the way that Lana Del Rey writes about men in her music or if he asked me to jump into a radio-active toxic waste tank in Gotham, I would, without a question. That is not healthy, that is insanity. I spent my entire life praying for a certain kind of life and I feel that it is close by, but I found myself praying, "I don't want my new beginning if he is not in it". * rolling eyes at myself * He doesn't do commitment, he is not commitment material and he was not looking for commitment. He does not even talk about collars. I'm not ready for commitment either. I cannot have any kind of commitment without my "new beginning". So what delusional nonsense was I praying about?
A funny thing is that, when I have a conversation about collars with other people or other Doms, the commitment of a collar feels intimidating to me. When it comes to him though, if he wanted to collar me, I would accept in a heartbeat. When I mentioned a collar once, that's when he showed me the app to make money. He thought I meant the play collar. I had mentioned to him before that I hoped I could get toys soon but they are so expensive and I guess he was trying to help with that.
I had developed an unhealthy codependency. I felt as though I didn't want to live without him. I knew I could live without him but I didn't want to live without him. I would lay in my bed unsure of what to do with myself when he was too busy to speak to me. I had so much to do and I would have to force myself out of bed. My ASD brain's need for consistency makes me feel stuck if there is a disturbance in my routine, but I could manage the feeling these past few months. When mixed with codependency, I felt lost. My routine should not be dependent on other people's attention.
I always said that I do not want to have a Joker-Harley Quinn dynamic because it is dangerous and toxic. Lately, I've been using the analogy of Batman and Catwoman as a healthy dynamic. Batman proves to Catwoman that he is reliable, stable and safe, so she allows him to tame her a bit but she still has her independence. I felt like I took a step back in my healing. I did so many things that I hated. I begged. He likes it when I beg but there's a certain point where I hate begging. I developed strong feelings for someone who I knew could not reciprocate them.
We knew this wasn't going to be long-term, the agreement was that I would be his sub until he decided he didn't want me. There are so many other reasons why this dynamic is not supposed to be long-term. We spoke of how our dynamic will be online only because US immigration is hard to get through and visiting the US is expensive. My social media is very political and I've seen my friends get rejected by the embassy for less. On the other hand, he loves his freedom and I respect that, it's something that I love about him and would never take away. He has had live-in subs before but I could never just be a sub in an offline relationship. I need stability and safety. I would never uproot my life for uncertainty. He also doesn't do vanilla relationships and I am not his type.
He once said that I was his type, and then he ended the dynamic the next day. I am laughing as I am writing this.
My biggest fear when I started exploring kink was being considered a fake sub, there's also a blog post that I read a few months ago about "toxic subs" that still haunts me today. When I was processing the ending of my dynamic, I felt so much shame that this dynamic barely lasted two months when it felt like everything that I had ever wanted. I understand why it ended and it was for the best. I am at peace with it because the good outweighs the bad. I don't really care anymore about being a "good sub". I don't have the energy to care anymore. I am learning so much about myself though and that is the most important thing for me.
