I have recently discovered something about myself. That I feel like I should have known already. Yes, I have been through trauma, that trauma has shaped me into the person I am today. That without that trauma, I would not be me. At the same time tho, I can not let that trauma define me as a person. As a young woman. As someones other half.
I feel the need to run. That something is pushing me to leave where I am and explore what is out there. I feel stuck and like I am standing in wet concrete that is drying around me. Or someone has placed this huge weight on my shoulders that I cannot let fall or I am a failure.
noun: failure
1. Lack of success.
"an economic policy that is doomed to failure"
2. The omission of expected or required action.
"their failure to comply with the basic rule.
oversight
3. A lack or deficiency of a desirable quality.
"a failure of imagination"
4. The action or state of not functioning.
"symptoms of heart failure"
I dislike that word. I do not want to be a failure.
A teacher once told me " You will be one of your parents." My father- a drug addict/ mean alcoholic or my mother- a woman who constantly needed a man to make her feel good. Both terrible parents due to lack of knowledge, choices they made, and being young when having children and getting married (16).
My need to please has made me realize I did not get enough praise as a child. Mother always working and father always high or drunk. Now days, my mother is on her fourth marriage (we talk weekly) and father is sober but never answers my calls anymore (2 messages from him since April, did not even answer on fathers day).
I know I have daddy issues. Wanting to be loved, protected, cared for and taught because my own father did not do these things.
I wonder if it is because I want to feel accepted or if I want to see people around me happy.
Im looking through the looking glass.