Under The Whip

Lately, I’ve been watching a few of my friends step into the world of kink with intention. They’re not naïve. They know what they want, what they need, and, most importantly, what they will not tolerate. They ask questions. They set boundaries. They move slowly and thoughtfully. And honestly? I respect the hell out of that.

Which brings me to why I’m writing this.

Recently, I had a conversation with a man who, very clearly, was barking up the wrong tree. I am deeply happy in my not so perfect, very real dynamic with both of my Masters. Still, conversation happened. He identified himself as a Dominant. Naturally, I asked the kinds of questions many of us do: Leather lifestyle? Philosophies like Gorean? Sadist? Experience with power exchange beyond the bedroom?

And that’s when the mask slipped.

He admitted he only lists himself as a Dominant because it is “easier to meet women” and get them into bed. No interest in power exchange. No desire for responsibility, structure, care, or accountability. Just casual sex, wrapped in a stolen title.

I found it disgusting. Predatory. And yes, in my personal opinion, behavior like that edges dangerously close to sexual assault because it relies on deception and exploitation. I told him plainly to never contact me again and to stop lying to people to use them.

Now here’s the part that truly breaks my heart.

As my friend continues her search for a healthy, consensual dynamic, this is all she seems to find. Men who claim dominance but offer nothing beyond “hello… can I see your naked pictures?” Men who apply pressure immediately. Men who vanish the moment boundaries appear. So I have to ask: how did we get here?

Are these men actually Dominants seeking meaningful, ethical power exchange, or are they simply using a title as bait? How has our community fallen so far that this behavior is not only tolerated, but common?

Let me be clear, there is absolutely space in kink for casual sex, fetish play, swingers, and purely physical encounters. That is not the problem. The problem is lying. If you want kink without commitment, say that. Stay in your lane. Do not masquerade as something you are not. Trust me, we can see right through you.

I believe we have a responsibility as a community to uphold standards. Words like Dominant and submissive mean something. When we allow people to misuse them, others get hurt. I wish I had a better solution than quietly keeping my own list of people I refuse to allow at my events, but right now, that’s where I’m at.

So all I can really do is write. And warn.

There are people out there claiming titles they have not earned. Some will say they are Dominant. Others will say they are submissive. And some will use those labels to extract sex, money, labor, attention, or control, without consent or integrity.

Please be mindful. Ask the hard questions. Take your time. If someone pressures you to give more, move faster, or ignore your instincts before you’re ready, see that for what it is.

A massive red flag.

You are allowed to say no thank you. You are allowed to walk away. And you are allowed to demand honesty in a community built on trust.

Stay safe out there.
 

Today, while I was playing a video game with a dear friend of mine, our conversation drifted into something heavier. She was sharing about a few men who had been messaging her, hoping to get to know her, maybe find something deeper, possibly even a dynamic. One of those conversations took a turn that made my stomach drop.

This man admitted that his last submissive ghosted him. As he explained further, he casually mentioned that she had been married and that her husband had no idea she was involved in a power exchange.

Honestly? That alone told me everything I needed to know about why he was likely ghosted.

But my friend didn’t stop there. She asked if he knew the woman was married at the time. He said yes. She then asked why he was okay engaging with her, knowing she was lying to her partner. His response was that it wasn’t his responsibility as a man to make sure a husband wasn’t being cheated on.

And just… ew.

That response made my skin crawl. What bothers me most isn’t just that this behavior exists, it is that it is often brushed off, excused, or even normalized in kink spaces. I know there are people who claim that cheating is their kink. I will die on this hill when I say this clearly and loudly, cheating on your partner is not a kink. It never has been and never will be. Violating someone’s Consent is not erotic. It is not edgy. It is not part of ethical non-monogamy.

It is harm.

I cannot be around people who lack integrity, honor, and honesty. I cannot build friendships, let alone dynamics or play, with people who are unwilling to live authentically and ethically. Cheating is not a neutral act. It causes long term damage, trust issues, self worth wounds, lingering doubt, and pretending otherwise is willful ignorance.

And here’s the part that disturbs me even more, anyone who knowingly accepts a partner who is already lying to someone else is showing me exactly how unsafe they are. If you are willing to participate in deception, you are not trustworthy. Full stop. If you will betray someone who shares a life with you, you will betray me too. I am not interested in relationships, friendships or power exchanges built on rot.

These are my values. These are my boundaries. You are free to live however you choose, but live it far away from me. If you choose to cheat, to deceive, to cause harm and call it kink, you have already disqualified yourself from my circle, my trust, and my respect.

Dominance, Submission, power exchange, and kink demand more integrity, not less. They demand accountability, consent, and honor. Anything else is cowardice dressed up.

And I will never kneel at the feet of dishonor.