Under The Whip

Wow, every few years, I retake this test to track my personal growth and evolution. Tonight’s results showed the most dramatic shift I’ve ever seen. I have to admit, it’s a bit disheartening to see how much some of the scores have declined.

💜💜💜💜

100% Degradee
100% Masochist
100% Rope bunny
100% Submissive
100% Exhibitionist
95% Slave
86% Pet
82% Experimentalist
82% Primal (Prey)
77% Non-monogamist
51% Little
16% Voyeur
7% Vanilla
5% Brat
0% Ageplayer
0% Switch

“The eyes of a Master will do more work than both his hands!” – Author Unknown

Ohhh, how true those words are! As a Gorean slave girl, I’ve felt the truth of this quote ripple through every part of me. Yes, my Masters' hands absolutely leave their mark. Sometimes in the form of firm correction, sometimes as a possessive grip around my throat or waist, and often in soft, caressing moments that remind me I am Theirs. Physical discipline certainly plays its role. It reinforces the structure we’ve agreed upon and reminds me to remain the best version of the slave I’ve sworn to be. But Their eyes? Those do something else entirely.

One look from Their can undo me.

They don't even have to speak. Sometimes, They don’t even need to touch. A single glance can whisper volumes, no, it commands volumes. When Their eyes land on me across the room, or while I kneel with bowed head and feel the weight of Their gaze on my skin, it is like time stops. My breath catches. My heart flutters. My thighs clench. I know I am seen. Not just looked at, but truly seen, as property, as Their slut, as Their slave They own down to her soul.

Their eyes can say, “You are Mine.”

They can burn with desire and make me feel like the most delicious creature in the world. That kind of look melts every bit of willful disobedience right out of me. But they can also narrow with warning, and in that split second, my whole posture shifts, back straight, chin down, mouth shut. I don't even need to be told. Their eyes say it all, “You’re pushing it, slut, and there will be consequences.” And oh, how that thrills and humbles me.

Sometimes, even when I’m not looking directly at Them, I can feel it, that stare. That unspoken energy that dances on my flesh like a kiss and a leash all at once. I know when I’ve pleased Them. I know when I’ve fallen short. It is written in the fire or the frost behind those eyes.

Their eyes hold authority, desire, disappointment, pride, pleasure, all without a word. And when They look at me with approval? Gods, I glow. I radiate joy and purpose and pride. All because I saw it, just that look. That beautiful, wordless, powerful look that tells me I’m being a good girl.

So yes, my Masters' hands do wonders. But Their eyes? They command, they correct, they caress. They own.

And this girl wouldn’t have it any other way.

"Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." - Oliver Goldsmith

If you were to look at my journey from the outside, you might see a slave girl kneeling in grace, obeying with joy, glowing with pride in her submission. But what you may not see are the countless times I’ve stumbled. The times I broke protocol. The tears I’ve shed in frustration. The moments I questioned if I was even meant for this path.

Yes, I’ve failed. More times than I can count.

There were nights I laid awake wondering if I was enough. If I was too much. If I was too bratty, too needy, too forgetful, too sensitive. I would try so hard and still fall short. And for a while, I truly believed that each failure was proof that I wasn’t cut out for this, this beautiful, demanding, soul deep life of service and surrender.

But here’s the truth. If I had stayed down after every fall, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

I wouldn’t be kneeling in belonging at the feet of two extraordinary men who see me, guide me, and lead me with wisdom and strength. Men who hold me accountable while also holding space for my softness. Men who demand my best but never expect my perfection.

If I had given up when the journey got messy, I would have missed out on the most profound, life changing love I’ve ever known.

Each stumble taught me something. Every failure became a lesson. I learned patience when I wanted to rush. I learned humility when I wanted to argue. I learned grace, for myself, when I realized mistakes are not disqualifiers, but invitations to grow.

My obedience has deepened not because I stopped failing, but because I kept rising. My service has become more intentional because I have learned from the times I got it wrong. And most of all, I have grown as a person, more grounded, more open, more attuned to the sacred dance between strength and submission.

This path is not perfect. I am not perfect. But I am devoted. And that devotion drives me to rise again and again, no matter how many times I fall.

So, to the slaves who feel like they’re failing, please don’t stop. Don’t give up. The glory is not in flawless service, but in the courage to keep going. Every time you choose to get back on your knees with an open heart and willing spirit, you are building something beautiful.

You are becoming.

And so am I.

Restraint & Bondage
[ ] Rope ( jute, nylon)
[ ] Silicone handcuffs
[ ] Bondage tape (non adhesive)
[ ] Leather cuffs (wrist/ankle)
[ ] Carabiners or clips
[ ] Blindfold
[ ] Gags (ball gag, bit gag, etc.)
[ ] Collar with leash
[ ] Spreader bar

Impact Toys
[ ] Floggers (leather, suede, rubber)
[ ] Paddles (wood, leather)
[ ] Canes (rattan, rubber, bamboo, silicone)
[ ] Straps
[ ] Rubber Mallet

Sensory Play
[ ] Feather ticklers
[ ] Plugs
[ ] Clamps
[ ] Wartenberg wheels
[ ] Ice packs / warming pack
[ ] Massage oil / paraffin candles
[ ] Vampire gloves
[ ] Earplugs / sensory deprivation ear muffs
[ ] Suction Cupping Set/Fire Cupping
[ ] Electro Play Kit (Neon Wand and accessories)

M/s Essentials
[ ] Consent Form
[ ] Hard Limits List
[ ] Protocol cards / task cards
[ ] Negotiation form
[ ] Scene Debriefing form
[ ] Aftercare blanket / plush item/paci
[ ] Water bottle
[ ] Snacks (aftercare-friendly)
[ ] Cigar Travel Box (For Cigar Service)

Hygiene & Prep
[ ] Gloves (Latex Free)
[ ] Puppy Pads
[ ] Lubricant (water based, allergy sensitive)
[ ] Condoms (internal and external)
[ ] Toy cleaner / antibacterial wipes
[ ] Towels / wet wipes
[ ] Hair ties
[ ] Portable mirror
[ ] Brush
[ ] Gum
[ ] Chapstick
[ ] Small bottle of mouthwash
[ ] Lotion
[ ] Bootblack travel box (Contains my essentials for on the go leather care)

BDSM First Aid Kit Checklist
Basic First Aid
[ ] Adhesive bandages (various sizes)
[ ] Gauze pads and medical tape
[ ] Antiseptic wipes / hydrogen peroxide
[ ] Antibiotic ointment (e.g., Neosporin)
[ ] Tweezers (for splinters)
[ ] Scissors (medical/trauma shears/ safety sheers for Rope)
[ ] Instant cold packs
[ ] Gloves (latex-free)
[ ] CPR face shield / mask
[ ] Alcohol swabs
[ ] Ace Bandages
[ ] Hand Sanitizer

Medications (as needed)
[ ] Pain relievers (e.g., acetaminophen, ibuprofen)
[ ] Antihistamines (e.g., Benadryl for allergic reactions)
[ ] Hydrocortisone cream (for irritation or welts)
[ ] Glucose tablets or hard candy (for drops in blood sugar)
[ ] Electrolyte packets
[ ] My Insulin

Scene Specific First Aid
[ ] Burn cream (if using wax play)
[ ] Eye drops (for debris/irritation)
[ ] Snake bite kit (for edge players who explore wilderness scenes)
[ ] Instant hemostatic clotting pads (for deeper abrasions or cuts)
[ ] Trauma pads (for larger wounds or unexpected accidents)

Emergency Info
[ ] Emergency contact card
[ ] Allergy list
[ ] Medications and dosage list
[ ] List of medical disorders/diseases/surgeries.
[ ] Local emergency numbers (especially when traveling)

This list is constantly growing, and if there's something in your toy bag that's not included here, please feel free to share it. I'm always eager to discover new items and smarter ways to enhance my time in play spaces.

These thirty topics are crafted to inspire thoughtful, informed, and deeply reflective writing. You can explore them one at a time across different days, use them as prompts for journaling, or dive into them in a single, expansive post, it is entirely up to you. Let them guide your voice, challenge your perspective, and most of all, enjoy the process.

1. *Who Am I as a Brat Submissive?*, Exploring the intersection of playfulness, resistance, and surrender.

2. *Brat Isn’t a Dirty Word*, Debunking the stigma around Brat dynamics in BDSM.

3. *The Psychology of Bratting*, Is it defiance, or is it a call for deeper connection?

4. *Submissive, Not Silent* , How Brat subs assert agency while still yielding control.

5. *Why I Choose Brat Over Obedient Submissive*, A personal journey through power, resistance, and trust.

6. *What Bratting Means in a Power Exchange Relationship*, Beyond “bratty behavior.”

7. *Brat Topping from the Bottom?* Understanding control, consent, and influence.

8. *Creating Rituals and Protocols for Brat Subs* Structure without stifling spirit.

9. *Brat Tamer Chemistry*, What makes this dynamic work (or fail)?

10. *Can a Brat Be High Protocol?* Navigating rules, structure, and rebellion.

11. *Brat Submissive vs. Service Submissive*, Where do values, needs, and styles diverge?

12. *Playful Defiance vs. Devotional Obedience*, Examining submissive archetypes.

13. *Is Being a Brat Compatible with 24/7 Power Exchange?* A nuanced discussion.

14. *The Brat Sub vs. the Bratty Partner*, Knowing the difference between kink expression and emotional immaturity.

15. *How Brat Dynamics Evolve Over Time Compared to Other Submissive Roles*, Growth, change, and redefinition.

16. *Why Brats Crave Attention, Not Just Correction*, Exploring emotional needs beneath the surface.

17. *The Vulnerability of Being a Brat*, It is not always about sass.

18. *Brat Shame in the Kink World*, How marginalization within BDSM spaces affects identity and self-worth.

19. *Do I Have to “Grow Out” of Being a Brat?*, Challenging community expectations of “maturity.”

20. *When Bratting Is a Trauma Response*, Exploring the fine line between kink and self-protection.

21. *How It Feels to Be Shunned as a Brat in BDSM Spaces*, A personal narrative of exclusion and resilience.

22. *Brat Erasure: Why Are We Treated Like We’re Not ‘Real’ Submissives?*

23. *Fitting into a Leather Household as a Brat*, Can tradition and rebellion coexist?

24. *The Brat Submissive and Online Spaces*, Are we more accepted digitally than in real life?

25. *Finding My Tribe: Where Do Brats Truly Belong in the Kink Community?*

26. *A Day in the Life of a Brat Submissive*, Rituals, resistance, and relationship flow.

27. *Negotiating as a Brat*, How boundaries, safewords, and limits are shaped by this dynamic.

28. *Power Through Play: The Strength Behind the Sass*

29. *How Bratting Helps Me Heal*, Reclaiming autonomy through kink.

30. *The Beauty of Being Misunderstood*, Turning rejection into self-celebration as a Brat submissive.

1. Does your Dominance – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? How do you view your style of Dominance? If you do not use a label why?

2. Today’s questions: Describe what you are looking for in a submissive and the techniques you might use to instill those characteristics in your submissive. Are you exclusively Dominant in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you Dominant only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you Dominant to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

3. How do you know you are a Dominant or have the potential to be Dominant? How do you feel when you express your Dominance?

4. Do you switch into a submissive role at any time? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you? If you are in a Domestic Discipline relationship, are there things that you do not maintain control over?

5. What are your thoughts entirely on a D/s dynamic? Talk about your expectations as a Dominant.

6. What do you feel are the roots of your Dominance? Do you think it has something to do with childhood, upbringing or parental example? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

7. Do you inflict discipline or punishment as part of your Dominance? Why or why not? How do you feel about discipline and punishment as tools used to invoke and maintain submission from your partner/s?

8. Is spanking or corporal punishment part of your Dominance? Why or why not? How do you feel about spanking and/or corporal punishment as tools used to invoke and maintain submission from your partner/s?

9. Do you set and enforce structure, rules and limits as part of your Dominance? Why or why not? How do you feel about the use of structure, rules and limits as tools used to invoke and maintain submission from your partner/s?

10, Do you utilize any elements of BDSM in your Dominant style? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your Dominance, peripheral or non-existent?

11. Do you expect servitude from your submissive/s? How do you define servitude and service? What does it mean to you? If you do not seek or expect servitude from your submissive/s, what is it about the concept of servitude that is not for you?

12. Do you expect financial submission from submissive partner/s? If yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concept of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

13. Is sexual availability, having your submissive partner/s sexually available to you at any time and in any manner you choose, part of your expectations as a Dominant? Why or why not? Are there acceptable limits to this? If so, what are they?

14. Does religion have any bearing on your Dominance or the way you expect your partner/s to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

15. Has your Dominance evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you? What do you attribute this evolution (or lack of) to?

16. Have you found that your Dominance has changed with different partners or relationships? If you’re involved with, or have been involved with, partners of both sexes, has your Dominance changed based on gender or do you feel that it is dependent on the submissive as an individual?

17. What does trust mean to you in the context of Dominance? How do you inspire trust in your submissive?

18. As a Dominant how important is communication in a D/s dynamic? Has the way you communicated changed over the years? Does your Dominance affect how you communicate?

19. How socially connected are you as a Dominant? Do you look for others to talk to about your Dominance either for support, learning, educating or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

20. Has your Dominance increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate with your submissive due to a change in feelings or circumstance? Have your interests as a Dominant expanded or contracted over time?

21, Is there a physical position that makes you feel most Dominant? Is there a physical position you prefer your submissive to take in order to express their submission?

22. Can you feel Dominant without a submissive partner? If so, how does your Dominance express itself? If not, how do you handle your need to be Dominant?

23. Is there anything about Dominance, either your own or what you see in others, which you question, dislike or are repelled by? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own Dominant needs and desires?

24. Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express your Dominance? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

25. What are the emotions that most directly let you access your Dominance? What feelings do they inspire?

26. What are the qualities that you seek in a submissive partner? Are there qualities which you consider ‘must haves’ or ‘must not haves’? If so, what are they and for what reasons are they ‘must haves’ or ‘must not haves’?

27. Do you have Dominant desires or fantasies that you have yet to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

28. Has your Dominance ever failed you? Have you ever been criticized or received negative feedback for your Dominance? Have you ever regretted your actions or emotions as a Dominant either in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and, if so, what lessons did you learn and how did you apply them?

29. Is pain or humiliation part of your Dominant expression? What is your relationship to pain and humiliation? Do you embrace it as part of your Dominance, inflict it reluctantly or have some other type of relationship with it?

30. Is your need to be Dominant being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and be happy and content without being able to express your Dominance in the way that feels best to you? What makes being a Dominant special to you?

1. How long have you been a sub?

2. What are your preferred names to be called?

3. Do you have a Dom?

4. Are you an obedient or a bratty sub?

5. Do you prefer having rewards or punishments?

6. What are your hard limits?

7. What's your favorite kink?

8. What do you call your Dom?

9. What are your turn-ons?

10. 10 What are your turn-offs?

11. What kind of submissive are you?

12. What rules are you given?

13. What's your least favorite punishment?

14. What's your dream date with your Dom?

15. What's your ideal Dom?

16. What gets you into sub-space?

17. What's your safe word?

18. Would you share your Dom with other subs?

19. What's your sexuality?

20. Do you like being spanked?

21. What's your favorite kink?

22. What's your biggest insecurity?

23. What's your favorite position?

24. What's your least favorite position?

25. What's your favorite activity?

26. So your friends know of your kinks?

27. Favorite outfit to wear?

28. Do you like dressing up your Dom?

29. What outfit do you like seeing your Dom in?

30. Would you like to have more than one Dom?

Self Scolding – Confess a past mistake in service and speak about how you will improve.

Those who have walked with me know my journey has not always been graceful. I have spoken often of my past, of the challenges I’ve faced in taking things seriously, and the toxic behaviors I once embodied. Like all who walk the path of truth and authenticity, I had to start somewhere, and that beginning was far from perfect.

Even now, I continue to struggle. Pleasing and obedience do not come effortlessly, though I strive daily to embody them. I’ve made progress in managing my temper and addressing my anger. I’ve grown in my ability to communicate, and I deeply value the training, mentorship, and education I’ve received in the lifestyle. I pursue excellence with great intention. But I am still human. I falter. I make mistakes.

Last night was one of those moments.

In a painful surge of anger, stress, and frustration, I lost control. I raised my voice at Master Damon and spoke with aggression. Something that brings me deep regret. I have since offered my sincere apology.

Out of respect for House matters, I will not disclose the content of that discussion. What I will speak to is my behavior. Despite the emotional intensity of the moment, Master Damon remained calm. He did not mirror my anger or raise his voice in response. He met my aggression with composure. Something I failed to do.

Triggers are real. They can be overwhelming. But they are not excuses. They do not permit me to abandon my rules, my protocols, or my commitment to clear and respectful communication, commitments I have made in writing, in contract, and in spirit.

All I can do now is take full accountability. I must reflect on what led to my reaction, understand the emotions that drove it, and store that knowledge with care so I may act differently in the future. I will strive to recognize these emotional surges as they rise, to breathe through them, to request the space to kneel and reflect when needed, and to center myself before speaking.

The truth is simple. The behavior I displayed was unacceptable. It does not reflect the slave I aspire to be.

To my Masters and this House, I make this vow. I will do better. I will work tirelessly to identify and Master my triggers. I will not allow emotional overwhelm to dictate my behavior again. As First Girl of House of Koch, I serve as an example. It is my duty to embody the standards expected of every girl in our House. I take this responsibility seriously, and I will renew my efforts to lead from a place of humility, rather than stress or fear.

To my Masters and their House: I am deeply sorry. Thank you for holding me accountable, and for offering me the space to grow. I am honored to be trusted with the opportunity to correct my course and continue walking this path.

With sincerity,
The First Girl of House of Koch
- Ava

Slave's Oath – Speak or record an oath of total obedience. Repeat until memorized and recite it before Them.

By my will and with full heart,
I surrender wholly, without reservation.

My heart, body, mind and soul are yours to command.

I exist to serve, to please, to obey.

In your guidance, I find purpose.

In your will, I find peace.

This I swear, freely and forever.

La Kajira!!!

There’s a quote that’s always stayed with me, tucked deep in the quiet corners of my mind, "To serve people takes dignity and intelligence." – Lionel, Maid in Manhattan

To most, submission is misunderstood. It is mistaken for weakness, blind obedience, or some kind of shameful yielding. But I know better. I live it. I am it.

My life as a slave girl is not about being less than. It is about becoming more me. Stripped of ego, yet filled with pride. In every act of service I offer, there is a current of purpose, of deliberate presence. Whether I’m pouring His drink, kneeling in silence at His feet, or navigating protocols that others might find rigid, I am constantly engaged, mind, body, and spirit.

Serving is not mindless. It is art. It is attentiveness, emotional awareness, humility, and skill woven into action. A submissive heart doesn’t mean an empty head. Quite the opposite. My submission demands that I be alert, emotionally intelligent, and deeply attuned to my Masters' desires, rhythms, moods. It asks me to observe, anticipate, adapt.

There is dignity in this. In choosing, fully and consciously, to surrender. In embracing vulnerability as a sacred strength. In finding deep worth not in power over others, but in the quiet power of devotion and service. I am not ashamed of my kneeling. I am honored by it.

In a world that celebrates control, ambition, and Dominance, I have chosen the path of mindful surrender. And it takes more strength than most will ever understand. That quote, “To serve people takes dignity and intelligence”, isn’t just a sweet sentiment. For me, it is truth. It is my truth. And I live it with pride in my collar, grace in my movements, and love in my heart.

Always in service.
Always In Love And Fire.
La Kajira!