Under The Whip

So, I read something earlier today that stopped me in my tracks: the idea that sexism is the orgasm gap. Basically, it means that while most men orgasm during sex, many women rarely, if ever, do. And honestly? I used to be one of those women.

In my early twenties, I thought I was having orgasms. Turns out… I wasn’t. (Yikes.) I didn’t realize that until I met my Master, Damon, who, for the record, was the first person to actually give me an orgasm. And not just one. But we’ll get to that in a minute.

Now, let me give credit where it is due. My mom was very sex-positive. She talked openly about sex, never shamed me, and always encouraged me to be informed. But here’s the catch, being informed isn’t the same as being equipped. I didn’t know how to communicate my desires. I didn’t have the words or the confidence to say, “Hey, this is what I need.” And if I’m being real, I was also choosing trash partners who were offering the bare minimum, and I was accepting it.

Why? Because trauma taught me that I didn’t get to have a voice. That was the script I was living by.

Therapy helped me change that. I started doing the heavy emotional weeding, pulling out the limiting beliefs, the shame, the fear of asking for what I wanted. And you know what I found under all that? My voice. My needs. My absolute right to sexual satisfaction.  So... is the orgasm gap real? Yes, for some. But do I still experience it now? Hell no. I am living, moaning, soaking wet proof that women can have incredible, fulfilling sex, over and over again.

These days? Let's just say I go full Niagara Falls. Multiple orgasms are my norm. Better wear goggles, its splash mountain between my thighs. My record? Thirty two. (I know. I counted. You're welcome.) We’re talking hours of sex, layered with foreplay, toys, emotional connection, and straight up worship. And my partners? They might get one orgasm in the same amount of time. Not because I’m not trying to reciprocate, but because that’s how our bodies are wired.

Do I feel guilty? Nope.
Do I think it makes me sexist? Also nope.
Do I think it’s unfair? Maybe a little, but I’m not complaining!

Looking back at all those disappointing encounters in my past, I don’t blame the men for not being “Sexual Gods.” They didn’t know, and I didn’t tell them. That’s on me. I didn’t advocate for myself because I didn’t know how. But now? Now I do.

So, if you’re stuck in the orgasm gap, here’s my advice. Don’t blame it all on your partner. Dig deep. Find your voice. Do the work. Learn your body. Communicate your needs. And for the love of all things sexy, stop accepting the bare minimum.

As Noah said in The Notebook: “What do you want?!” Figure that out, communicate with your partner, and go get it.

There’s something I’ve been sitting with for a while now, and today I’m choosing to speak up about it, not because it is easy, but because it matters.

We talk a lot these days about healing, trauma, therapy, and accountability. And honestly? That’s a good thing. It is healthy that we’re having these conversations in public spaces and personal circles alike. But what’s really bothering me, what’s weighing on my chest, is the sheer imbalance I keep seeing in how those conversations are applied across the gender spectrum.

We hold men accountable all the time. Men are told to deconstruct toxic masculinity, go to therapy, learn emotional literacy, stop being emotionally unavailable, and be better communicators. And they should. That work is necessary and vital, not just for women, but for men themselves. But here’s the thing.

Why are we not holding women to the same standard?

Someone said something recently that stuck with me, "Women weren't raised or taught to demand pleasure. So most won't talk about how, let alone ask for it." That’s real. Generations of women were conditioned to be passive, to prioritize others' needs, and to suppress their own desires. That conditioning runs deep. I don’t deny that.

But here’s what I will say. Recognizing that conditioning is not an excuse to sit in it forever.

What gets under my skin is the hypocrisy. Women are often quick to critique men for poor communication, emotional suppression, or lack of empathy, and yes, those criticisms can be valid. But when the mirror is held up and the flaws in our side are exposed, suddenly it is “Don’t blame the victim,” or “You don’t understand my trauma,” or “You’re just silencing women.”

No. I’m holding everyone accountable, myself included.

I’m tired of the blanket blaming of “men this, men that,” when the deeper truth is that a lot of women were also never taught how to advocate for their needs, how to communicate clearly, how to ask for what they want instead of expecting someone to read their minds. And instead of learning, we’re often encouraged to sit in resentment and victimhood, while tossing accusations like confetti.

That’s not empowerment. That’s stagnation.

If we want men to heal from toxic masculinity, then women need to heal from toxic femininity, too. The kind that teaches manipulation over communication, martyrdom over self awareness, and entitlement over partnership.

Healing is not gendered. It is human.

You don’t get a free pass from doing the work just because your wounds came in a prettier package. You don’t get to demand emotional fluency from others while avoiding your own inner work. You don’t get to complain endlessly about the “lack of good men” while refusing to look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Am I showing up as the kind of partner I expect someone else to be?"

It is easy to weaponize trauma. But real healing? Real growth? That takes guts.

I’m not interested in the blame game anymore. I’m interested in solutions, in accountability, and in truth. You can’t change what you don’t own, and you can’t evolve by staying stuck in the same loops of justification. So to anyone, man, woman, or nonbinary, who keeps falling back on “this is just how I was raised,” I ask: Okay… but what are you doing about it now?

If you want different results in your life, your relationships, your joy, you’ve got to do the work. You’ve got to step out of the narrative and write a new one. No more scapegoats. No more excuses. Just real people, doing real healing, with real accountability. Let’s all rise to that.

In our community, there’s a phrase I’ve heard recently, “Just because someone says yes doesn’t always mean they truly meant yes.” And I agree, this is absolutely true. There are countless reasons why someone might agree to something they aren't fully comfortable with. These responses are often deeply rooted in trauma, fear of conflict, people pleasing tendencies, guilt, or a sense of obligation.

I've seen it, and I've lived it, those moments where you say "yes" to keep the peace, to avoid disappointing someone, or because you didn’t feel you could say "no." And what happens afterward? Often, it leads to emotional backlash, resentment, self betrayal, shame, withdrawal, or even ghosting. The requestor, who may have had no idea the consent was anything but genuine, can become the scapegoat for feelings the individual hasn’t yet learned to navigate or own.

And this is where things become complicated, and sometimes unfair.

While trauma is never a person’s fault, healing from it is our responsibility. Learning to say "no" when we mean no, to communicate our boundaries clearly, and to take ownership of our own emotional well being, these are critical life skills, especially in consent based, alternative communities like ours.

I’ve seen people weaponize a lack of communication and maturity, calling others consent violators not because actual non consensual harm occurred, but because they themselves never set a limit, asked a question, or expressed uncertainty. This is dangerous, not only because it harms others’ reputations unjustly, but because it slows our own growth. It reinforces a victim mindset where self agency is abandoned in favor of blame.

Is it the responsibility of more experienced partners to foster open dialogue, establish clear expectations, and check in? Yes, absolutely. But are they also human, capable of making mistakes, missing cues, or assuming mutual understanding based on a clear "yes"? Also yes!

We cannot expect others to carry the full burden of consent when we ourselves are not willing, or able, to engage honestly, ask questions, or say “no.” And when someone fails to do that, the answer isn't public condemnation or finger pointing. It is reflection. It is growth. It is therapy. It is education. It is accountability, not just for others, but for ourselves.

If you find yourself consistently saying “yes” when you mean “no,” I encourage you to explore the reasons why. There is no shame in having trauma responses, many of us do. But there is empowerment in choosing to face them, to heal, and to cultivate the boundaries that protect our peace and affirm our autonomy.

Because ultimately, no one else can be the gatekeeper of your consent but you!!!

When My Kinks Weren't About What I Wanted, But What I Never Got

There’s something I’ve come to understand in my journey as a slave girl, and it is not something I hear often enough in kink spaces. My kinks weren’t always about what I wanted, they were often about what I never got.

That truth cracked me wide open.

For the longest time, I couldn’t quite explain why certain fetishes gripped me so tightly. Why being owned, restrained, objectified, or punished felt not just arousing, but necessary. I used to feel ashamed, like I was broken for craving things others might flinch at. But as I dug deeper, I began to see the truth. My submission is a response to my unmet needs.

The girl who was overlooked, neglected, or constantly forced to be “strong” built a fantasy world, one where she could surrender, where she mattered, where every gesture, every command, every collar meant, you are seen, you are wanted, you belong. My kink isn’t just about chains or protocol. It is about attention I was starving for. Protection I never received. Safety that felt out of reach. The ache of being invisible, finally soothed in a space where being claimed and controlled makes me real.

This is not damage, this is my body trying to heal. I’ve learned that what I crave in scenes, being powerless, obedient, degraded, or even cherished, often taps into places where I was never given a choice, never allowed softness, never truly held.

Being tied up isn’t just sexy. It is symbolic. It says: You don’t have to hold everything together anymore. Let go. Fall apart. Be taken care of. Being disciplined isn’t about pain for its own sake. It is about finally having someone who notices, who cares enough to correct, who is invested in who I am and who I’m becoming. Even my darker desires. The ones that still scare me a little, are often just echoes of emotional absences. The fantasies that live in my head aren’t shameful. They’re sacred.

Sometimes kink is a doorway back to pieces of myself I thought were gone forever.

The right to be soft.

The freedom to surrender.

The thrill of being wanted.

The chance to rewrite pain into pleasure.

The chance to reclaim my power that was stolen.

And yes, some of my kinks are tied to trauma. That doesn’t make them wrong. When I explore them consensually, intentionally, they become tools of reclamation. My submission isn’t weakness, it is power. It is poetry. It is healing. Not every fantasy needs to leave my head. Some are safer as sacred whispers in my mind. But even then, they matter. They’re valid. They’re real. If you’ve ever felt like your kink was “too much” or “too dark”, I want you to know, You’re not broken. You’re not shameful. You’re just human. With scars. And needs. And a longing to feel whole.

And if, like me, you find wholeness in kneeling, in serving, in being owned, then you’re not alone. You’re simply listening to the parts of yourself that were never allowed to speak before. And that? That’s not something to hide. That’s something to honor. Just a slave girl who is finally learning to love her longings

“Her shadows are where the magic is. And a Dom who can stand in that darkness with her? That’s the one she’ll follow across oceans of time.” – (I do not recall who said this)

That quote hit me in the gut the first time I read it. It wasn't just beautiful. It was truth, my truth. The kind of truth that doesn't whisper, but roars quietly from deep within, like something ancient that has always existed in the marrow of my bones.

I live in the darker side of things. Always have. I'm not talking about depression or despair, though I've known those intimately too. I mean the shadow self, the part of me that finds fascination in the forbidden, that craves the edge of things. Where desire is tangled with danger, fear, and submission isn't always sweet, but sometimes sharp and savage. That part of me doesn’t ask for understanding. It simply is.

For a long time, I questioned that part of me. I worried about it. Was I broken? Twisted? Did wanting these things mean something was wrong with me?

But here’s what I’ve come to realize, my desires aren’t bad. Who I am is not bad. The fantasies I have, the ones that some would call dark, depraved, or disturbing, are just fantasies, and when shared with a willing, consenting partner who understands the power and poetry behind them, they become something sacred.

I crave what others would call toxic. I say that unapologetically. Give me that Harley Quinn and Joker type of love, the all consuming, mad devotion that dances on the line of obsession and worship. Give me the fantasy where I’m abducted, chained in the basement, lovingly brainwashed into belonging, where I ache for the person who has completely rewritten the language of my body and mind. Let me be the one who is reformed by their hands, bent to their will, molded not because I’m weak, but because I choose to surrender.

Some would say that’s a red flag. But for me, it is the red thread, the one that binds me to a kind of connection I don't find in the light. My monsters wear their humanity like a second skin, and I long to be undone by their sharp edges. Give me Myers. Ghost Face. The seductive brutality of someone who wants to break me not to destroy me, but to rebuild me as theirs.

The demons in my head? They’re not monsters to be exorcised. They’re mine. Sometimes I dwell there, sometimes I need to. It is not dark to me. It is home. And to have someone walk into that space, not afraid, not judging, but understanding? That’s the rarest kind of intimacy I’ve ever known.

To sit quietly beside me in the dark and say, “I see you. I know you. And I’m not leaving,” that’s everything. That’s not fear. That’s love. That’s devotion. And when I find that person, the one who doesn’t flinch at the shadows but embraces them, that’s the person I will follow. Across oceans. Across time. Through fire, madness, and storm.

That kind of loyalty isn’t given easily. It is earned in blood and bond and silence shared in the pitch black. That’s the kind of Dominant who will find me on my knees, not because they demanded it, but because they deserve it.

Not everyone will understand that. And that’s okay. My dynamic isn’t meant for the world’s approval. It is meant for the ones whose soul mirrors mine, who isn’t afraid to lose themselves just a little in order to meet me exactly where I am.

To sit with me in my darkness is to walk closer to death, and trust me to keep you from falling in. That’s the bond I seek. That’s the fire I burn for. And I will burn. Beautifully. Willingly. Endlessly.

And that’s why I say this with absolute certainty, you will never destroy what I have. I am Theirs, completely, totally, unapologetically. There is no force on this earth that can take that from me. No one can steal me away, no one can sever this bond, because They are the ones who sits with me in my shadows. They walk beside me at the edge of the abyss, staring down death and madness with me day after day, and still, They choose to love me. Not in spite of it, but because of it. That kind of connection is unshakable. That kind of love is war forged. And it is mine. It is ours. Unbreakable. Unstolen. Undeniable.

This is the BDSM Scene Consent Form for High-Risk Scenes that I personally use. I rely on it before engaging in any type of edge play, intense impact, medical or breath play, psychological scenes, or anything that carries a significant risk of physical, emotional, or psychological harm. It helps me ensure that all negotiations are clear, that safety and consent are prioritized, and that everyone involved feels respected, informed, and empowered.

PARTICIPANT INFORMATION
Dominant/Top Name:
Submissive/Bottom Name:
Scene Date:
Scene Location:

INFORMED CONSENT DECLARATION
☐ I understand the nature of the high risk activities proposed in this scene.
☐ I am entering into this scene of my own free will and under no coercion.
☐ I affirm that I am mentally and emotionally capable of giving informed consent.
☐ I understand I may revoke my consent at any time, for any reason.

TYPE OF HIGH-RISK PLAY INVOLVED
(Check all that apply)
☐ Breath Play / Erotic Asphyxiation
☐ Knife Play / Cutting
☐ Blood Play / Needles / Medical Play
☐ Fire Play
☐ Electro Play (e.g., Violet Wand, TENS)
☐ Psychological Edge Play (Fear, Degradation, CNC Themes)
☐ Heavy Impact / Whipping
☐ Bondage (Rope/Metal/Enclosure/Immobilization)
☐ Temperature Play (Ice/Wax/Extreme Heat)
☐ Sensory Deprivation
☐ Anal Play or Fisting
☐ Humiliation / Mindfuck / Emotional Play
☐ Other (Specify):

LIMITS AND BOUNDARIES
Hard Limits (Absolutely NO):

Soft Limits (Negotiate with caution):

Triggers or Trauma to Avoid:

Medical Conditions / Allergies / Safety Considerations:

SAFEWORDS & NON VERBAL SIGNALS
Safeword (to stop scene completely):
Slowdown Word (to pause or check in):
Nonverbal Signal (if gagged or unable to speak):
☐ Tap hand 3 times
☐ Drop object
☐ Snap fingers
☐ Other:

AFTERCARE PLAN
Aftercare Needs (physical/emotional):
☐ Water/Snacks
☐ Quiet time
☐ Warm blanket
☐ Cuddles
☐ Verbal reassurance
☐ Debriefing/Processing
☐ Other:

Duration Needed:

Anything to Avoid After Scene:
 

NEGOTIATION NOTES (Scene Outline)
Describe the planned scene in reasonable detail:

Include: agreed intensity, words/phrases to avoid, intentions, power dynamic themes, props used, tools/toys involved, public/private setting, and duration.

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY
Top’s Emergency Contact Name & Number:

Bottom’s Emergency Contact Name & Number:

First Aid Kit Available:
☐ Yes
☐ No

Phone Charged & Nearby:
☐ Yes
☐ No---
SIGNATURES & AGREEMENT
By signing below, we affirm that we have openly discussed this scene, understand all associated risks, and voluntarily consent to engage in it together. We agree to stop or adjust the scene if consent is revoked or safety is compromised.

Dominant/Top Signature: Date:
Submissive/Bottom Signature:
Date:

This document does not replace communication, intuition, or responsibility. We always follow RACK, or PRICK.

I’m beyond excited, tonight, I made a dream come true. I officially launched my submissive support group for S-types. This has been on my heart for so long, and I can’t wait to watch it grow into something truly meaningful, not just for me, but for every S-type who feels called to be part of it.

“What does ‘being good’ mean to you, and where did that definition come from?”

That question caught me off guard. Not because I don’t have an answer, but because I have so many. And because, for me, that question reaches deep into a tangled web of childhood memories, cultural messages, and spiritual confusion.

My earliest ideas of what it meant to be “good” were planted by my parents. Like many of us, I was raised with the understanding that good behavior was not just encouraged, it was expected. Being “good” meant being quiet, obedient, helpful, kind, and above all, not causing trouble. Any deviation from this standard came with disapproval, correction, or even punishment. “Good” was what made me lovable. “Bad” meant I had somehow failed.

Then came church. And not just one tradition, but two. One parent was Catholic. The other, Pentecostal Christian. If you know anything about either tradition, you might already be sensing the whiplash. The quiet, structured reverence of the Catholic Mass clashed with the emotionally charged, often fear based messages of Pentecostal services. In both spaces, though in different ways, I was taught that I was born with sin. That my thoughts could condemn me. That being "good" wasn't just about behavior. It was about purity, obedience to doctrine, and a very specific kind of femininity that left no room for exploration or doubt.

Layered on top of this spiritual confusion was childhood trauma, experiences that broke trust, reshaped my nervous system, and left me questioning if I was ever truly “good” enough to be loved unconditionally. I carried that confusion into adulthood, into my relationships, and into the way I saw myself as a submissive.

In the world of kink, especially as a submissive, the words “good girl” carry powerful meaning. They can be affirming, nurturing, even erotic. For me personally, being called a “good girl” by my Masters is not triggering. In fact, it brings me comfort. I like knowing that they are proud of me, that I’ve pleased them, that I’ve honored my service with care and intention. I try incredibly hard to be obedient and attentive. The praise reinforces the connection we share, it feels earned, not demanded.

But I also understand why those words can be incredibly painful for others. For someone still healing from religious trauma or emotionally abusive dynamics, the binary of “good” and “bad” can feel like a trap. It can bring back memories of shame, fear, or unworthiness. And that’s why, in power exchange relationships or any relationship rooted in deep vulnerability, self awareness is so important.

I don’t believe in a rigid divide between good and bad, or good and evil. I think all of us are capable of both at the same time. Life is far more nuanced than the moral absolutes we were taught as children. What matters more than being “good” by someone else’s standards is being true, to your own values, your integrity, your healing.

One of the ways I protect myself now is by being very intentional with language. I keep a list of words and phrases that are hard limits for me. Not because I want to control every interaction, but because I want to protect the progress I’ve made. Words matter. They carry history. And being proactive about what language feels safe, or not safe, for me is a form of self respect and communication I take seriously.

So when someone asks me, “What does being good mean to you?” my answer is this. Being good used to mean pleasing others at any cost. Now, being good means honoring who I am, being accountable in my relationships, and doing the hard work of healing, without sacrificing my truth just to fit into someone else's definition.

And that? That feels pretty damn good.

There’s something I’ve learned the hard way: emotional death is contagious. Especially when you’re already doing the heavy lifting of maintaining your own relationship. It is a quiet, creeping kind of erosion that starts when you surround yourself with people whose relationships are falling apart, or have already crumbled into dust.

Now, don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about judgment. I’ve got nothing but compassion for those navigating the pain of breakups, divorces, and the emotional wreckage that follows. But I’ve noticed something unsettling over the years. When my inner circle is filled with people constantly mourning their relationships, it becomes dangerously easy for me to start questioning my own.

We’re social creatures. We connect through shared experience, and when someone we care about is hurting, we want to relate, to comfort, to understand. But in doing that, there’s a subtle shift. You start focusing on the cracks in your own dynamic, even the ones that were never really there to begin with. You start mentally matching your relationship up against theirs, Are we doomed too? Are we missing something?

Suddenly, their emotional grief becomes a mirror, and it reflects back doubts you weren’t even harboring until the conversation started. This is why I’ve had to be really honest with myself: it is incredibly difficult for me to maintain close relationships with single people, especially those freshly untethered from commitment, because their energy, their focus, and their emotional bandwidth are just in a completely different place than mine.

The truth is, I have no desire to romanticize what life was like when I was single. That chapter closed for a reason. I don’t want to be tempted to miss it, or worse, imagine I’m missing out on something. And while I will always support my friends in crisis, I’ve had to create boundaries. Because when you’re constantly immersed in other people’s relationship failures, it is hard not to let that seep into your own sacred space.

That’s why I’m HUGE on accountability.

When a friend’s relationship ends, I don’t rush to comfort them by bashing their ex or speculating how unfair it all was. I want to ask real, reflective questions.

What was your part in it?

What didn’t you nurture?

Where did things break down, and what can you learn from that?

Not because I’m cold or unsupportive, but because I genuinely believe growth starts with ownership. If we can shift the conversation to what needs healing within ourselves, it stops being about how awful someone else was, and starts being about how to grow from the pain. That, to me, is empowering.

It also protects my relationship from becoming collateral damage. Because it is dangerously easy to get stuck in a spiral of “what my partner is doing wrong” when you’re constantly around people dissecting the failures of their own relationships. That energy spreads. It sticks to you. It whispers insecurity when you were feeling fine five minutes ago.

Of course, there are non negotiables, abuse in any form, be it physical, emotional, or psychological, is never something anyone should stay for. In those cases, walking away is not just healthy, it is necessary, and I’ll always hold space for a friend in that kind of need.

But the boundary still stands,
You can talk to me about your relationship falling apart, but do not drag my relationship into the mess.My dynamic is mine. My challenges are unique to us. They don’t need to be compared, matched, or measured against someone else’s. It is not a competition, and it never should be.

Emotional contagion is real, and if I’m going to stay grounded, accountable, and present in my relationship, I have to be mindful of the emotional environments I walk into. That’s not selfish, that’s self preservation. And it is one of the greatest acts of love I can give to the people I’m building something real with.

Take a photo of a favorite spot you've been on a date.

(Sadly I cannot upload the image, but I do have it.)

One of the most swoon worthy, heart melting dates my Master Damon ever planned for me? Oh honey, let me tell you. It started with him flashing that mischievous smile and telling me to get in the car, then, boom, blindfold on. I was giggling and blushing already. He drove around forever (or at least it felt like forever), even though I know the lake is literally two minutes away. Classic Damon, always the dramatics.

Eventually, the car stopped, and he helped me out like a total gentleman. Then, ta-da!, the blindfold came off. And oh my stars… literally. The night sky was sparkling, the lake shimmered in the moonlight, and the only sounds were the flutter of bats overhead and the teeny chirps of baby alligators. (Yes, chirping alligators are apparently a thing, and they are adorable.)

Then, as if my heart wasn’t already doing somersaults, he pulled out his speaker, hit play on a playlist he’d made just for us, and wrapped his arms around me. We slow danced under the stars like we were the only two people in the world, just kissing, laughing, talking about everything and nothing for hours.

It was magic. Pure, beautiful, Master Damon style romance. And to this day, it is one of my favorite memories with him, the kind you replay in your head with a goofy smile and a full heart.