"We talk about the mechanism of injury, about where it all started, but the truth is, it’s sort of a myth. We can’t boil every injury down to one single blow. What hurts us is cumulative. It happens over time. We absorb blow after blow, shock after shock, painful hit after hit. But even then, even if we know exactly how we got here, it doesn’t mean we can fix it. We can’t heal every wound, and that’s okay. I have to believe it’s okay. I have to believe that if even something like it cannot be fixed, it doesn’t mean it’s broken!" April Kepner, Grey’s Anatomy, Season 12, Unbreak My Heart
As someone who has experienced the world of BDSM, this quote deeply resonates with me. It speaks to the layered and complex nature of both emotional and physical pain. Which, in many ways, reflects what we go through in this intimate, often misunderstood practice. BDSM is not merely about one act, one blow, or one moment. It is about the accumulation of experiences, trust, vulnerability, and, yes, at times, pain.
There’s a misconception in society that pain and injury have a singular cause. A defining moment that can be pinpointed and resolved. The truth is, especially within the world of BDSM, pain often comes in a much more subtle, layered way. It is not just one whip, one slap, or one harsh word. It is the collection of experiences, the intensity of the connections, and the slow build up over time that shapes us, for better or for worse. Every bruise, every mark, and every bit of emotional vulnerability is a piece of the bigger picture, part of a dance between pleasure and pain, submission and Dominance, healing and harm.
Yet, as April Kepner so poignantly states, there is no single wound to heal. Often, the things that hurt us in the deepest ways have been building for years, long before we ever find the courage to explore the world of BDSM. We carry these emotional injuries, perhaps from past relationships, from societal judgment, from personal trauma, and sometimes we try to work through them during our experiences within the BDSM community. In a way, BDSM allows us to confront and explore these wounds in a controlled, consensual environment, but it doesn’t promise that we can fix them.
What I’ve learned through my own journey is that healing is not always about eliminating the scars or erasing the hurt. In BDSM, just as in life, we don’t always have the power to undo the damage that has been done. And that’s okay. The process of healing in this space isn’t necessarily about complete restoration. It is about embracing the scars and the imperfections, recognizing that they are part of what makes us whole, part of the journey of self discovery and growth.
I’ve had moments where I’ve felt like I was unfixable, where I thought that the weight of past experiences was too much to bear. But through BDSM, I’ve come to understand that being broken isn’t the end of the story. It doesn’t mean I am any less worthy of connection, love, and trust. The wounds I carry, emotional and physical, are just another layer of the experience, just another step in the ongoing dance between pain and pleasure, Dominance and submission.
What BDSM has given me, more than anything, is the belief that I don’t need to be fixed to be whole. I don’t need to heal every scar, or erase every mark. Instead, I can embrace those parts of myself. Both the pain and the pleasure, because they make me who I am. The beauty of BDSM, for me, lies in its ability to create space for the cumulative nature of pain and healing. There is no expectation for perfection, no pressure to fix what’s been broken. It is about embracing the journey, trusting in the process, and accepting that we are not defined by our wounds, but by how we continue to grow despite them.
Ultimately, my relationship with BDSM has shown me that healing isn’t about erasing the past, but about finding peace with it. It is not about fixing the things that can’t be fixed, but about learning to move forward with the scars we carry. It is okay if we don’t heal everything. It is okay to embrace our imperfections, because, in the end, they are what make us uniquely whole.
In this space, I’ve learned that even when something cannot be fully healed or fixed, it doesn’t mean it is broken. It is simply part of the journey we’re all on. And that, in itself, is more than enough.