How It Triggers My Spiral
There’s something about perfectionism that feels so deeply ingrained in my soul, like it was built into me from the very beginning. If I look back, I realize that my foundation was set on a kind of conditional love. Where love, approval, and acceptance only came when I performed well, when I was "perfect." This, however, has created an internal conflict I struggle with every day.
It is not easy to admit, but I know it is true. If you were raised with perfectionism and conditional love, you end up viewing the world through a very narrow lens. Success, achievement, and being "good enough" become the driving forces of your life, and the moment you fail, even in the smallest way, you're thrown into a whirlwind of self doubt, guilt, and shame. It is like you start to believe, deep down, that love and acceptance are only earned through flawless performance. So when you don’t meet your own standards (or worse, the standards others set for you), it feels like you’ve lost it all.
That brings me to a very painful realization: don’t build a performance-based protocol around me. Please. It triggers a spiral I can’t escape from. When my worth becomes tied to performance, whether it is at work, in relationships, or even just in the little tasks I take on. I’m bound to fail. And when I fail, I don’t just feel disappointed or frustrated. I feel unloved. I feel unwanted. I feel like I’m not good enough to deserve anything good in my life, and those feelings crush me.
In these moments, when things don’t go as planned, I can hear the echo of my past. The voices that conditioned me to believe that failure was not just a setback but a personal flaw. It is a constant, nagging whisper that says, “You should have done better. You should be better.”
And the thing is, this way of thinking doesn’t just affect my emotions in a fleeting moment. It spirals. It causes me to question everything: my value, my worth, and my place in the world. I start to doubt my abilities and my very identity. I question the love I receive and whether it is genuine or just contingent on how well I perform. It is exhausting.
But the worst part is that I can't seem to break free from this cycle. It is so deeply ingrained in me that, even when I recognize it, it is hard to silence the inner critic. It is as if every failure, no matter how small, reinforces that sense of inadequacy. So, when you create a performance based dynamic around me, it makes me feel even more trapped in this cycle of self loathing and fear of rejection.
It is incredibly difficult to express how damaging this is because, from the outside, it may seem like nothing more than "wanting to succeed" or "having high standards." But for someone who has been conditioned to tie their worth to outcomes, it is a constant battle. It is a pressure I can't escape, and it feels like a weight I’m carrying all the time.
I need to acknowledge, though, that I can't blame others entirely for this. In some ways, it is something I've internalized. Something I’ve learned to believe as truth. And while I don’t have all the answers, I do know this: I deserve love and acceptance not because of how well I perform but simply because I exist. I deserve to be treated with kindness, especially when I fail, because failure is part of being human. If love and support are only offered in response to my achievements, I’ll never feel truly safe or seen.
So, if you see me struggling, please understand that it is not about "just trying harder" or "being better." It is not about meeting a standard. It is about feeling valued for who I am, not for what I can do. I need to unlearn this perfectionist mindset, but it is hard to do that when the world around me reinforces it.
All I ask is for a little grace, a little room to grow without the pressure of always being perfect. To not be reminded of my failures, but to be shown compassion and understanding when I fall short. Because in the end, I know that my worth isn’t defined by my successes or failures. And if I’m lucky, maybe one day I’ll truly believe that.
Until then, I’ll be working on loving myself, even when I don’t get everything right. And I’ll be learning to embrace the messy, imperfect parts of me that make me who I am.