What Prompted The Need To Write This:
I had a conversation with someone on this website who mentioned he had two women in a probationary period of being committed to him as his submissives. One of them turned out to be a married woman who lives across the street from him. We discussed how he felt about her cheating on her husband, which, for me, is completely unacceptable. He then revealed that the woman doesn’t even know she's in a probationary period with him. He's doing it without her consent or knowledge. I told him that was neither consensual nor okay, and after that, he stopped talking to me, which I’m honestly relieved about. It is deeply unsettling to know that people like this exist.
In any relationship, consent is paramount. But in certain communities, such as those that explore power dynamics, consent becomes even more crucial. Whether we're talking about Dominance and submission or any other form of negotiated power exchange, the guiding principle must always be mutual agreement. And yet, some individuals undermine this principle by manipulating and coercing others into submission without their knowledge or consent. This behavior isn't just unethical, it is predatory.
One of the most insidious things you can do in the context of a D/s relationship is to try to create an illusion of consensual submission without actually getting explicit permission. This isn’t just about crossing boundaries, it is about actively ignoring them. The idea of telling someone they are on a "probationary period" to becoming your submissive while they have no idea what’s happening, or they haven't been given the choice to opt in, is a form of manipulation that can cause real harm.
What Does “Probationary Period” Really Mean?
When someone says that another person is on a "probationary period" to become their submissive, it implies a process of evaluation. One that may or may not result in an eventual commitment. However, if the person being “evaluated” isn’t aware of the process or hasn't agreed to participate in the first place, then there’s nothing consensual about it. This "probationary period" becomes a guise for manipulation, where the person is unknowingly groomed into a position of submission.
Grooming is a concept we often associate with predatory behavior. Especially in contexts where one person attempts to manipulate another into a position of subjugation or compliance. In the world of BDSM or power dynamics, grooming takes on a particularly dangerous form when it is done without the knowledge or consent of the person being groomed. It is not about building trust or negotiating a dynamic. It is about exerting control without transparency.
Why Is This Behavior Harmful?
The harm in non consensual grooming lies in the violation of trust. Consent isn't just about saying "yes" or "no" in the moment. It is about creating a safe space for open communication, setting clear boundaries, and respecting each other's autonomy. Manipulating someone into a submissive position without their knowledge or consent exploits power imbalances in a way that leads to emotional and psychological damage. It forces someone into a situation where they may feel powerless to assert their boundaries, or worse, they might believe they have no agency in the relationship.
This behavior actively undermines the principles that the BDSM community holds dear principles of safe, sane, and consensual interaction. Consent is about choice, not about tricking or pressuring someone into something they didn’t actively agree to. If someone is being groomed without their awareness, they’re not engaging in a consensual dynamic. They are being controlled and manipulated. This crosses the line from a negotiated power exchange to outright predation.
The Role of Consent in Power Dynamics
Dominance and submission, at their core, are about trust and mutual respect. When a submissive willingly chooses to surrender power to a Dominant, it should be done with clear, informed consent. This means both parties are aware of the boundaries, expectations, and limits involved. Consent should be a conscious, informed choice made by both individuals, free from pressure or manipulation.
But when you try to get someone to submit to you under false pretenses without them understanding that submission is even on the table, or without their clear consent. You’re no longer engaging in a consensual power dynamic. You’re being predatory, attempting to manipulate someone’s autonomy for your own selfish gain.
Why This Isn’t Welcome in the Community
The BDSM community is built on the foundation of mutual consent. People in this space are supposed to respect each other’s boundaries and make sure that any interactions are safe and consensual. So, if you’re trying to manipulate someone into a submissive role under false pretenses, you’re not just engaging in unethical behavior, you’re betraying the very values of the community.
The act of secretly grooming someone into submission without their consent isn’t just distasteful. It is dangerous. It is a violation of trust that can leave lasting scars. People who engage in this kind of behavior are not only unwelcome in the community. They are a threat to the safety and well being of others. Anyone who engages in these manipulative tactics should be held accountable, and the community must stand firm in its commitment to ensuring that all interactions are based on transparency, communication, and respect.
Consent should never be ambiguous or something that’s assumed. It should always be clear, informed, and freely given. When it is not, when you’re secretly trying to manipulate someone into submission or “groom” them into a role they haven't agreed to, you’re not participating in a healthy, consensual dynamic. You’re crossing a line into predatory behavior, and that is never acceptable.
If you're someone who truly values the principles of D/s relationships. It is crucial to remember that power dynamics are built on the foundation of trust and mutual respect. Anything less is exploitation. The BDSM community thrives on consent, and those who fail to respect that fundamental rule are not just unwelcome. They are a danger to the safety of everyone involved. It is time we all stand together and make sure that consent is always the starting point of every interaction, and never something to be taken for granted.