I’ve been thinking a lot about inclusivity lately. Specifically, about something that feels a little off in some BDSM spaces. When people claim to be welcoming but don’t actually follow through in meaningful ways. It’s about acceptance, not just in words but in actions.
BDSM, is about acceptance. It is about understanding that people’s desires, interests, beliefs, and identities can be different from your own, and that’s not just okay, it is celebrated. It is a community where judgment shouldn’t exist, where people can explore and express themselves freely without fear of rejection or ridicule. But here's the thing. Simply saying “we're welcoming” or “we're inclusive” doesn’t automatically create an environment where everyone feels safe and accepted. Words alone aren't enough. It has to be active welcoming.
What Does “Active Welcoming” Actually Mean?
When I say “active welcoming,” I mean that it is not just about saying the right things, but also about taking tangible actions that show you truly mean it. It is the little things, the details that matter. For example, it is making sure that all forms of diversity, whether it is related to gender, race, sexuality, background, beliefs or experience level, are genuinely represented, respected, and treated with kindness. It means being willing to step outside of your comfort zone and challenge biases, whether they’re your own or someone else’s.
Active welcoming is about making people feel like they belong, not just that they’re allowed to be there. It is about fostering an environment where consent isn’t just a buzzword, but something that’s taken seriously in every interaction. It is about acknowledging that everyone has their own unique journey in BDSM, and that those differences should be honored, not dismissed.
The Problem with “Bias Inclusivity”
Here's where it gets tricky. Some spaces and communities claim to be “inclusive,” but what they really mean is “bias inclusivity.” What does that mean? Well, it means that while they might be welcoming of some differences, there are limits to that acceptance. Maybe certain kinks are seen as “too much,” or certain identities are dismissed because they’re not “mainstream” or “palatable.” This is the kind of “inclusivity” that feels hollow. It is like saying you’re okay with people who are a little different, but only if they fit into your narrow understanding of what “different” should look like.
If you’re going to say you’re welcoming, then you’ve got to mean it for everyone. That includes the people who might be perceived as “outliers” within the community, the ones with kinks or preferences that aren’t as commonly understood or accepted. That means including those with different levels of experience, different lifestyles, and different identities. It means being open minded enough to listen, learn, and evolve, because true inclusivity isn't about setting arbitrary limits on what’s acceptable.
Why Inclusivity Is So Important in BDSM
BDSM isn’t just about physical acts; it is about trust. It is about a connection between people who are willing to share a vulnerable part of themselves with others. If we’re not being truly inclusive, we’re denying people the opportunity to connect on a deeper level. It is not just toxic, it is dangerous.
When a space claims to be welcoming, but doesn’t make the effort to ensure it is genuinely safe and inclusive for all, it creates an environment where people feel like they have to hide parts of themselves. And that’s the opposite of what BDSM is about. It is about freedom, consent, and the acceptance that everyone’s journey is different. In an inclusive space, you should be able to be exactly who you are, without feeling like you have to conform to a certain standard or face judgment.
Practical Steps to Being Actively Welcoming
So, what can we do to create spaces that are truly welcoming and inclusive? Here are a few ideas that can help us all move in the right direction:
Check Your Biases: We all have them. It is important to recognize that they exist and be willing to confront them. The first step is acknowledging that we’re all capable of bias, no matter how open minded we think we are.
Diversify Representation: If your event or space is filled with the same type of people, then it is not truly inclusive. Make an effort to bring in people from all walks of life. Different genders, ethnicities, sexual orientations, body types, beliefs, and experience levels.
Create Clear Guidelines: Establishing a code of conduct that emphasizes consent, respect, and active listening can go a long way in making people feel welcome. Make sure that everyone knows that their identity, desires, and limits will be respected.
Educate and Share Knowledge: Inclusivity isn’t just about being nice; it is about learning. Offer resources, workshops, and open discussions about different kinks, identities, and needs. This helps to foster an environment of empathy and understanding.
Take Action When Necessary: If someone is violating consent, or causing harm, call it out. It is not enough to just say you’re inclusive, you have to hold people accountable when their actions go against that.
BDSM is meant to be a space where people can be themselves without judgment. That’s the essence of what makes it so powerful. But if we’re not actively welcoming everyone, we’re failing to live up to the core values of the community. It is about more than words. It is about actions that demonstrate our commitment to inclusivity and respect for all people, regardless of where they’re at in their BDSM journey.
So, if you’re running a house, hosting an event, or involved in any BDSM community, ask yourself: Are you truly welcoming? Or are you just saying you are? Let us make sure we mean it. Because at the end of the day, we’re all here to support each other and create safe spaces for self expression. Without judgment, without limits, and with a whole lot of understanding.