Why Language Matters
Recently, there was a kink education class held via Zoom. Overall, it was a good experience, but there was something said that left me feeling unsettled, and honestly, a bit concerned. During the class, the presenters stated things like, "We cannot leave our dynamic," and "We cannot use safewords."
Let me be very clear: this is damaging language for any kink educator to use.
The truth is, you can use safewords. You can leave a dynamic. Contracts in kink are not legally binding. They are not enforceable in a court of law. They are agreements made between consenting adults, based on trust and communication, not chains and cages you are forever locked into.
When educators say things like "you can't" use safewords or "you can't" leave a relationship, they are not just misspeaking. They are misinforming newcomers in the lifestyle in a way that can have very real, very dangerous consequences. What is actually happening is they are choosing not to use safewords. They are choosing to enter dynamics with those particular agreements. And that is an important distinction.
Personally? I would never agree to a dynamic, relationship, play scene, or contract that did not allow for safewords and regular check ins. To me, that is not safe period. Even when designing scenes that involve non verbal play (like gags or immobilization), non verbal safewords are paramount to me. Safety is not optional. Consent is not a one time event. However, agreeing to not use safewords is perfectly okay for someone else.
Here’s something else to think about. If you try to leave a Dominant and they physically stop you. If they lock you in a room or otherwise prevent your freedom, they are committing crimes. Assault. Kidnapping. Unlawful restraint. These are serious charges, and they are fully prosecutable. The idea that "because we signed a contract" or "because we have a dynamic" would somehow protect them is absolutely false.
As kink educators, and honestly, as decent human beings, it is our duty to use accurate language when teaching others. We should never say, "You can't." Instead, we should be teaching,
"You chose this dynamic."
"You can agree to these terms."
"You may consent to these conditions."
Why is that so important? Because it reinforces the fact that people have choices. That they are in control of their bodies, their relationships, their consent, and their lives. It reminds people that when they design a dynamic, they have the power to make it into something that truly works for them, not something they are trapped inside of.
As my mentor, Sir Seven, always says,
"There is no wrong or right way to BDSM, as long as it is consensual between two legal adults."
I hold those words close to my heart. Because at the end of the day, our lifestyle is about choice, trust, and consent. Not control without limits. Not fear. Not misinformation.
If you are new to kink or BDSM and reading this, please remember, You are never stuck. You always have the right to say "stop." You always have the right to leave. And you deserve to design the kind of dynamic that fulfills and empowers you, safely and consensually.