I entered this lifestyle 23 years ago, and whew, I was extremely naïve. Painfully literal. I stepped into the Gorean side of things first, and honestly? I learned almost everything wrong in the beginning. I had no support system, no informed consent, and absolutely no education. I hadn’t done my research, didn’t know the language, and didn’t even know what questions to ask. I was 19, far too trusting, and very much “young and dumb” in the way only experience can fix.
I was told I was never allowed to say no. That as a slave, I was not allowed to have any limits. Whatever a Master said went, whether I was okay with it or not. Safewords? Didn’t even know what those were. Unsurprisingly, that dynamic ended fast.
Because while I choose to be a slave, I also choose self respect, and autonomy. I can submit, surrender, and serve while still having boundaries, limits, and deal breakers. Those things are not opposites, they coexist beautifully.
Zero Limits? Yeah… No.
Over the years, I’ve met a lot of people who are new to the lifestyle, or who simply refuse to do the bare minimum of educating themselves. In my experience, they usually fall into two camps.
• They think they already know everything
• Or they’re just too lazy to care
Most people I’ve met who loudly proclaim they have zero limits are submissive types, but I’ve also run into Dominants who try to bark orders and announce they “don’t allow limits, contracts or safewords.” My response is always the same, I briefly educate them, and then tell them to fuck off. Just in kinder words.
I have zero interest in unsafe behavior!
Here’s the hard truth,
Claiming to have no limits doesn’t make you edgy, fun, attractive or evolved. What it does do is put a giant neon sign over your head that says “Predators Welcome.”
People who think that way are far more likely to be harmed, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and often not in consensual ways at all. Worse? It also signals that you are not a safe person to be in a dynamic with. I don’t want to be friends with people who won’t take the small amount of time it takes to look inward and identify even their most basic boundaries.
Where Things Changed for Me
Everything shifted when I met my Mentor and his lovely girl. For the first time, I felt validated. For the first time, I had a voice. They gave me a starting point and taught me something incredibly important, There are non negotiable, set in stone boundaries that should apply to everyone.
If someone, or something, cannot give consent, it is a hard limit. Period.
• Children
• Animals
• The deceased
None of them can consent. Anything involving them is a hard NO. My morality aligns with this completely. The same goes for anything that causes real harm to others (not consensual kink) or involves criminal behavior. Also a hard no.
“But I Don’t Have Limits!”
We all tease people who say that. I’m guilty of it. You probably are too, or will be eventually. It happens. When people complain that we’re “taking it to extremes,” I do that on purpose. Extremes make the point clear. Because guess what? Those same people always have limits.
Can we cut off a body part? No.
Rob a bank? No.
Give up your children for full time service? No.
Hand over every paycheck forever? No.
Okay, let’s go less extreme, I guess. Extreme is subjective, so keep that in mind.
Dark, extreme bruising?
Financial control with a stranger?
Scarification?
Branding?
Forced body modification, piercings or tattoos?
Shaving your head? (It’s just hair, right?)
Changing your religion?
Who to vote for?
Limits exist. **Every single time. **And here’s the most important part, Your hard limits are yours. They require no explanation.
A no is a complete sentence!
Anyone trying to negotiate a hard limit is not someone you should be playing with, because they don’t respect boundaries.
Saying you have no limits does not attract the right people. I don’t care how convinced you are otherwise. If I flipped the script and became a Dominant tomorrow, a submissive claiming zero boundaries would be an immediate hard pass.
Self awareness is attractive.
Healthy boundaries are attractive.
Autonomy and agency are attractive, no matter your role.
The only people genuinely interested in you having no limits are the dangerous ones we don’t want in this community.
Limits Can Evolve, and That’s Great!
Now, let me be very clear, it is okay to revisit limits. You can say, “This has always been a hard limit for me, but I want to try it.” It must be your idea, your choice, and free from coercion. I’ve done this myself. Bastinado was a hard limit for me due to health reasons. One day, I decided I wanted to try it. We did, and learned I can do it on one foot only. Knowledge gained. Limits respected. That’s how it should work.
Why Limits Matter (Beyond Safety)
Limits aren’t just about physical safety. They show that you understand,
Your mental state
Your emotional health
Your triggers
Your body’s physical limitations
It is okay to say, “I usually love this kink, but today my body is operating at a level four, and I just don’t have the capacity.”
That kind of awareness makes you safe, mature, and deeply valuable in this lifestyle. Please, take the time to learn yourself, so others can learn and love you better. Be aware of the risks. Mistakes will happen. That’s life. But you can minimize harm by educating yourself and honoring your boundaries.
It took me eight years in this lifestyle to fully understand that I was allowed to do all of this. Having limits does not make you weak. It does not make you a coward. It does not make you any less of an incredible Dominant or submissive.
If anything, it makes you stronger.