I get asked fairly often how I handle being in a poly dynamic with two Masters, while they also have another slave, and I serve not only them but the house and its members as well. The truth is that it isn’t easy.
I do have moments where I feel hurt, or a little abandoned. There are times I struggle with feeling like I’m not enough, or that I fall short in some way. And yes, jealousy still finds its way in from time to time.
But I try to meet those feelings with honesty and humility, rather than letting them control me. So I wanted to take a moment to share a little bit about my experience. I may have spoken on this before, but I felt it was time to gently revisit it again.
I never expected that my path would lead me from a fully monogamous mindset into the world of polyamory. If I’m honest, when I first stepped into it, I was not prepared for what it would stir inside of me. I carried so much, anger that I didn’t fully understand, jealousy that felt sharp and consuming, and a deep, quiet sense of unworthiness that whispered I was somehow “less than.”
I struggled more than I ever let on. I wanted to be good. I wanted to be open. I wanted to be the kind of slave who could accept, trust, and grow, but instead, I found myself spiraling in emotions that made me feel small and ashamed.
A few years ago, I started researching polyamory more seriously. I was trying to find something, anything, that would help me make sense of what I was feeling. And I did find something. Something simple, but it changed everything for me.
We’re often told, “your feelings are always valid.” And yes, feelings exist, and they deserve to be acknowledged. But what I learned, and what truly helped me more than anything else, was this.
Not every feeling means something is actually wrong. Not every feeling is rooted in something that is truly affecting me.
The only feelings that I’ve learned to treat as actionable, as something that requires a response or a conversation, are the ones tied to something that directly affects me.
For example
If a new movie comes out that I really want to see, and I find out one of my partners went to see it with their meta, that doesn’t actually affect me. I can still go see that same movie with them. Nothing has been taken from me. Nothing has changed in what was available to me.
But, if my partner had told me, “I’m going to see this movie with you,” and then chose to take someone else instead, that does affect me. That touches on my time, my expectations, and the connection that was directly offered to me. That is where hurt has a foundation.
Learning to separate those two things, it quieted so much of the chaos inside me.
Now, when I feel that familiar sting, jealousy, sadness, that creeping voice of “you’re not enough”, I pause. I soften. And I ask myself,
Does this actually, directly affect me?
If not, why am I feeling this way?
Did I have an expectation that I never voiced?
Am I seeking reassurance, but not asking for it?
Sometimes the answer is uncomfortable. Sometimes it reveals insecurity, fear, or a longing I didn’t want to admit. But sitting with those truths has helped me grow in a way that reacting never did.
There are still moments where I falter. I am not perfect. I still feel small sometimes. I still have days where my emotions rise faster than I can steady them. But nine times out of ten, I can walk myself back down. I can return to a place of calm, of trust, of understanding my role and my place without letting fear distort it.
Being in a poly dynamic with my Masters and Tova has stretched me in ways I never imagined. It has required surrender, not just in the way I serve, but in the way I face myself. It has asked me to be honest, to be accountable, and to grow beyond the comfort of possessiveness into something deeper, something rooted in trust.
If you’re struggling the way I did, please know you’re not alone. And maybe try asking yourself those questions. Sit with your feelings, but also gently challenge them. Not everything that hurts is harm. Sometimes, it is just a part of us asking to be understood.