"When negotiating a scene or even talking with others about a potential scene, remember your disability doesn't make you broken, it just means you have to take extra steps for your scenes to happen and that's ok. There is nothing wrong with that happening as it protects everyone and gives a better scene to happen" - @PBKane
I was at the HouseofKane's Disabilities and Kink discussion today. It was a new one I hadnt been to before and I did not know everyone. Though I did learn a few things. Enough to improve more of my own dynamic and scene play with my masters.
I learned far too late that even in my 24/7 dynamic when it comes to S&M play, impact play, etc. That you still need to negotiate your scene, and aftercare. it is incredibly important that you indicate exactly how you are feeling emotionally, mentally, and physically. So that the scene can be tailored around all of these things. Not just for the submissive but the dominant as well.
My masters and I have come to the understanding that negotiations help ease us in and out of the scene Instead of how we used to do it, where it was just do whatever you want if I need to call a safeword I will. Now I understand some people prefer it this way, but I can tell you for us, the experience has enhanced when we use neegotiation first.
How We Negotiate
Negotiate the kind of scene we will be having.
Talk about Emotional, Mental, Physical ailments for the day.
Talk about the risks that might come out of the scene. Emotional Risks - Share concerns and past experiences that might come up during the scene.
Negotiate toys that will be used. (Once scene starts nothing new will ever be added).
Explain expectations of the scene and what you are hoping to get out of it.
Physical Safety Measures, IE safety sheers, water, first aid kit, etc.
Negotiate Safe words and Non verbal signals.
Negotiate if any sex will be happening during or after the scene.
Negotiate Aftercare
When I say negotiate it is for both sides of the slash. Dominants are entitled to aftercare as well. No matter how it looks or what it might be. People also need to remember that aftercare is YOUR responsibility. Not the responsibility of the person playing with you. It is your duty to ensure you get aftercare the way you need it. If the person you are playing with cannot provide said aftercare then it is your duty to make sure you have someone that can provide it, if you need aftercare with another person.
So one of my reasons for writing this was one to help people out who are new. This is how my masters and I do things, it is certainly not the ONLY way to do things. However the quote I posted at the top was seriously endearing to me. Being blind and disabled I always feel like a burden and completely broken. Despite the constant reassurance from my masters telling me I am not any of those things. It is just nice to have another person in the world out there say it just as much as my masters do.
I am sure plenty of people who suffer a physical/mental disability out there feel the same way. That we are deformed, defected, a burden, broken people. When really we aren't. Like he said, we just need to take an extra step to get where we need to be going.
So I greatly appreciate all the people out there who are hosting these disabled and kinky events and classes to help the disabled kink community who lack a place of belonging. It also brings awareness to those who lack the knowledge on how to make their kink spaces more disability friendly so it can be inclusive to all types of people.
As a reminder if you know someone in kink or hell not even in kink that is disabled and you want to include them in events, or something you are hosting. Please just ask them. Ask them the best ways you can go about making the area more safe and friendly for them to get around and to do things. I promise you they will appreciate it so much.