I grew up in complete chaos. My house was so loud and obnoxious. You had to over talk people, cut them off to say anything, and the music or television was turned up louder and louder to drown out the people talking. On top of that there was a house of nothing but anger.
So at the age of 20 I moved away from my family and to Seattle I went. I moved in with my boyfriend at the time and I spent a good five years with him and his family. It was like moving to an alien planet. His family were very quiet people. It was the first time I ever spent the majority of my time not talking above a whisper. There were days I did not even talk at all.
I learned the appreciation for silence.
Honestly I learned the first steps here to communicate without having to cut people off. I tried my best to practice that but it was still too soon for me to break free from my habits. What I learned the most was I did not want to live in total chaos anymore in my life. I found the first parts of foundation to the kind of life I want to live.
Now that I am back with part of my family taking care of them with my masters I have been thrown back into the chaos. It is loud here on most days and on the days it isnt I feel stressed out from the triggers of my childhood. The house we live in here is open concept so when I see everyone in the kitchen just talking normal it throws me into a panic. It makes me angry that they do this and honestly it shouldnt.
Being back here makes me miss Seattle so badly. Though my masters are amazing. When my parents are having bad days. Bipolar/Dementia days they just have me put on my headphones and tell me tune it all out with a movie or music while they deal with it and get the house back in order. I appreciate them for protecting my peace. It does definitely show me they care so much about me.
I do not thrive in chaos and stressful situations. So I am learning that speaking softer will help me to not only sound more submissive but it will help tone down conversations around me to help lower the noise and chaos.
It makes me so eager to finally move with my masters to PA, and get set up in our new home. Silence is and always will be a peaceful virtue. It will always be something I cherish. So I am glad to spend today in speaking softer. To lower the chaos of the season. To chase away my chaotic thoughts and bring back my inner peace.