Yesterday was so fucking horrible. I am still angry over it but at least I can feel better and I do not feel numb, lost, or internally not okay anymore. I have my Masters to thank for that. I have never appreciated them as much as I do right now.
My Master Damon is a fixer type of person. He sees me in pain, stress, sadness, etc. He just wants to hover until he has fixed the situation for me so i can go back to being his happy little duchess. Sadly things do not work that way and honestly when I am in a situation like I was in yesterday that is when I just need him to give me space and allow me to feel and exist.
Damon did that for me yesterday. He knew I needed him to just back off a bit and give me that space. He went and dealt with this situation by playing a video game, writing, and just being in his office. He allowed me to listen to my screamo music, internally rage and just try to work on what I was going through the way I needed to work on it. He respected me enough to do that for me and I love him so much more for it.
My Master Calvin understood that from him what I needed was his beast inside of him. I needed to feel pain. I needed to feel completely helpless. I needed to endure the situation at hand for what it was. Completely out of my control. He understood that I truly needed that. He wrestled me. He allowed me to prod at him. He did not give in. He gave me the pain I needed in that moment and then held me at the end as my body finally allowed me to relax and cry my eyes out.
It was so hard because I never know in these moments what I need to get through the situation. I never know in those moments how to communicate these needs. Sometimes the words do not form, cannot come out and internally I am screaming for help. The fact both of my Masters knew. They understood me in this moment a lot more than I could have ever asked them for.
People wonder why I am so loyal to them. Why I love them so much. Why I refuse to leave them for a new relationship, a new dynamic. They do not understand that these two men in my life know me. They know me better than I know myself sometimes. They accept me for who I am as a person. They are there for me and have been there for me through some of the hardest things in my life.
I am loyal because they make me a better person. Not only that they make me WANT to be a better person. They guide me in my submission. They tell me NO and hold firm in it. They accept my kinks and fetishes and allow me the chance to please and serve them. We are sympatico. Especially when they can look at me and just know what I need in the moments I cannot voice it.
My Masters are amazing. They continue everyday to give me a new reason to fall in love with them all over again. To find new appreciation for who they are as people and as my dominants. It is not a joke when I say they truly own me, heart, body, mind, and soul.
To both of my Masters, Damon-Koch and Calvin-Koch I love and appreciate you both so much. Thank you so much for being in my life. Hi Forever!!!