Under The Whip

Today, while I was playing a video game with a dear friend of mine, our conversation drifted into something heavier. She was sharing about a few men who had been messaging her, hoping to get to know her, maybe find something deeper, possibly even a dynamic. One of those conversations took a turn that made my stomach drop.

This man admitted that his last submissive ghosted him. As he explained further, he casually mentioned that she had been married and that her husband had no idea she was involved in a power exchange.

Honestly? That alone told me everything I needed to know about why he was likely ghosted.

But my friend didn’t stop there. She asked if he knew the woman was married at the time. He said yes. She then asked why he was okay engaging with her, knowing she was lying to her partner. His response was that it wasn’t his responsibility as a man to make sure a husband wasn’t being cheated on.

And just… ew.

That response made my skin crawl. What bothers me most isn’t just that this behavior exists, it is that it is often brushed off, excused, or even normalized in kink spaces. I know there are people who claim that cheating is their kink. I will die on this hill when I say this clearly and loudly, cheating on your partner is not a kink. It never has been and never will be. Violating someone’s Consent is not erotic. It is not edgy. It is not part of ethical non-monogamy.

It is harm.

I cannot be around people who lack integrity, honor, and honesty. I cannot build friendships, let alone dynamics or play, with people who are unwilling to live authentically and ethically. Cheating is not a neutral act. It causes long term damage, trust issues, self worth wounds, lingering doubt, and pretending otherwise is willful ignorance.

And here’s the part that disturbs me even more, anyone who knowingly accepts a partner who is already lying to someone else is showing me exactly how unsafe they are. If you are willing to participate in deception, you are not trustworthy. Full stop. If you will betray someone who shares a life with you, you will betray me too. I am not interested in relationships, friendships or power exchanges built on rot.

These are my values. These are my boundaries. You are free to live however you choose, but live it far away from me. If you choose to cheat, to deceive, to cause harm and call it kink, you have already disqualified yourself from my circle, my trust, and my respect.

Dominance, Submission, power exchange, and kink demand more integrity, not less. They demand accountability, consent, and honor. Anything else is cowardice dressed up.

And I will never kneel at the feet of dishonor.

I’m slowly learning that finding grace in a 24/7 TPE dynamic isn’t about forcing myself to “like” not getting my way. It is about learning how to yield without breaking myself, over and over again.

For me, surrender isn’t a single decision, it is a daily, moment by moment choice. And honestly? My emotions don’t quietly bow just because I say the words “Yes, my Master.” Grace comes from practice, softness, and honesty, not punishment or perfection.

These are the ways I’ve been learning to hold that grace,

I remind myself that surrender is a choice I give daily. I didn’t suddenly become someone who never wants control again.

I simply choose to yield, again and again, especially in the moments where my wants rub against His word. That’s where the heart of the dynamic actually lives.
I separate desire from obedience. I can want something deeply. I can feel disappointed or even stung. But obedience is not the absence of feelings, it is choosing the dynamic over those feelings. Grace sounds like:

“I feel this, and still, I choose my place.”

I let myself feel the unfairness quietly. Because TPE isn’t always fair and it isn’t meant to be. But what I agreed to wasn’t born from fairness, it was born from integrity. I let the emotion rise, breathe through it, and avoid letting it spill out as disrespect. Grace is the space between the feeling and the reaction.

I also fail at this part, a lot.

“Not getting what I want” does not mean “not being cared for.”** This one trips me up the most. I’m used to interpreting disappointment as rejection. But His choices aren’t a reflection of my value. He’s human, sometimes tired, overwhelmed, imperfect. Grace is choosing to trust His intention even when I struggle with His execution.
I use rituals of surrender.** A gesture helps so much, kneeling, hands behind me, head bowed.

My body remembers what my mind forgets, “I choose obedience, even when it stings.”
I accept that submission will sometimes feel scary, frustrating, or unfair.** Struggling doesn’t mean I’m failing as a slave. It means I’m growing into my submission. Grace is pausing instead of exploding. Breathing instead of lashing out. Speaking gently instead of reacting impulsively.

I stay honest, not silent.** Grace isn’t swallowing everything. It is expressing my needs from a submissive heart, not a wounded ego. “I’m struggling.” “I need guidance.”
“I feel overwhelmed.” These sentences are still submissive.
My dignity shows in how I handle the moments that don’t go my way.** Anyone can be soft when everything feels perfect. Real submission shows when the feelings get hard and I choose devotion anyway.

The Practical Side, Needs, Agreements, and Structure

All of this is so much harder if you haven’t actually sat down with your Dominant and talked about your needs. Needs are not negotiable. If He can’t meet them, He might not be the right Dominant for you. Just like you must meet His non negotiable needs. Wants can be refused. But needs cannot, ignoring needs only builds resentment. A huge part of our smoothness came from sitting down and defining our Areas of Control.

Here are the categories my Masters and I use

Relationships
Adding friends online
Permission to speak with Dominants
Ending relationships (platonic, online, romantic, etc.)
Boundaries with friends and family

Food
What I’m permitted to eat
Asking for permission to eat

Medical
Scheduling appointments
Discussing major medical decisions

Speech
What language is permitted
Asking instead of telling

Diet & Weight
Diet based on medical needs
Calorie or carb limits
Monitoring sweets or hydration
Limiting caffeine, soda, alcohol

Exercise
Daily exercise routine
Weight goals
Doctor approval for extreme workouts

Sexual
Following limits
Orgasm control
Sexual partners
Chastity
Toys and devices
CNC scenes
Whether sexual favors to others are allowed

Attitude / Behavior
Facial expressions
Body language
Tone
Posture (sitting, kneeling)
Safeword for emotional overwhelm

Voting
Whether my Dominant chooses how I vote

Medications
Dispensing medication
Ensuring meds are taken on time
Discussing new prescriptions and side effects

Hygiene / Self-Care
Shaving
Bath times
Hair-washing
Teeth brushing
Lotions
Nail care
Perfume/deodorant
Body checks for skin issues or injuries

Education
Topics I’m allowed to learn
Classes, support groups, discussions
BDSM education

Entertainment
Screen time
Music
TV, movies
Video games
Books
Hobbies

Writing / Blogs
What I’m permitted to write about
Blogs and groups I can read

Religion
Whether I may practice
Service attendance
Set times for spiritual practice

Clothing
What I may wear
Purchases
Whether I wear clothing inside
Panty rules

Beauty Routine
Makeup
Hairstyles, dye
Skincare routinesSerums and treatments

Sleep / Bedtime
How long I sleep
Bedtime and wake times
Wind-down routines
Time allowed to wake up

Travel
Outings with friends
Where I sit in the car
Solo trips
Who arranges travel

Body Modification
Tattoos
Piercings
Hair changes
Any permanent modifications

Teaching
Whether I may teach
Classes online or in person
Being a demo bottom

Finances
Who controls finances
Asking to spend
Allowance
Savings requirements

Bathroom Control
Permission to use the bathroom
Being watched
How to ask at home and in public

Household
Decorating
Household decisions, repairs, maintenance

These categories helped us so much. Even in a full TPE, a Dominant doesn’t have to control everything. Some areas take time to surrender. That’s okay. I also know that what I have listed is not everything. Honestly, this just works for me. for my dynamic with my Masters. It may not work for you, and that is also. Okay.

We also distinguish between

Blanket Control – He sets guidelines I automatically follow

Micro-Management – I ask every time

Getting clarity on these made our dynamic incredibly smooth. We keep a contract and review it every three months. That works for us for a check in. I know some couples do not use contracts at all, and that is once again. Okay.

Protocols & Color System

We also use color-coded protocols,

Red = High Protocol Silent unless spoken to, Ask for everything, no exceptions, Strict honorifics, Absolute obedience unless safeworded. (If you do not use safewords. That is okay. )

Yellow = Medium Protocol Respectful, honorifics, Must ask for most things, Can speak freely with respectful tone

Green = Low Protocol Follow standing rules, No permission needed for small things, Playful, silly, sassy allowed, Casual nicknames permitted

And finally for me, grace is simply the way I soften into all of this.

One Final Note

I truly think it helps so much for Dominants to speak with other Dominants, and for submissives to have submissive only spaces.
Each side learns in such different ways.

And Remember, there is no one true way to run a dynamic. Every TPE is unique. What matters is that it works for you and is built with communication, clarity, structure, care, and enthusiastic informed consent.