the alpha pocket sub

I wouldn’t say I love sugar cubes, but I’ve always seen them as fancy things. Something reserved for floral tea cups, cucumber sandwiches, raised pinkies and proper manners. Coming from a midwestern girl who drinks black coffee and loves to walk barefoot, it’s a reasonable conclusion. I understand it may not make sense. 

Annually, the demon, the elf on the shelf, brings sugar cubes to my house. My children gladly build igloos, houses, cars…even dragons with this glistening white cubes. They always sneak a cube or two (or 6) on that Saturday morning before I get out of bed. Truth be told, I put them out on a Saturday to secure an extra hour of sleep. This year, I snuck a few. Rolling them around in my mouth as they dissolved in granules of sugar, then into nothing. To nothing. The stack of cubes dwindled as cubes were snuck into our mouths on the sly. Just one…then two…you know.

Like the sugar cubes, I let my submission slip away…melting in hot mouths of the day to day. Consumed by those who I shouldn’t have shared with. The loss of direction and domination simply allowed my submission to dissolve. I haven’t nurtured it, grown it or fostered it. I haven’t treated it with white gloves and respect. Instead of shutting off the “boss of 9-to-5”, I continued it into “my time”.

So what’s the good news? 

Sugar cubes can be made simply by the small granules of sugar and time! Piece by piece combined with the right amount water develops into a sandy mixture. Not too much water tho,  as it will dissolve the sugar and not form. This sandy mixture is then placed in a mold. Within time, the sugar sand mixture will cure and be released into a solid sugar cube the shape of the mold. It isn’t rocket science. 

How simply does this apply to rebuilding submission. The submissive (the sugar) with the right Dominant (the form) enforcing the combination of rules, boundaries, and acts of submission (the water). Someone will argue the Dominant should be the water…the glue. I would argue, the Dominant forms their submissive while the rules, boundaries and acts of submission help create the submissive in the Dominant’s design. Don’t you just love design? Like sugar cubes, submissives and Dominants can come in a variety of colors and designs. We can once again become more than what we were to begin with!

So now after all that…what kind of sugar cube do you want to be?

It fades, slips off the west

Cold cream color of the night

Disappearing where land and sky join

A contract of opposites

Solidifying through dripping seconds of time

Weighing down satin strips

Revealing internal reflection 

Deceitfully beautiful, flawless movements 

Turned tidal, corrosive, destructive 

Direct light to cast shadows 

Disguising scars amidst illuminating dreams

Purify black with gold radiance

Acute identity of renewal through light 

Do we all have a monster in ourselves? One to either tame or satisfy? One to quiet or allow to rage? 

It’s been a super long couple weeks for me. This really resonated with me today. I’ve been relying upon my monster to sustain me through these weeks. I can tell you this my monster is tired!! This weekend will be filled with relaxation for sure.

Do you relate? How do you recharge your monster?

If you follow my blog, you know I just started with a new company. With that comes training video after training video after training video. Without getting into my industry, I struggle with being overly cautious regarding ethics and sexual harassment. I am very black and white in my understanding of these two things. I do not like the gray that comes in to play with trying to complete the training. This has a point...

Today in my sexual harassment course (seven modules long), came the questions of identifying pervasive and severe sexual harassment. Rape and other physical acts are severe. Then came the final one out of five scenarios...a supervisor calling his assistant "my sexy office kitten". What?!? What did I just read? Now, I know that it's a bit funny. My boss and I laughed about it for a bit.  I selected that this was severe, not pervasive (I was wrong). Perhaps it is because I am a submissive that I found it offensive that a coveted title was used.

I focus very hard to keep this part of my life private, now more than ever is it so important. The fact that I found it interesting enough to bring up, do you think that sheds like on my lifestyle? If you watch TikTok, the greatest waste of 20 minutes magically now three hours long, do you know those videos?

Nobody's gonna know.

They're gonna know.

How would they know?

So, in conclusion....just a few questions for y'all....

1) What is the possibility I let the cat out of the bag?

2) What's your favorite story about....how would they know?

Molting: the process of shedding an old shell to allow for new growth. 

Today, I’m driving north to start a new life! I’m leaving the southwest desert and heading home to snow and space. What a dynamic change huh? Within the last 13 months, I have undergone four major life changes. Sprinkle in the spices of 2020, I feel so accomplished! I’m concluding this year feeling like a force to be reckoned with.

As I pulled out town I lived in for 6 years, I began my molting process. I recounted my expectations when I arrived, hopeful to rekindle my marriage. The good experiences: having my daughter, awesome job, getting my masters degree, and making a new support team/family. Then it hit me like a tidal wave. In this town, I developed anxiety. Something I never had til the last 3 years. Within 45 minutes of pulling out, I was an emotional crying MESS! The hurt, disappointment, resentment and anger just flowed out (thank you compound stress). Two hours later, I find myself working through these emotions. I have 2 hours before I exit the land of entrapment. When I cross that state line, I’m not bringing any of that with me. I’m leaving my shell and beginning anew. A little music therapy mixed with sugar treats, I’ve got this.

Since I have accepted my new position, I have found myself on here more than normal. I find peace and calming immersing myself in blogs. So just a big thank you to y’all who have unknowing provided me comfort.

**stay tuned for another Heather, the sorority girl, story. She struck again last night

I have the worst poker face. I remember my first Dom would try to train me not to smile in anticipation. I think he thought it was bratty. We would try me listening to a song that would stir up images for me and see if I could look at the camera throughout the song without smiling. NIN - Closer was his choice and man, I could only make it about 10-20 seconds. I'm still like that. It's not because I'm bratty, I just don't have a poker face.

I imagine if we spoke via video chat you would likely see me smile alot...but that's just me. I have a hard time...work is the worst. I struggle to maintain a professional face in front of my clients. I have had to work very hard at it because I had to demand respect from them in order to create order and understanding. My subordinates to take me seriously when I'm not smiling, but quite honestly, it's rare. I suppose if I take a minute to reflect, that's probably the babygirl coming out.

Since I am separated, I kind of feel single, not dating. No way can that happen right now. But I do notice that I let my submissive side out a little more. I feel like Uncle Joe after Thanksgiving dinner that loosened his pants after Thanksgiving. Being bound up that way to just let loose is very gratifying. I also feel like it brings out the predator in me (I have always kind of felt like a switch deep down). Case in point...

My company finally opened it's doors to the public. We have been operating not open to the public but available to services. We have been in the office. Although I must say I have enjoyed wearing my loungewear to work, it was nice to put on a full face and my dress clothes...okok perhaps my lipstick was my favorite. Not only had it been a long time since I've dress for work, but the sexual tension is running strong with me.

My Purple Promise (google this, I don't want to say the company name) delivery driver came in. We have had a working relationship for three years. We have gotten to be very good friends. We even exchanged numbers once so I could let him know when I was at the office during the lockdown. He was in the office and we were talking about the virus (refuse to use the full name). We shared conspiracies, I bounced my crazy ideas off him and vice versa. We finished up our talk and out the door he went. Not 3 seconds later there's a ping on my phone, "you drive me crazy". Holy fuck, it was my delivery driver! I totally apologized and stated that I know my ideas are insane and I have a lot of them. But that's not what he meant. He found me sexy!

Ok let's stop here. I have never placed myself in the sexy category. People do not flirt with me. My subordinates, yes, but not me. But I'm a horrible flirt so I would likely not even notice if someone was...they would literally have to hit me over the head with a shovel and tell me!

Dang, I mean, I always thought he was cute. I'm a sucker for beards and all. He then tells me that I was biting my lip and staring at his crotch. The fuck you say. I went so red, I was so embarrassed. I don't know let Heather (apparently my alter ego) out. But fuck Heather! She didn't have to do me like that. Apparently Heather isn't getting any. I thought, well, at least we have to wear masks so I will just keep it on when he comes into the office next time. I hid most of yesterday, but wouldn't you know it. The Purple Promise showed up today...sneaks up behind me in my office and what happens? Heather stares at his crotch again. I mean...Heather, the least you could have done was kneel! I could barely look him in the eyes...I'm sure I was 1392 shades of red. 

But truly, Heather and I have got to have a talk. It's a good laugh tho...oui, the joys, yeah?

Ok, not my typical but....

Saw this. Loved this.

Reminded me of "The Red Strokes" by Garth Brooks.

So...I think I need to do this! Yup yup.

Renegade and rogue. I have been called both over the last couple months. To be honest, the both mean roughly the same thing. In a negative connotation, renegade means a rejection of conventional behaviors or cultural norms. A Rogue is defined as a dishonest person. However, there is a playful meaning to rogue: a mischievous person. I’m about 99% sure the meaning towards me was negative. But what makes you rogue or renegade?

So to me, I don’t really see myself that way. First, when I think mischievous, I think brat. Although there is nothing wrong with being a brat, I am not one. Now I will say, I am inquisitive, witty and a thinker. I am never intentionally being a brat or consuming, I just have a lot I want to know. 

Now, the other side. I don’t feel like I am dishonest, I think I am very upfront with people. I don’t think people hear me. BDSM has its cultural norms, but it leaves so much room for variation and adaptation. My experience is variance and adaptation only occurs after submission. To me, I cannot submit until I feel psychologically safe and that can take a long time. I will not submit to a Dominant that is not mine, do not demand of me. I will not give out my number, let down my wall or anything else I hold sacred to me. I know my ability (time) to submit. I value my due diligence. And this I know, makes me a renegade, a rogue submissive to some. 

I am not saying I have never done wrong. I have. What I am saying is, protecting my vulnerabilities does not make me rogue or renegade, it makes me smart. It keeps me intact from becoming jaded. It keeps me intact for my Dom. 

What do you think?

What's rogue? What's renegade?

The Green Mile...I think its one of the greatest movies (we can agree to disagree). The fascination with empaths and healing really bloomed with the idea of taking something from someone and healing them. Taking pain, suffering...whatever it may be. If you are unfamiliar with the idea, according to the dictionary, an empath "a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual". Fixing it or taking it back as John Coffey would say throughout the movie. We are all given our gifts.

I often see Dominants as empaths and healers. For me, a Dominant takes away pain, anxiety and emotional stress and replaces with calm, structured thought. Sometimes it's through touch, meditation, or a calming voice. As a result of this gift, so many have, I think they carry the emotional weight of so many. What a heavy load! Imagining caring and putting yourself out there are often to be there for someone.

I think this is why I say with the sincerest of hearts, we, submissives owe it to all Dominants to be careful and cautious with our Dominants, in any capacity. As we are treasures to them, they are treasures to us. I am reminded of the grateful behavior of all the characters when John Coffey "takes" from them. We should be as gracious to our Dominants who "take" from us. 

I sincerely apologize for not being gracious. I promise to move forward with the respect, kindness and graciousness for the kindness that has been bestowed and may be bestowed upon me.

When people meet me at work, I am assertive. I say no. I am often labeled a pit bull or a bitch. My relationships with my clients are very intimate. My position often puts me in a place where I become their confidant. I would say about 50% of my clients have met my children. They are in the office more than I would like to admit.

For the last 10 days, I have had a new client I have been working with. He is very direct and appreciates immediate responses. We have spoken on the phone numerous times at length. I will admit that I was struggling with the phone conversations. I have a really busy office, I'm constantly interrupted and I have been struggling to meet all of my obligations. So today, this client was at my office before 9am. I was receiving text messages from my assistant "hurry up, he's here and has questions". Today, I was running late. My daughter slept less than 2 hours last night. That means I slept less than one hour. This means that a tortoise is moving faster than me. This also means that I haven't gotten my head right for work today (something I have to do to survive work).

Most of my interactions can be shortened in to 30 minutes. This interaction was 3 hours long! We had talked about a lot of things. But I had stated something like, I'm not typically the aggressive one. Then BAM! He went off on this tangent of always being a Dominant, has been since school. He starts using the words submit and submissive in my office. Unconscious things happened. One, I lowered my head (didn't even recognize it). Two, my hands were placed on my thighs, palms up. Three, I became all flushed and very attentive to my surroundings. 

So....lately I have felt like I wasn't very submissive. That I have misread all of my behavior, needs and desires. But you know, I think I'm right on target.  And that feels pretty good.

watch him be on this site....