she is frozen in time as she stands in her corner free of the chains that she once proudly wore. for one day, she wore His collar until the next day when it no longer meant what it should. those words that were spoken broke her heart and spirit that day and has had a profound effect on her insecurities. she feels vulnerable and ousted by her own hands and blames only herself. She knew this day was inevitable, but what she didn't expect is the profound effect it would have on her. She has been unleashed by her own conscious decision. She tried to subside the pain that was in His eyes, only to destroy herself in the process. her purpose has always been to put Him first and to make His life easier. A promise she kept. Now, she tries to manage a wrenching hole in her heart that aches beyond imagine. she waits and holds on to a hope that never existed. she finds herself angry (at herself) over that which could have been avoided.
she feels ashamed and unwanted and the dark is now her home again. she knows that this is her life, the life she chose but it never gets easier. she is left with an emptiness and sadness that overwhelms her soul and takes control. She is left with memories that imprison and hold her whole being captive. An unrelenting torment that she can not run from. Its a pain like no other. she now has to save herself because no one is going to do it for her...she is alone.
He was her world, for whom she lived to serve, honor and obey. she opened her soul and innermost feelings to Him. she does not know that man any longer. His eyes no longer danced and the way he looked at her when they were together....has been erased. His smile can no longer be found. His words dictated by demons and He is unrecognizable to her. His words guarded by His own fears and by His own making. His laughter never to be heard again. His body, forever etched into her mind, will not be erased. His strong hands that embraced her head will never be forgotten. she reaches for Him and the peace He once gave her in the middle of the night...He no longer can be found there, so she closes her eyes to find Him. Each passing day His silence gets stronger and the distance gets wider. she hates this, the not knowing what is to come of this bond, the friendship that developed between them. "Has she lost Him forever?" she wonders. she wonders what will become of her secrets, her deepest thoughts..."will He protect those"? she can only hope that the trust she gave Him, stays with Him for she does not open up or trust easily.
What she does know, the only thing she knows....is that if He can never again be His authentic self and unguarded around her, it can never be again and she must leave it in the past. she must leave Him in the past. she is torn up inside and cries at the thought. she cries because the magic they shared was undeniable, unexplainable. They had connected and her submission, intertwined with His dominance, manifested into something so amazingly beautiful. she cries because she failed by the hands of another. she cries because she misses Him, He was her everything, the very essence of her being. He was her Dominant and her friend.
she knows that if and whenever He needs her, she shall be there with open arms. she has nothing but respect and adoration for Him. she knows that now, she needs to grieve the loss of Him and the memories that take her breath away...she knows that she needs to protect herself once again, putting up her walls higher and stronger than before. she cements herself in, giving up the battle waging inside her heart and head vanquishing all her thoughts, feelings and subtle nuances. she succubs to the blows that were given her.
she lay in her nakedness, no glory, no resurrection of what she once was. she has been damaged but will not understand the extent of that until she can find herself again. she has to find a way to forgive but she will never forget. she has learned a lesson and for that she will be grateful. she learned that she is worthy of someone/something better, someone who deserves all she has to give without judgement or insinuations. she is worthy of one who will take her submission and her heart, hold it close and protect it, never to take it for granted or destroy it.
This once vibrant, flourishing angel has cemented herself in, encased in a protective barrier not knowing if she will ever trust again or let anyone in. she is brokenhearted. she will shed her tears taking responsibility for them
until there is nothing left but numbness and emptiness. As she begins to drift off, she remembers how He used to be. she knows that He will forever have a special place in her heart and for the very last time....she whispers, "Thank you Sir".
she will slowly regain the quietness of her soul as she waits for the one who can free her of this deep dejection bestowed upon her.
One will never know how profoundly an effect a D/s relationship can have on the people involved. There are good times and then not so good times. It's a process of learning and making mistakes along the way. It's about respect, adoration, love and communication even if it fails. It is difficult when anything beautiful has to come to an end. we must not let it define us (submissives/slaves), but we still need to grieve in our own way and we will. we just cannot let that grief consume us. Take time to yourself and regroup. you and i are worthy of happiness in the sweetest form called submission. Perhaps it just wasn't meant to be? we cannot let it destroy our trust for another if that is to be our destiny.
Just remember this...our gift of submission is beautiful in the hands of the right person. Wait for it and don't give it away so freely. Do not let anyone destroy beautiful memories. Hold them close to your heart for they are sacred, they are yours and NO ONE can ever take those away from you
Love ❤️ to all going through a hard time.
~Bella
