No Crown

I have been working on using my words. It hasn't always been easy. I have to really hype myself up to do it, mostly just when it's either a question I'm afraid of the answer to or if it's expressing negative feelings. In my previous marriage, doing this always resulted in it being flipped on me and being yelled at, often for hours on end. It was never safe to do so. I would have to build up the courage and then when I did, it was met with anger and being gaslit into believing I was the problem. In my current relationship, I had been holding onto a couple negative feelings for months, holding them back hoping it would go away but they didn't, just kept eating at me and being upset with myself for not expressing myself at the time. I swore when I left my ex that any future relationships I'd be as honest as possible, whether good or bad, and the right person would appreciate it rather than punish me for it. I was mad at myself for not keeping that promise. I finally found the courage to bring it up last weekend. I told him I had feelings to share and to make sure I shared them, to hold me accountable so I could chicken out. He suggested I write it down, which I did and it helped me organize my thoughts and make sure I wouldn't forget anything the next time I saw him. The weekend came and he asked me to share. I was hesitant to, but only because he'd had a rough week and I didn't want to make it worst knowing my feelings were bad feelings. I asked if I could save it for another time but he insisted I get it over with regardless. So, I did. Very apprehensively, but I did it. I read what I'd written. It made him feel bad, but he heard me out, recognized his missteps, and apologized. We both cried a little. But it was necessary. I got to get out what had been bugging me, and he got to prove he is my safe space to share my honest feelings without fear of repercussions. Which in my heart I already knew he was. It's just me still unlearning past expectations and rewiring my brain to be more communicative in a healthy way. I'm still a work in progress, but I thank God I have been blessed with somebody who has emotional intelligence and empathy to where I can feel safe to work on these things within myself, even when it's directed towards him. Since last weekend, I have not thought about these things since (up until decided I wanted to write a blog tonight lol). Lesson well learned. I can see myself likely still struggling with this going forward, but I will not allow it to ruminate for so long before addressing it. Confronting it is freeing. I'm upset with myself for not using my words so much sooner; I'd been sitting on this negativity for months and it could have been dealt with immediately and done with. Silly me. 😄