This shit is hard. Confronting your core beliefs. Believing you’re worthy. Confusing yourself. Reading. The endless reading, research, journaling, self reflection.
It’s fucking annoying. It’s all consuming.
It became an obsession to learn everything. In the fray of the frenzy of education.
But when I finally understand, when I experience the material for the first time it’s majestic.
Then comes the aftermath. Should this newfound understanding be even more confusing and devastating? To finally get exactly what you asked from someone who’s fucking great but still feel out of sorts? Back to the reading, the journaling, the self reflection.
Taking time and adjusting. The uncomfortable adjustment of taking space.
I want to give up. I want to give in. I want the attention. I want space. I want everything. I want nothing at all.
The consistent advice of being told to take one’s time. Come sit in my head for a fucking day and tell me again to take my time. One night feels like an eternity.
I hate how hard this is. But I never want to leave.
