A Masochist's Adventures in Wonderland
Chapter 8
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I stood on the outskirts of town, stared across open grasslands, and let the wind blew through my hair.
In a few minutes, I would drive to Ash’s apartment for what might be our final meeting, but I was ready.
I just needed to take a few minutes to collect myself.
This calm stayed with me all week, even when Ash texted to check in with me. I never dropped, as he called it. I stayed rock solid. I just had to tell him where I stood and let the chips fall where they may.
This last week was an eye-opener for me. I spent more time studying BDSM this week than in the last six months combined.
I was as prepared as I could possibly be to meet Ash. I was far better prepared to meet him tonight than I was at the club.
A vibrating alarm went off on my watch. I turned it off and walked back to my car. There was no reason to put off the inevitable any longer.
I drove to his apartment, walked in, and stopped in my usual spot. He sat on the couch with his ankle on his knee and his arm over the cushion.
We both stood there staring at each other for what seemed like a long time.
“Was there something you wanted to say to me after our meeting last week?” he asked.
I studied him for a second and then tossed my handbag onto the chair next to me.
I kept my eyes down while I unbuttoned my shirt, took off all my clothes, and tossed them over the chair. My heart started pounding when I sank onto my knees on the floor.
I didn’t dare to look up. This might not work, but I had to try it.
I had been starting to get the picture about what was missing between me and Ash—why he kept insisting that I couldn’t be his submissive—what I was missing.
I stared at a spot on the floor and waited for the axe to fall. This moment would make or break us—if there even was an us to break.
I didn’t know what to expect, but when it happened, it was the last thing in the world I could have predicted.
He stood up, walked around the coffee table, and stopped in front of me.
He lowered his voice to a murmur. He didn’t snap or give commands. “What is it you want to say to me?”
I took a deep breath, but it didn’t do any good to steady my nerves. I had rehearsed exactly what I wanted to say to him.
Kneeling in front of him made it a thousand times harder to get the words out. I could only look up as far as his knees.
“You’re right that I don’t know what it means to be a masochist,” I choked. “But I want to be that for you. I want to be what you want. I know you can show me what it means….and I want that. I want to be the one who gives you that. If that’s what it takes to be your submissive, then that’s what I want to do. I want your heart….”
“You have my heart, Lucy,” he murmured. “Don’t you know that by now?”
I squeezed my eyes shut and swallowed hard. He made it even worse when he raised his hand and started stroking my hair.
“You said it was my responsibility to tell you what I want and then you would provide it to me. This is what I want—to have something real with you—even if it means becoming a masochist. I don’t know what it would take, but I want to try to at least find out if I can. I want to be that for you—to make you feel….whatever it is you feel when you do that. This….whatever it is that we’ve been doing—these half-measures—I can’t do this. I won’t do it. If I can’t at least try to have something real with you, then I don’t want to do this anymore.” I shut my eyes tight. “I….I feel too much for you. I don’t want to think about you if I can’t have you—for real. I can’t do this if I can’t at least give you what you’re giving me. I don’t want that. I don’t want this to be some kind of business transaction.”
He didn’t say anything for a long time. I flatly refused to look up to see his reaction.
He didn’t stop stroking my hair, so I guess it wasn’t a complete disaster that I said all that.
“So you want to have something real with me,” he finally murmured.
“Yes,” I croaked.
“And you want to be my submissive and learn to be a masochist so you can give me what I want—so I’ll want to have something real with you. Am I understanding this right?”
I could barely speak above a whisper when I said, “Yes.”
“If you do this, you would be submissive to me all the time—not just when you’re in this apartment. You would be submissive to me even when you aren’t here. I would find out everything about you. I would involve myself in every aspect of your life. I would stick my nose into all your business and demand answers about everything to do with you. Are you prepared for that?”
I had to gulp again. “Yes.”
He waited a long time before he answered. “All right. I’ll take you as my submissive.”
I couldn’t breathe. This was what I wanted. I just still didn’t know what that meant.
“From now on, you’ll refer to me as Sir and answer me by saying, ‘Yes, Sir,’ and ‘No, Sir’. Is that clear?”
I nodded and then remembered to say, “Yes, Sir.”
Kneeling in front of him like this threw me back into the state of emotional fragility I felt when he made me beg him to give me an orgasm.
Now I was here essentially begging him to give me something so much bigger and so much more important.
Would I be good enough for him? What if I couldn’t hack it?
He was a sadist—but apparently I didn’t understand what that meant, either.
He didn’t act the way I thought a sadist would act. He wasn’t a brutal, vicious, axe-murdering psychopath.
I couldn’t fathom him ever hurting me—ever. He was too controlled—and it really, honestly never crossed my mind that he didn’t care about me.
“Now listen to me very carefully, Lucy,” he went on. “It’s important that you understand this. How much pain you receive is my decision. If you want something, you ask for it and it will be my decision whether to do it. That includes if you want to touch me. If you want to do something to me or for me, you ask and it will be for me to say yes or no. Is that understood?”
I nodded again and said, “Yes, Sir.”
He took a deep breath. Was he shaking as badly as I was?
“I am very proud to take you as a submissive, Lucy.” His voice really was shaking. “I’m extremely pleased and humbled seeing you kneeling before me like this. I hope I can be a good dominant for you—and I swear to you that I will never hurt you in any way that you don’t want me to. I will always take every possible step to protect you and make sure that you enjoy everything I do. I hope you can believe that.”
“I do…..Sir.”
He bent over and kissed me on the head before he walked away. He left me kneeling there while he banged around somewhere else in the apartment.
He stayed over there for so long that I almost looked up to see what he was doing.
I froze in horror when I saw him coming toward me. He carried a black flogger in one hand.
Finely plaited leather strips crisscrossed the handle and twisted around each other to form dozens of long falls all lying against each other.
I stole a glance at it and immediately looked away. Adrenaline burned my insides. I couldn’t let him hit me with that. No way.
“Do you know what this is?” he asked in a dangerous undertone.
“Yes,” I squeaked.
“Yes, Sir,” he corrected.
“Yes, Sir,” I whimpered.
Was he going to punish me for making that mistake?
“Lean forward, put your hands down flat on the floor, and rest your weight on your hands.”
I leaned forward. Kneeling like this made my knees ache. I wasn’t used to it. Leaning forward took the pressure off my knees.
He started pacing around me in a circle the way he did before, but this was a completely different experience.
I felt myself shrinking in front of him—and really, really hoping I was doing this right so I would be what he wanted me to be.
“Spread your knees,” he told me. “Put your head down and shut your eyes. I want you to feel everything I’m about to do to you.”
I lowered my head and shut my eyes. I couldn’t help but brace myself for the first brutal cut.
He stopped behind me….and then something touched my back.
I wasn’t exactly sure what it was because at first it felt soft and gentle. It took me a minute to figure out that he was dragging the leather falls over my skin.
He passed it back and forth a few times and then swept it higher each time. It landed on my skin just a fraction of an inch harder, but it still felt soft and gentle.
He kept increasing the height a tiny smidge each time until it actually did land with a very slight thud.
The leather strips fell together in one clump. They didn’t sting or cut. They barely tapped.
The increasing pressure felt like getting a massage. It actually relaxed me.
He worked across my shoulders and down my spine. That feeling of deep relaxation spread over me. This didn’t hurt at all. It actually felt amazingly good.
He worked back up my spine, back and forth across my shoulders, and even around my shoulders toward my arms.
He stopped long before I got tired of it. I could have gone on much longer.
He walked around in front of me. “Stand up in front of me and put your hands behind your head.”
I stood up. I didn’t realize my knees were this crimped until I tried to straighten my legs.
I had to take longer to straighten them, but Ash didn’t seem to mind. He stood there waiting.
I put my hands behind my head and laced my fingers together. I didn’t remember until I got into that position that I was naked.
I didn’t plan to look at him, but standing in that position put me in the most strategic place and my eyes automatically wound up locking on him.
He held that gaze without looking away—and raised the flogger again.
Having him flog my back prepared me for what he was about to do.
He dragged the soft leather over my nipples and down my stomach and thighs. I had to shut my eyes and gulp as the sensation sent ripples of sparks all over my skin.
He picked up speed and barely bumped the falls against my breasts, down my stomach, down my thighs, and eventually between my legs.
He still didn’t increase the pressure. That gentle bumping sensation excited me out of my mind, but he moved off immediately and worked his way back up to my breasts.
He built up power to the same deep massaging sensation he used on my back. The warmth spread through my breasts and into my chest. It felt incredible—and so unbelievably hot.
My excitement escalated when he worked down my stomach and then up my thighs to my pussy.
He beat the falls at the same steady rhythm and the same pressure against my clitoris.
I clamped my eyes shut whining in aching need as the waves of ecstasy spread outward through me. I needed to cum.
He read my mind. “Look at me,” he murmured.
My eyes snapped open—and I knew. I had to ask for it. I wouldn’t be able to if I didn’t ask.
“Please…..” I choked.
“Please what?” he snapped.
“Please…..Sir……please……” I gulped. The emotion of looking in his eyes almost made me start crying again, but this time, I had an outlet. The last barrier no longer separated me from what I really needed.
“Please…..let me cum…..” I choked and then screamed as another blast of electric power shot straight up my channel into my being.
“Cum for me, baby,” he murmured. “Cum for me right now. Let me see how much you want me to take you.”
I couldn’t stop screaming. The wave crested before he said that, but it took his word to make it happen.
He kept bumping the flogger against my clit at the same insistent rhythm while I spasmed and shrieked in agony. My knees almost buckled. I barely managed to stay upright.
He changed the angle of strikes. He didn’t land exactly on my clitoris anymore. I wouldn’t have been able to cope with that.
He struck a little deeper between my legs so the falls landed across my entire vulva. Those strikes made another warm, soothing, outward-spreading flush of heat that helped me calm down.
I was still trembling from the intensity of the sensation when he stopped. “Kneel, baby,” he murmured.
I almost collapsed onto the floor. I couldn’t sit up straight. My shoulders slumped and I buckled there gasping, moaning, and struggling to cope with all of this.
He took a step closer and started stroking my hair again. That touch actually hurt more than anything else that happened this evening.
This feeling of being totally crushed by my feelings for him—it felt like the worst agony of my life—and yet it somehow fulfilled something I never knew I needed.
I knew I needed something more from him, but I didn’t know what it was until right this minute.
This was it—this feeling of aching for him—for his approval and presence.
He didn’t tell me I could, but I scooted across the floor, put my arms around his knees, and held on.
I didn’t ask for permission and he didn’t tell me I could, but I needed this. I needed to anchor myself to him so much more than I ever did before.
He didn’t stop me. He let me hold onto him while he trailed his fingers through my hair.
He let me stay there, bowed and crushed, until I stopped shaking and finally inhaled a long, shuddering sigh.
He waited until I let go of him on my own. I couldn’t think clearly enough to decide what to do next.
He cupped my chin and made me look up at him. His voice cracked when he spoke. “Do you understand now?”
I had to gulp again to get my parched throat working. “Yes, Sir.”
“I’m very, very pleased with you, baby. I’m very happy to have you as my submissive. I’m proud of everything you did here tonight. You exceeded my wildest expectations. I didn’t think you would be able to do it, but you did it beautifully. I am very lucky to have you as a submissive.”
My throat contracted from emotion—and then he kissed me—only once.
He turned away. “Come over here and sit next to me.”
He returned to his usual place on the couch, put his foot against the coffee table, and pushed it a few feet away from him to make more space in front of him.
I got to my feet and hobbled over there.
He took my hand and guided me down to sit on the floor next to his legs.
He picked up a blanket that hung over the back of the couch, draped it around my shoulders, and wrapped me up in it.
Then he laid his hand on my head and steered me to lie down with my cheek against his thigh.
My eyes shut in the closeness of just being near him.
I must have drifted off because I woke up still sitting on the floor next to his leg. He wasn’t stroking my hair anymore. That would have woken me up.
I sat up and looked around in a daze. I was still half asleep.
I looked over and found him studying me with his head on the side. “How do you feel?” he asked.
“Sleepy,” I croaked. “I mean….Sir.”
He raised his hand and stroked it down my cheek this time. “Do you feel like going home?”
I nodded at nothing. My brain wouldn’t switch back on.
“Do you think you’ll be all right to drive?”
I glanced around. “Would you mind….if I have a drink of water….Sir?”
“Of course.”
He stood up, went to the kitchen, ran a glass under the water filter installed in the front of the refrigerator, and brought it back to me.
I took a big gulp. It made me feel better and soothed my dry throat.
“Do you feel like you need to eat something?”
“No, I’ll be okay…..Sir.”
He burst into a huge grin. “Don’t worry if it takes you a while to get used to it.”
I found myself smiling back at him. “I like it. I just need to…well, you just said it, didn’t you?”
He smiled again and his cheeks flushed. “Thank you,” he exclaimed.
My head shot up. “What for?”
“For asking to be my submissive. I’m excited and nervous all that the same time. This is going to be great.”
I blushed and looked away. “I’m sorry if I didn’t do it right.”
“You were perfect. You did everything right.”
His attention was making me uncomfortable. “I should probably get out of here.”
“Okay.” He put his hand down. “Take your time.”
I didn’t need to take my time. I stood up, folded the blanket, and draped it over the back of the couch.
I became aware that I was standing right in front of him stark naked. We seemed to have traveled so far past all that now. It wasn’t like he didn’t already know what I looked like.
He watched in silence as I put my clothes back on. I couldn’t look at him until I got fully dressed and stood in the same place facing him.
“Thank you for everything you did and said tonight,” he repeated. “I very pleased with you and very, very proud of you.”
I blushed again. “Thanks…for everything….Sir.”
He grinned. “Have a good week. I’ll text you later….and I will continue to text you during the week. This won’t just be about aftercare anymore. Do you understand?”
I nodded. “Yes, Sir.”
“Excellent. Go home, then. I’ll talk to you later.”
End of Chapter 8
