I just want to get to a point where I am ok.
After abuse, I just want to be ok with this void never being filled.
He weaponized that I was not submissive enough. I worked really hard to become more submissive, only to realize he wasn’t actually masculine/dominant, and that he would never put in any effort to become what I needed.
So, ten years down the drain, a child, and very little value added to my life, I have to wrestle anger and resentment as I try to work and save to leave. He won’t divorce me. Won’t stop touching me. Won’t stop expecting things from me, and can’t even fuck me to my satisfaction like he used to.
All I crave is safety and security, and I feel weak for it. I JUST WANT TO BE OK. I want to be strong. I want to be self sufficient. I don’t want to need anyone else.
But every second I’m alive my heart is yearning for a man I can trust, that will see me, and love me. I just want to not want it. I just want to be ok.