( This is all over the place but, I just needed to get it out raw. Hoping writing out some of this pain will help me heal)
It would be nice to be saved. It is also very unlikely.
It would be nice to be powerful and save myself.
But I have never done it.
I don’t feel powerful.
Stole my energy and my time.
So, I have faith and, minimal energy.
Is it enough?
I just need someone to lend me some energy.
But no one cares.
A woman I know is almost away from her abuser.
To her benefit, they didn’t live together, they don’t have kids together, they were not together as long and she is smart enough to have a degree.
So she was able to find a really good job to buy her freedom.
I have all these obstacles and I’m not that smart.
Used to smoke too much weed I guess.
I try not to be jealous. He is a tad worst than my husband.
So I’m working toward my power with minimum wage. I just need some energy.
I have been talking to a dom on here.
I liked that no matter how many times I disappeared he would always interact.
But I don’t think he really likes me that much.
He seems very busy. Which is fine.
But I know when you want something you go after it and, I need energy.
Although I did like the little he gave me, but I think the longing to connect with him more and it not really being reciprocated cancels it out.
So I blocked him.
I was buying the Im busy stuff before I went to visit my sister.
Her man is a multimillionaire. Probably the busiest person I have ever seen and she was getting I miss you’s and even just little tasks for things that needed to be done.
While my phone….crickets.
I accept that this is the station I am to be in right now.
It just sucks.
And it’s lonely.
I get angry.
I’m resentful.
Because my husband was supposed to take care of me.
But he only damaged me further.
Anyway, tomorrow is another day of minimum wage while listening to smut audiobooks.
Dreaming of the day I will be like the women in those stories.
Properly seen, loved, understood, respected, appreciated, fucked, cared for, protected, used, and controlled.