Reading somebody's post ElseWEB, a memory that I'd almost lost was brought back to mind...
I've always been partial to a bit of casual self sabotage, especially within the arena of sex and dating.
At first, I think it was mainly due to not feeling worthy of such a connection with another human being. My self loathing was a potent force from my late teens onward.
So much so, I would even reject advances from women if I felt they were attracted to me "for the wrong reasons". A woman in a nightclub letting on that she found me physically attractive would have me working overtime to gently let her down. I had no confidence in my physical appearance back then. I could vaguely understand someone finding me attractive after a long chat. A conversation that could illustrate to her my intelligence, wit and personal values might conceivably be genuine. But someone seeing me for the first time? No way.
To this day, a compliment about my looks or any particular physical trait is more likely to elicit suspicion from me than anything else. What's the agenda behind the flattery? What're they after?
Years ago, I still remember, a friend of my friends, home from uni, meeting us in the local nightclub. Her friends circle and mine were vaguely connected. I'd seen her chatting with one of my friends or another over a long time, but I'd never really spoken to her one-on-one.
Anyhow, this particular night, somehow, after having chatted with a couple of my friends, she and I shared some words. I don't remember the conversation at all. Those were my days of heaviest drinking, so that is no reflection on her conversational ability. Somehow, though - Gods know how - we ended with a kiss.
I feel i must apologise to her memory, as I can't remember a thing about that night, other than the kiss. She was beautiful. A little under average height and petite. A redhead. Cute freckles and a sexy body - what's not to like? What prompted the kiss, I have no idea. But I remember it still - perhaps a quarter of a century later.
Prompted by that kiss, I met her at her work and walked her to the bus stop for the next few nights. Then, as soon as it started, it was over. Without even a proper date, she went back to uni and I don't recall ever seeing her again.
What might have been? I often wonder. I lay the blame for the failure of that relationship squarely at the feet of my tendency for self sabotage. At the time, i simply couldn't bring myself to accept that she might have found me attractive. My inner critic told me she was just messing with me, that I shouldn't trust the situation. That something was off seemed the only appropriate conclusion.
So, that brief something that never really got to be anything waned and died.
One thing I do still carry from that, though, is a memory I still cherish to this day. She was the first woman to tell me that I was a good kisser.
At the time, I thought that was little more than a thoughtful compliment. As I've got older, gained experience and shed some neuroses, it's come to mean more to me.
For me, being told I'm a good kisser is perhaps the biggest compliment I've ever had - at least, romantically.
Sure, being good at sex, making someone orgasm is a pleasing and rewarding achievement. But people cum whether they like it or not. You do things to their body and their body reacts - the conscious side of their personality has little say in the matter. Their body orgasms and the rest of them is kinda brought along for the ride.
But, with as kiss? Well, that is more interactive and reciprocal. At its best, both kissers are fully invested in the act. Each contributing to the pleasure of the moment. There's no kisser and Kissee. There is just "the kiss".
That's maybe the thing I miss most from my single days. That first kiss with a new person. Looking back, I can't recall a single relationship of any potency or consequence that didn't begin with the perfect moment encapsulated in a kiss.
I consider myself lucky to retain several memories of such perfect moments. With a variety of different people, many of whom I haven't spoken to in decades. Many of them include time-bending, breathtaking and heartstopping kisses.