Today I can breathe easier. Today I am calm. I am thankful for the support that I have. When everything seemed hopeless and the walls were caving in, you calmed me, brought me back to center and supported me in ways no one else can. And I a grateful.
I know now to reach out before it becomes too much and before I spiral. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
I always hope for a good day. Not today. Today was not a good day. Today was full of anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD flashbacks and a whole mess of emotional trauma that came to the surface.
Today was me on the couch wrapped in a blanket rocking to calm myself down. Today was tears and screaming until my throat was sore. Today was biting my nails to ruin. Today was sweats, no makeup, hair in disarray and not giving a damn.
Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I will try to figure out how to fix the damage I caused my nails. Tomorrow I will put back on my big girl panties and face the day.
But Not Today.
Sometimes a song can capture what words cannot.
It is amazing to walk the beach in the off season. The gentle waves coming to shore. The seagulls your only companions. You notice things. You can breathe deeper. It allows you to see the bigger picture. So close to this vast ocean you feel small, insignificant. And yet at peace. Just one person, one bird, it’s reflection so clear on the wet sand. The breeze ruffling his feathers. You dare not disturb the tranquility. A small smile makes its way to your face as you take your photo. A few more seconds to take in the view, the calm. One last deep breath and I turn and walk away.
Sometimes I wonder about how individuals come up with the names they use on their profile here. It intrigues me quite frankly. It is personal, where it describes their state of mind or life event that made them who they are? It is the unimaginative or simple humble person? Is it the I just don’t give a f..k? Is it silly, creepy, or wishful thinking 🤭? But I always wonder.
I started as one thing, and as I progressed and better understood myself and my journey, I changed it to depict that journey. We are ever evolving beings. We change, we learn, we grow.
But still I wonder….what’s in a name?
Or it could be the 101 temperature screwing with my head. Who knows….
I have been on a journey. Rocky and filled with obstacles. Searching for my true self. After years of being beaten down, made to feel unloved and unwanted, I am finally learning I can’t glean my happiness from someone else. I must find my own happiness, my own light and my own strength.
I can’t make someone feel something that they don’t. I can only be myself. And if that isn’t good enough, then that is on them not me.
In that same breath, I know that I have so much to give someone. So much love, joy and my utter submission. I need to be happy for me. Let the light I have inside me shine. When I accomplish this, then I have found my strength that was within me all along.
Another night without sleep. My cortisol levels are through the roof. I wish I had brought a sleeping aid with me. But alas, there is no sleep for the weary. No rest for the mind.
I miss him, even when I am supposed to be relaxing and enjoying myself at the beach with my friend, all I can think about is missing him.
How do I just shut off a mind that is constantly going long enough to sleep a few hours? I know the crash will be horrific. The last time I went days without sleep, when I dropped from exhaustion I slept 12 hours. I will need a sleeping aid tonight otherwise the drive back will be brutal.
I thought the walk on the beach and the fresh ocean air would help me sleep. I was wrong.
I am a contradiction. A woman who by sheer career title must appear strong, unwavering, confident and unyielding and yet in the presence of my dominant I yield, waver, lose my train of thought. His voice makes me tremble in expectation. His touch makes my whole body quiver and ache for him. I find myself submitting to his will and his desire. All I can think of is his pleasure when he is near me. I lose my sense of self and know that he owns me; body, mind and heart.
Yet no one in my past would guess that there is one man and one man alone that could bring me to my knees with one look, one word, one touch. That is the contradiction, what the world sees and what I am in the presence of the man that owns me.
In the silence of the night I am surrounded by the memory of you. Your shirt envelops my body. Your cologne sprayed on it. I breathe deeply letting your scent calm me.
But in the silence, I miss your presence. In the silence, I long for your warmth and protection. I remember how your body feels when you pull me close. When you squeeze my nipples and make me moan. Your face nuzzled against my neck as you claim what is yours. As my body melts under your control and dominance.
But now in the silence of the night. There are only the memories of you as I lay here alone.
You are my strength when I feel weak and afraid.
You are my calm when I am falling apart.
You are my compass when I have gone astray.
You are my voice of reason when I am unsure.
You are my comfort in my sadness.
You are my disciplinarian when I am wrong.
You are what my heart desires and what my
body craves.
Your control calls for my obedience.
Your claiming is my bliss.
