One size doesn’t fit all

As I approached him standing on his porch my pulse quickened, as I stepped up onto the landing he turned and opened the door so that I could enter. As I brushed past him I felt his hand grab the nape of my neck and he pulled my back against his chest. He bit down between my neck and my shoulder. I moaned at the pain and the pleasure. He then instructed me to put the nipple jewelry back on after my shower, but nothing else. I responded “Yes Sir” as he moved me forward and swatted my ass instructing me to do as I had been instructed. I moved, forward with purposeful strides, allowing a natural sway to my hips. I did not scramble like a mouse. My steps were purposeful, my shoulders back, my back straight. And before I disappeared from sight I put my hand back and slid the zipper down, never once turning around to see if he was watching. I allowed the dress to slide down my shoulders as I continued to walk. When it fell to the floor I stepped out of the dress and draped it over the sofa in the bedroom as I continued toward the bathroom. I loosened the link around my neck and the bands around my nipples and gently removed my nipple ensemble.  As I carefully laid it on the bed to put it back on after my shower.

I entered the bathroom grabbing a two washcloths from the cabinet. I turned on the  shower and allowed it to warm. Stepping into the shower the first thing I did was gently remove the anal plug. I washed it and placed it and the washcloth aside as I soaped myself up. As I began to clean myself, I could still feel the tingling between my legs. Washing my sensitive nipples, felt divine. I quickly finished my ablutions, stepped out of the shower grabbing a towel to dry off quickly. Normally, I would rub oil and lotion on my skin to keep it moisturized. I had not planned to be here.
I would just have to make do. I finished drying hanging the towel and taking the cleaned anal plug with me. I laid the cleaned plug on the dresser, placed my nipple ensemble back in place and knelt by the side of the bed in a submissive pose. Kneeling on the rug, legs apart back straight, palms upward, eyes cast downward. I closed my eyes, taking relaxing breaths as I patiently waited. A few minutes later. I heard him enter the shower. My mind wandered fantasizing about cleaning him, shaving him. I felt myself getting  wet as I imagined my hands washing his shoulders and back. I kept my breath steady. After a while I heard the shower shut off. I did not move, I stayed in position, waiting. I heard him go into the other room, rummaging around and my heart began to race anxiously awaiting what was to come. I felt his presence before I heard him. I kept my eyes cast downward, breasts pushed forward my legs open to him in invitation. He stood in front of me. I could smell his freshly cleaned body. “You were such a good girl this evening, I was very pleased”. “I am going to mark your beautiful ass, not as punishment but to see how nice and red it gets. Would you like that my little pain slut?” I responded, “Yes Sir, very much Sir.” I heard his deep chuckle. “Assume the position on the bed.” I stood and got on all fours near end of the bed, my eyes facing straight ahead. He came behind me. “You have been working hard I see”, as his hands caressed my round ass. I heard a swish and the impact made me jump slightly as I moaned from the sting of the flogger he was using. He swung again on the other cheek. Each sting causing me to become more aroused. After each strike he would caress the sting away. Then he stepped away and I could tell he had laid the flogger down and picked up something else. I continued to look straight ahead. I knew better than to break position. I heard the whistling through the air a split second before impact. The pain immediate, tears stung my eyes. He had picked up a thin dowel. Thwack, thwack, thwack. Three in quick succession. My tears flowing down my face, I tried to muffle my sobs. He was testing my limits, I knew this, but the pain soon turned to tingling between my legs, my pussy wet with need. I moaned, embracing the pain Three more strikes followed. I would not put my hand back, I would not use my safe word. He struck four more times, ten in all. I was sobbing, the sting constant. I heard him lay the dowel on the bed. Feeling his breath. He kissed each cheek. And I felt his tongue lathe my drenched sex. “What are you?” “I am your pain slut, Sir.” I responded. His tongue entering my pussy made me gasp. “Cum for me, my whore” he commanded as he continued to devour my pussy. I came, my legs trembling from the intensity. I felt his fingers enter my pussy as they continued to pulse from my orgasm. He hummed in acknowledgment and then he transferred my juices to my back hole. Using first one finger and then another. I moaned at the pressure. He removed his fingers and I felt his cock pressing against my hole. I relaxed, taking a deep breath, I waited for his entry. He grabbed my hips and gently pressed forward. As he did, I slightly pressed back allowing my sphincter to relax and accept his girth. He pushed foreword fully seating himself deep in my hole. I groaned at the fullness. Reveling in the feeling of him inside me. His movements were slow and tentative. My ass tightened around him and I heard his moan of pleasure. “This is mine” he growled and then began to pick up his pace as if he had suddenly become a feral beast wanting to claim what was his. His thrusts became more forceful. He loudly asked. “Who do you belong to?”  while pounding into my ass. “I belong to you, Sir” I panted. He smacked my ass, “louder, scream who is the Master of your body and your mind?” I screamed loudly sobbing as he relentlessly pounded into my ass. “You own me Sir. All of me”  he grabbed a wand and began massaging my clit, while still pounding into my ass. I whimpered feeling my orgasm starting to build. “Not without my permission”, “Yes Sir. Please Sir, please may I cum Sir”. “No, not yet”. I whimpered, desperately trying to stop my orgasm. He chuckled. “You cum on my command, don’t you my fuck toy?” “Yes, Sir!” I sobbed.
Willing my body not to cum. I felt his movements become jerky and he commanded that I cum. I exploded, my ass pulsing and clenching his cock tightly. He roared out his own release. He slumped over, pulling me to the bed with him. He lay there still buried in my ass holding me to him. I felt comforted and secure in his arms. Like nothing else mattered. Just him and me together sharing this moment. He slowly withdrew as I remained on my side. He stood and retreated to the bathroom to clean himself. I did not move. Not sure my legs would support me. I heard the shower turn on and he commanded me to join him. I rose assuring my legs were steady and approached the bathroom. He stepped in the shower and signaled for me to follow. He wet a washcloth and handed it to me with the soap. I lathered the washcloth with soap and immediately got to work scrubbing his neck, chest and arms. When I was done I asked him to turn to scrub his back, as he turned I stepped forward breathing in his scent as I washed his back. Slowly making my way down his legs.
Turning once again, I knelt, gently washing his penis and ball sack. Making sure to clean him thoroughly front to back. He rinsed off, kissed my forehead and said, “clean up and then come back to bed”. At that he exited the shower dried off and headed back to bedroom. I realized I still had my nipple jewelry on and immediately took it off before washing myself. Drying off, I returned to the room to see him lounging in the bed. I stood at the door waiting for instruction. He looked up smiled and tapped the bed beside him. “Come and lay beside me” he said. I moved forward, and slowly entered the bed to lie next to him. He brought his lips to mine and kissed me slowly. Then guided my head to his chest. I lay there listening to his heartbeat as he stroked my hair. A sense of peace and contentment enveloped me. “Sleep, we will talk in the morning”. I drowsily murmured “Yes, Sir as I felt my eyes close and I drifted off to sleep.

Sometimes things happen, they are beyond your control. Sometimes you feel for every step forward you get knocked back two steps. Life is going to happen. It is our decision whether we walk through the storm with our head held high or if we allow the storm to sweep us away and destroy us. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I am a strong, intelligent woman who has so much to offer.

Let the lightening strike, let the storm brew, but I will stand tall and prevail.

I was surprised. I hadn’t seen him in six months. He had checked in occasionally to see how I was, but I hadn’t been in his presence in six months. Out of the blue, he asked to meet him for dinner. He knew I had a remote controlled anal plug and he asked me to wear it with the plug off until I got to the restaurant and to make sure I had the remote with me. A dress and no panties, his instructions were clear. It would take me forty minutes to get to the restaurant. By the time I got there I was already wet.
I wore a short red dress, with red heels and no panties. The silk clung to my body revealing my curves and the hard work I had put in to become healthy. I felt sexy and desirable. An anal plug was seated in my tight hole and I prayed my juices didn’t flow down my thighs embarrassing me. I lifted my head high and walked up to him. He was waiting by the restaurant entrance. He took in my outfit and a sly grin encompassed his face, his eyes burning holes into me. He held out his hand and I knew what he was asking for. I handed him the remote. “Good Girl” he said with his deep voice that always made me melt for him. He placed a hand on my lower back leading me into the restaurant.
It had been so long since I had seen him and I felt my knees go weak when his mouth came close to my ear and he said to me, “You look stunning this evening.” I smiled and my cheeks reddened as I thanked him for his compliment. The staff led us to a booth and I waited for him to direct me to where he wished me to sit. As the waiter came for our drink orders I suddenly felt a jolt as I felt the plug’s vibration. I jumped slightly at the surprise, but quickly regained my composure. His smirk told me I was in for a fun evening. He decided on our meals and I ordered what he requested. Something I had missed, handing over control of meal and drink choices to him. I smiled as my heart warmed at the memory. It’s been 6 months, since we’d been together, but I still remembered like it was yesterday. We talked about things that were going on in our lives. He mentioned how healthy I looked. I told him I had reached my goal weight but I felt I wanted to be at a lower weight as a cushion so I wouldn’t fret if I had an off week. I was different from when he saw me last. More focused, not stressed, not a life in chaos. Much more peaceful, calmer and more attuned to my self being and worth. I had put in the hard work and it was paying off. I walked through life with more confidence. My peace and joy was no longer tied to how others viewed me. 
When we had been together my life was chaotic. It had been unfair to him to be dealing with a woman whose life was in shambles and her wounds were deep and unhealed. What he saw before him was not the same woman of six months ago. Sitting here now was a woman who knew who she was and what she wanted. 
We laughed together. He gave me a reprieve at dinner by turning the device off while I ate. There was a look in his eyes, like he was waiting for something. Something he would not see, something I had overcome in the six months that we had been apart. The insecure women that would become embarrassed at a drop of a hat. She was gone. He told me to come sit by him. I immediately got up and moved to his side of the table. He stood up and allowed me to slide in. My skirt rode up slightly as I sat and unlike in the past, I did not try to pull it down to cover myself. He laid a hand on my thigh and began to caress me, reaching higher with each stroke. I opened my legs slightly to allow him access. His eyebrows lifted slightly in surprise. He leaned toward me and murmured, “Are you wet for me, my little toy?” I stared at him and said “Yes, Sir. Always”. My eyes did not leave his. “Good”, is all he said as his fingers brushed against my wetness. He hummed in appreciation. He withdrew his fingers and brought them to my lips. I opened my mouth and gently sucked on his fingers. Never once lowering my gaze from his. He smiled and when the waiter returned we declined dessert. He paid the bill and we left the restaurant. I had no expectations, I knew what I wanted but I would not make assumptions and if this ended here I would be satisfied just to have spent a wonderful evening sharing a meal with him. What he didn’t know is that I had put on my nipple jewelry tonight. The long delicate silver chains that draped down from my neck were attached to pearl droplets secured to my nipples, with tassels and a matching chain waistlet. They were all interconnected as one piece. He had been staring at the chains most of the evening seeing how they had disappeared into the V of my neckline. 
He walked me to my car and opened my door. As I turned around to face him, he grabbed my hair and pulled me toward him. His lips met mine and I opened myself to him. Moaning into his mouth as I surrendered myself to him. His kiss deepened, and I felt myself become more aroused from his passion. His mouth found my neck as he pushed open the front of my dress. To reveal that I had no bra but he could clearly see the intricate jewelry. “Aren’t you full of surprises tonight”. I smiled but said nothing. “What do you want?” He asked. “I want you, Sir. Wherever and whenever you want me, however you want me. You control me. You and only you.” He growled and pulled my breast out and brought his mouth down to suckle it. I moaned but did not look away.
He bit down and I whimpered but did not pull away. His hand snaked up my dress and his fingers found my sex wet for him. He groaned and he lifted his head and saw my gaze was
focused solely on him. Nothing else around me mattered, nothing else existed. He told me to unbuckle his pants and I did so without lowering my gaze from his. “On your knees,” he commanded. Without a second thought I dropped to my knees, only looking at him. I focused solely on the front of his pants, nowhere else. He unzipped himself and took out his hard cock. My breath caught in my throat and my pulse increased. But I was perfectly still awaiting his instructions. “Open”. One word that was all and I gladly opened my mouth to receive him. He rubbed his cock along my lips and then gently entered my mouth. I felt such joy at the feeling of him in my mouth. I swiped my tongue around the head of his penis. Delighting at the feeling of his cock jumping in my mouth. He entered farther pushing to the back of my throat and held me there in place. I breathed through my nose and relaxed my throat. Suddenly he pulled out, pulled me up by my hair and pulled me toward him as he kissed me deeply. About that time two people walked by. I had not noticed them, had not heard them as I was so focused on him. He stopped  briefly expecting me to pull away. I didn’t I just melted into him. I moaned into his mouth begging him to continue. As the couple drove away I dropped my hand, hovering but not touching him. I briefly broke our kiss, looking at him I asked permission to touch him. He smiled and said “You may”. I gently wrapped my hand around his rigid girth swirling my thumb over his precum. My pussy clenched wanting so badly to feel him inside me. He suddenly turned me toward my vehicle bending me over the drivers seat, pulling my dress up over my hips. “No panties, good girl”. Then I felt the smack and bucked forward, the next swat on the other cheek made my pussy gush. “Such a pain slut aren’t you? Spread your legs.” I did as he commanded and felt his cock at my entrance. He slammed into my pussy hard. It had been so long and I had to hold in my scream. “Who’s pussy is this?” He questioned. “Yours Sir.” “Are you my whore?”. “I am your whore Sir.” He pumped harder and faster. I felt full. The plug in my ass vibrating and him pounding my pussy I was moaning and begging for release. I could feel his cock begin to swell and he grunted for me to cum. I felt my pussy clench around him as he emptied himself inside of me. My orgasm pulsing around him, I heard his moan of satisfaction. He lay over me for a bit before he pulled away and I could feel our combined essence dripping down my thighs. I did not move or clean myself. I simply waited for his instructions. He turned me and commanded me to clean him with my tongue. I immediately dropped to my knees and licked his penis and balls clean with my tongue. Not once looking around. Solely focused on him. When I was finished. I continued to kneel until he lifted my chin and signaled for me to stand. He looked at me and I just looked back at him waiting for his next words. Not allowing myself to hope. He just stared for a bit more, before his next words caught me off guard. “You will follow me to the house. I will open my door and you will go in. Remove the anal plug and shower. You will then dry off and kneel on the rug next to my bed in a submissive pose. Do you understand?”
“Yes Sir.” No other words were necessary. I knew the commute to his house was about 25 minutes. I was not going to overthink this. I would not get my hopes up. I would simply cherish any time I had with him. I followed him. Having forgotten what a speed demon he was, I found it difficult to keep up. When we finally pulled in his driveway I felt butterflies in my tummy. I was anxious and maybe a little scared. I did not know what to expect and I would walk into this with no expectations and with the knowledge that I was not in control. I was there at his command. My deepest desire was to submit to his will and his control. With that knowledge I opened my car door and felt a sense of calm and peace come over me as I willingly walked toward him and gave myself over to him completely.

How do you separate what is in your heart, with what is your current reality? Especially, when being so new to the lifestyle non-monogamy, poly and sharing were never in your vocabulary. 
How do you wrap your head around that your relationship with someone is not impacted by their  choice to be with someone else? How is that subject even discussed?
Can anyone give me some insight on this topic?

I am broken. I am tired of acting like everything is okay. When every single day I lose another piece of myself. My mind becoming more numb. I wake up every morning forcing myself to face another day alone. Telling myself things will get better. I am tired, lost, but hide everything I feel. Staying strong for everyone else, but no one is strong for me. No one is there when the flashbacks and the nightmares have me screaming into the darkness and huddling in a corner begging the memories to leave me alone. People only see the mask. The calm, the smiling, the pretending everything is okay. No one sees the war going on inside me. The panic and anxiety, from a night of being in terror. Holding myself as I rock myself to exhaustion, only to get up a couple hours later to work. I still show up like nothing is wrong. Because no one else will. I gave everything to people who never really cared. And now I trust so few people. It is hard to give, when you are desensitized. I learned over and over again that caring too much fractures you in ways than aren’t repairable. I am broken, but I still move forward. Why? What else am I going to do? If I give up, if I stop, then what was the point of my life? Because deep inside I still hope, I still dream that someday, someone will choose me, love me, cherish the gifts I have to offer. 

I long for his control, his dominance. My body hums remembering his touch and the taste of his cum. 
Sitting at home alone on a Friday night horny as hell. I need to masturbate so badly. But that is one thing I will absolutely not do without his permission. I asked, I didn’t get a response, but I will never “assume” that he is okay with touching his pussy without his permission. I had a fantasy where he took me to a dungeon and paraded me around in nothing but his button down shirt a garter belt with black thigh high fishnet stockings and black heels with a collar on and an anal plug vibrating in my ass. Having been ordered to keep my eyes down and not speak unless he asked me a question. He led me to a bench and had me kneel. He placed a blindfold over my eyes. And I waited, anxious and excited all at the same time. Suddenly, I felt my hair being pulled and I hear his command to open. I open my mouth not knowing what to expect. I can feel him close and he whispers in my ear. “Are you my whore?” I respond, “Yes Sir, I am your whore Sir.”  
“Is my whore, going to be a good girl and follow instructions?” he calmly asks. My mouth is still open and I respond “Yes, Sir.” Once again returning to an open mouth.  
Suddenly, I feel the nudge of a cock against my mouth. I do not respond. I haven’t been given permission to take it within my mouth. I hear him say, “take it in your mouth and suck it.” I take it in my mouth as my hand makes contact with my clit. I remain focused. Knowing that if there is a cock in my mouth, my hand is touching my pussy. He hums and says “good girl”. I am thankful for the blindfold, it helps me focus solely on him and not be distracted by what is around me or who is watching. “Get me nice and wet” he directs me and I can tell when he takes in a quick sharp breath that he is not unaffected by my mouth. He suddenly pulls his cock out of my mouth and I can sense him circling behind me. My fingers are still massaging my clit. I feel him behind me his hands massaging my hips. “Spread your legs wider” he commands and I immediately obey. He fingers me making me whimper. “Who do these holes belong to?” He asks. “all my holes belong to you, Sir” I pant trying to keep myself from losing control. I can come only on his command and I would never embarrass and disappoint him by disobeying him in public. He leans over me, and whispers in my ear “I am going to take all three of them tonight and show everyone what a good little slut you are”.  My pussy clenches around his finger and he chuckles. “You are a little whore aren’t you? Maybe I will let others use toys on you. But my cock is the only cock that will take any of your holes. And why is that?” “Because I am your slut Sir. You own all of me Sir”, I answer clearly and without hesitation. I feel it deep down. That he is who I have chosen to submit to. All of me is his to control. “Good Girl” he growls and he enters my pussy in one stroke, burying himself deep inside me. He begins to relentlessly pound into me, as my moans escape between my lips. I whimper as I feel myself begin to edge toward release. I beg to be allowed to cum. With a smack on my ass he tells me “No”. I pull myself back from the brink. Feeling every stroke of his cock inside me. He then begins to move the anal plug in and out in rhythm with his strokes and again I find myself on the brink whimpering desperately trying to hold off my orgasm. He pulls the plug from my ass and lays it beside me on the bench. I feel the lube against my backside right before he slams into my ass. I scream at the pain mixed with the pleasure of my Master pumping into my tight hole. My senses and nerves are triggered. My legs begin to shake. I feel his cock swelling and I am barely holding on. “Cum for me” he breathes into my ear and I detonate. My pussy and ass simultaneously clenching, my legs shaking uncontrollably and I try to catch my breath as the tremors overtake my body. A euphoric feeling engulfs my body as I sense darkness enveloping me and my body getting heavy. 
I jolt awake disoriented, not knowing where I am. Reaching out for my Master. He was there holding me close, stroking my hair. “That was magnificent”, he complimented me. “What happened?” I asked somewhat embarrassed. He smiled at me, “Your total submission”.

My Dom said he wanted to take me somewhere tonight. He handed me his white button down shirt, black heels, black fishnet thigh highs and a black and red lace garter belt and a red and black silk and lace mask.
He walks me to the car and places the mask over my eyes. We drive for a while and then come to a stop. I wait patiently and nervously when I hear his door open and a few minutes later mine opens. He takes my hand and assists me out of the vehicle. He comes close to my ear and says. “You will do exactly what I say and you will not speak unless it is your safe word. Do you understand?” I whisper yes sir as all my nerve endings seem to come alive. “Good girl”, he growls. I tentatively walk with him leading me. I know we have gotten into an elevator and we are heading downward. As we exit the elevator I can hear erotic deep base music playing. Suddenly, I hear another male voice. “What have we here?” My Dom says, “I brought my sub to play.” The man says to my Dom.
“Divine, enjoy yourselves.”  
My Sir leads me to a quieter area. I am a bit disoriented with the music, and not being able to see. Suddenly we stop and he turns me. “Do you remember your safe word my little Plaything?” I shake my head yes. Mindful that I am not to speak. Suddenly, he grabs me by the back
of my head and kisses me passionately. He says, “You are my fuck toy and I plan to share you tonight. Do you understand me?” I stiffen. Frightened but wanting to submit to my Sir’s request. I shake my head affirmatively. “You will not cum unless I tell you to.”
Again I nod. He begins to unbutton the shirt that I have on. Exposing my breasts and my bare pussy. He takes my shirt off and he grabs my hair and commands me to my knees. I am on my knees, legs spread and my palms on my knees. Chest out and eyes cast down.
I hear a belt buckle loosen and a zipper. Suddenly, I feel something slap my face and realize it is a cock.
“Open” he commands. As I open my mouth I feel his member enter my mouth. He goes deep to the back of my throat and I try not to gag as he pounds in and out. He pulls out and I feel him rubbing his balls against my lips. “Lick”, he says gruffly. I lick his balls, his shaft and the tip. I taste his pre-cum and I moan. “You’re my little cum slut.” He grabs my hair and pulls me to my feet. He back me up until my legs hit a piece of furniture. He tells me to sit.  He lifts my legs and swings them up on what appears to be a table. He lays me flat and pulls both my arms over my head where he cuffs them with padded Velcro straps. He then takes each ankle and attaches similar straps. I am startled when suddenly the bottom of the table spreads my legs apart exposing my most private area. I hear him growl. “Beautiful”.
 
I feel his hands running across my body. Over my breasts. Pinching them. I whimper as I feel myself get wet. Then it stops. I hear him walk away leaving me alone. I become anxious and my breathing begins to become rapid. I hear him walk back toward me and feel a slap across my pussy that makes me jump. A crop. Then I feel two sets of hands caressing my breasts, pinching them and then two separate mouths attach themselves to each nipple. I become tense and my heart rate increases. And suddenly everything stops. “Relax. I am right here.”, he says. And I become calm hearing his voice. The mouths return to my breasts and I moan as the sensation makes me tingle and ache. Once again I feel the crop smack across my pussy and I yelp.
I feel his presence between my legs as he runs his fingertips from my ankles to my inner thighs. My whole body shivers at his caress. Slowly he makes his way up my thighs, lightly skimming over might outer lips, I feel his breath against me as he parts them. Running his tongue from my entrance to my clit. I buck at the sensation. He just chuckles. “Hmmm, my little whore enjoys that”. And he clamps his mouth over my clit sucking and tugging it. I squeal and moan as I feel my clit spasm. He uses his hand to run up and down my inner lips. Before he uses two fingers to enter me, curling them upward as he nibbles on my clit. I can barely catch my breath. The stimulation on my nipples and what he is doing to my pussy is sending me in to overdrive. I thrash my head back and forth whimpering and trying not to cum. My begging moans and whimpers. One of the persons at my breasts, notes how beautifully flushed my body is. Stating he wants to see me cum undone. I am on the edge desperately trying not to disappoint my Dom. He stops his ministrations and suddenly I feel his cock at my entrance. He slams into me hard. I scream as he hits my cervix. He pumps faster and harder and I am desperate not to cum. I feel him lean over and in my ear moans for me to cum for him. I immediately detonate. My legs shaking violently as my pussy clenches around him.
He pumps two more times as he groans out his release. “Good girl”, he praises me. I sigh as I drift back down from my intense orgasm. 

The collar means a lot of things to different people. What it meant to me goes so much deeper than ownership. To me it was so much more than offering my submission:

It was the giving of my loyalty. Knowing I would never cross a line and dishonor the bond of the collar.

It was trust in my Dominant that he had my best interest at heart in all his decisions when related to our dynamic.

It was devotion and the giving of my heart, fragile as it may be, entrusting him not to shatter it. 

It was the giving of control in so many aspects of my life, with the trust and expectation that he would never hurt me or destroy the gift that I gave freely.

In all this I cherished the bond of the collar and what I thought it meant.
Never take the collar lightly. For some it has so much meaning and emotion behind its significance.

“If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.”

I know there was a time that I spiraled out of control…I hit rock bottom very painfully. I’ve been the girl who had a “defining moment.”

But I’ll tell you what I know for sure: What matters most is not what’s been DONE. What matters most is what you DO NEXT.

I am owning my mess. I have humbled myself. I am picking up the broken pieces and making it my mission to remember I am a child of God. I am learning to love myself and learning to be a better mother, daughter and friend. To be the light. To be more supportive. And I have seen what friendship truly is… Because anybody can walk beside you in the sunshine… But a friend willing to climb down into the pit and help you fight your way back up? Those are rare. Those are sacred.

For those who stood by me, thank you.

For those that didn’t and wanted to just stir the pot, and to throw gasoline on my dumpster fire…
I will pray for you….

For those of you that continue to twist the knife you embedded in my back…..

Block.
Phone. Facebook. Access denied.

Because listen…

I am and always will be a meet you on the battlefield kind of friend.

I’m a hold my wine, while I get my baseball bat and we ride at dawn kind of friend.

I’m a stand in the chaos with you until you’re safe kind of friend.

But I am NOT a kick-somebody-while-they’re-down friend.

Those kind of “friends” are not friends. They’re vipers, lurking in the grass ready to strike.
Your joy and happiness starts to die the moment you give those kind of “friends” access.

Shake the dust off your feet when people refuse truth, refuse peace, and refuse transformation.

Not everyone deserves a front-row seat to your life. Remember you decide who stays…
and who gets dusted off.

Sometimes I sit and think what if….

How different would my life be if….

If I hadn’t been abused as a child…

If I hadn’t been assaulted….

If I had actually been able to LIVE my life, not just survive it. 

Instead of constantly healing from things I never asked for or deserved. 

Would I have entered this lifestyle sooner, or not at all?

I wonder what I would have become if I wasn’t always recovering from situations that weren’t my fault, from being the physical, sexual or verbal punching bag for others who hoisted their own insecurities on me, expecting me to be responsible for carrying the burden. 
My heart hurts from realizing I spent so much time and energy just enduring instead of living a full and happy life. 
What hurts the most? Everything I missed out on, because I went into protection mode, while I coped with the trauma and the scars left behind. 

I deserved better. I deserved to be chosen, to be loved, to be cherished. But life is funny, it waits for no one. While I tried to pick up the pieces, heal, makes sense of why things happened, it just kept going, leaving me behind to lick the wounds that I didn’t cause. 
And yet I still wonder, what if…. And is it too late?