I spent 28 years in a strictly Vanilla marriage. No toys, nothing outside of missionary. Any hint or word asking for more was met with derision. Being told those thoughts or desires were sinful or deviant. The one toy I had the courage to buy myself was thrown away and I was berated for purchasing such a thing.
Ten minutes start to finish and him rolling over to sleep. Meanwhile, I lay there staring up at the ceiling unfulfilled. I became good at waiting g for him to sleep and in complete silence masturbating for release. But the bitterness grew, the longing for more.
I took a job that required that I travel out of state for months. Once again I bought myself a toy. The enjoyment I gleaned from it made me giddy. The contracts continued to come in 4 years on the road, children grown and nothing left binding me to a man who treated me as nothing more than an ATM. I finally found the courage to walk away.
Shortly after that I made friends with someone in the lifestyle. He had his own submissive but encouraged me to explore. Even giving me websites to visit for research. I met someone, on one of these websites. We talked a bit and agreed to meet. He opened me to things I had never experienced before. Unfortunately, for reasons I cannot go into for his privacy it didn’t work out. But the experience had me craving more. Despite many obstacles I was facing in my life and with little to no experience in the lifestyle I went back on the site. I met a wonderful Dominant. I wasn’t exactly sure what to “label” myself. My test had me leaning toward “Switch”. I imagine if I take the test now it might be quite different. We change, we evolve. What struck me most was his voice on the phone. Strong, firm, commanding but with a definitive sense of protectiveness.
I will honestly say I fell hard. Here is the thing, when you don’t truly understand the lifestyle you make mistakes that in a vanilla relationship may not seem like a big thing, but in a D/s relationship are critical errors. And those mistakes were deeply disrespectful.
For me I should have taken time to heal after my divorce. I should have better understood the lifestyle before jumping in. Through all this I have grown, I have learned. I have learned that every dynamic is different and as diverse as the people within the lifestyle. I have met some wonderful people in this lifestyle and some not so nice people as well.
I am so thankful that I didn’t throw in the towel and walk away. I learn things about myself daily. I have an incredible Dominant that challenges me. That pushes me to be better, to become the confident, beautiful woman that he sees. I am forever grateful for his guidance. There is one thing I know for certain, I can never go back to a vanilla relationship. There is no turning back for me.