Sometimes I sit and think what if….
How different would my life be if….
If I hadn’t been abused as a child…
If I hadn’t been assaulted….
If I had actually been able to LIVE my life, not just survive it.
Instead of constantly healing from things I never asked for or deserved.
Would I have entered this lifestyle sooner, or not at all?
I wonder what I would have become if I wasn’t always recovering from situations that weren’t my fault, from being the physical, sexual or verbal punching bag for others who hoisted their own insecurities on me, expecting me to be responsible for carrying the burden.
My heart hurts from realizing I spent so much time and energy just enduring instead of living a full and happy life.
What hurts the most? Everything I missed out on, because I went into protection mode, while I coped with the trauma and the scars left behind.
I deserved better. I deserved to be chosen, to be loved, to be cherished. But life is funny, it waits for no one. While I tried to pick up the pieces, heal, makes sense of why things happened, it just kept going, leaving me behind to lick the wounds that I didn’t cause.
And yet I still wonder, what if…. And is it too late?