Hello…
I haven’t written anything in a little while, but I’ve been wanting to type something up for a while. As always, I’m just gonna start writing and see where things go.
Sex is so strange to me sometimes. It’s funny that I could want to do something so much and yet find it so.. Terrifying. I guess it’s more so the fear of trusting someone enough to let them that close to me. I’ve not had much experience with men, but the experiences I have had thus far haven’t been the most desirable. I was bullied when I was younger and had a hard time believing anyone was actually interested in me, friendship or otherwise. I met a guy who was so shy and kind to me that something in me believed him when he said he liked me. We dated for about 6 months before he broke up with me. During our relationship, sex was brought up a couple of times. I guess my insecurity kept me from just saying yes to him. I’d shut him down, and he’d just say “Ok”... at least at first. Eventually, he got more and more persistent, and I guess I began to worry that he’d decide I was boring him… I had been involved with men way too old for me way too soon… He was the first guy my age who took an interest in me… I didn’t want to lose him… so I slept with him.
Months later, I noticed just how distant he’d always been. I found myself begging for his affection. I found myself resenting him yet desiring him all the same. When he left for the summer, we’d talk all the time… until we didn’t. He broke up with me, and while I don’t remember everything he said, I remember him saying this: “I never loved you. I just felt bad for you.” What a cruel thing to say to a girl who wanted nothing more than to love… and be loved by you. I don’t know why I’ve been so unlucky with the guys I’ve met. At some point, I guess I just gave up on believing them. I find it funny how easily people can lie to your face just because they feel like it.
I wish I could separate my emotions from sex. Maybe I’d be less miserable that way. A lot of people say college is supposed to be about self-discovery. I wish I could go to a party without being the “weird fat girl” in the corner. I wish people didn’t find it so funny to dare their friends to hit on me as a joke. I don’t care much about what people say anymore… I just wish they’d stop excluding me from everything. It’d be easier not to care if I had people that actually cared to hang out with me… invite me to places… let me invite them somewhere without making excuses as to why they can’t come while posting online about how they went out here or there. I wonder sometimes what’s so odd about me that so many people seem so uninterested in being my friend. I wish someone other than my parents would call me pretty… would call me period. I wish I had someone who understood me. I wish I weren’t so invisible to everyone, and yet I wish I didn’t stand out so much. I wish I weren’t treated like an outsider by the people interested in the same interests as me. I wish my conversations lasted more than 5 minutes. I wish I didn’t care about people who don’t care about me.
As I said before, I’m going to add some of my old poetry below:
(TW)
I tell myself it's getting better
For once I think it actually is
I don't want to die anymore
Still sometimes I don't want to live
You call me selfish so I stay
Today is better than the day before
I didn't wake up and cry
I went to sleep crying though
I don't even know why
You call me ungrateful so I stay
The headaches aren't that bad anymore
I'm nauseous when I eat
I'm dizzy when I stand
I'm nauseous sitting in my seat
You say you're tired so I stay
I know it's not my fault now
You say I'm to blame
To him you say I'm innocent
Somehow that means the same
You say you love me so I stay
If I ever end up with a man like you
Insult me
If I ever become a woman like you
Shoot me
You both say, “I love you” so it all stays