Hello…
The other day in one of my classes we talked about the saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.”( This reminded me of a few things I’d written before and I guess I’m gonna try and combine them and add on to it here and there? Anyway… back to the story at hand)
In reality… that’s not true at all. Sure the phrase was meant to be a stand against childish bullying but words are the pathway to everything. Written or spoken. Signed or braille. Words change lives. Words end lives. Words give meaning to life. Words build connections. Words break them too. Words build empires and let people document how they fall.
I don’t know what words to say to you… I’m happy. But I find I cannot be happy without still being so sad. I want to tell you everything but I don’t think it really matters anyway. I’ve always wanted what I cannot have. I want something you cannot give me. I want to be happy without crying… just once. To smile and not have to remember how things will end… how they always end…
I’m dramatic… I know that… I wonder if you hate that… I don’t know how to ask if you do. I want to be perfect… I’m not… I’m sure you don’t expect me to be but I want to be perfect enough for you to stay. I don’t want to be alone but I cannot keep you. I think so far ahead that I can’t even enjoy where we are now. I just feel sad…
I’m afraid of being happy I think… it’s still surprising when people are nice to me… when people actually look at me. When people talk to me… I’m afraid to just end up exactly where I started in the end. Afraid to care too much when I know I always do. Afraid to say too much. Afraid your words are empty. Afraid to enjoy the fleeting moments. Afraid you’ll never come back.
It must be so nice not to think the way I do. Not to be so attached to the idea of connection. To have other things to worry about other than how much you want to matter to someone. To not look weeks… months… years into the future and find all the reasons everything you want didn’t work out. To not be naive and optimistic despite all the pessimistic predictions.
I wonder what it’d be like not to be so scared all the time. I wonder what you want… I wish it didn’t scare me so much to ask. Somehow not knowing is better than the option that’s it’s just nothing at all.