I have to be honest with myself, and with all of you. For a second, I thought I was a Mommy Domme. It felt right, in a way. I am so exhausted from doing all the containment work myself that I was ready to claim the power to do it for others. I told myself my authority was a strength, a sign of what I could offer. I looked for partners who needed a firm hand, thinking that if I could just give what I was looking for, maybe I’d finally receive it. I wore the crown. I built the throne. And I still felt empty.
My dominant tendencies, my "Mommy" voice, my need for partners who provide a service—these aren't a reflection of my true nature. They are a symptom of my desperation. I am a middle, and when a middle is left without a source of containment, they will build a fortress around themselves. The “domme” I was trying to be was just that: a fortress. A coping mechanism. My frustration isn't with men who failed to be good Doms; it is with a world that forced ME to be dominant when all I’ve ever wanted was to be held.
I have AuDHD. My mind is a beautiful, chaotic place. And when that chaos is left unchecked, I am not a Dominant. I am a child, terrified and alone in a meltdown. My Dominant tendencies are my attempt to regulate myself. My requests for service are a plea for help. I am looking for a partner to see through the authority to the terrified middle who is begging for someone to take the reins.
But the beautiful truth is that a middle can still have a firm hand. The anger I feel is not an act of dominance; it is a sign of my self-respect. I have a firm hand because I have had to learn to take care of myself. My "Mommy" voice is not a sign of my power over others; it is a sign of my unwavering loyalty to the scared middle who lives inside of me. I will fight for her. I will protect her.
So here is my truth. I AM A MIDDLE!!! I am in search of a true Dominant who understands that my need for containment is not a demand but a fragile requirement for my safety. My authority is a symptom of a deep need. I am looking for a partner who can see me, all of me, and who is strong enough to take the reins from the middle who has been holding them for far too long.