My Journey finding my dream daddy dom

I messaged Aiken today and it is getting intense. He is very sweet and patient with me. It is such a turn on to have a guy that makes you feel special. Today at work, I had to deal with a customer over how much money they got from a refund. They were luckily that I knew where the item was and the price. Otherwise they would be refund but i digress. I withdrew money to use for the laundromat tomorrow. I really need to do laundry. My nipples are very sensitive and tender to the touch. Yet I am hesitant to say the words of being under his protection. i want to be committed to him and give him my body, my soul, my mind. I keep referencing, the trauma and disappointment of being with a weak man that couldn't even satisfy my wants and needs. Should i take the leap of faith and be fully committed to Aiken or should i hold back more? I really like him and want him. I just don't know what to do. Someone please leave some advice.

Work was quick yet funny. The toilets had a shit geyser and the floors had to be cleaned up. Aiken is ready to put a collar on me. I feel like saying yes but I have to be very careful with it since my nightmare ex ruined me. He would degrade me on my weight, my looks and even how I made meals. Then he complains a lot about the fact I never look sexy nor want to sleep with him.  Or even I call or text him asking him if he needs anything from the store before I go to finish grocery shopping. He complains about it and when I get home he complains about what I bought. He made me not wanting to wear lingerie or cook him meals because why would i do anything for someone if they are going to complain about it anyway. Aiken is very polite, sweet and caring. He is actually interested in what I say or do. he makes me want to make caramel apple pie or gooseberry pie for him. I could wear lingerie for him and let him go primal. I would let Aiken take me deeply, slowly, hungrily. I keep seeing his face and feeling his body pounding into me like a cement drill . Until I finally cum  from his masculine  power. I better go, i open the store tomorrow and need to open the store.

9:39pm

April 21, 2026

Today I finally washed my walls and it looks amazing. I shaved my cunt smooth. I have been talking to this guy. We will refer to him as Aiken. He works with horses. I envy him since I always wanted to learn to ride a horse especially bareback.  he is a hopeless romantic and is very sweet. He kind of repeats his words and questions a lot like he has memory loss or something but he is still so cute. He is already talking about putting a collar on me while i am servicing him; meanwhile another  dom we will call Mjolnir is planning a trip to the states just to get his rocks off and see the sights. Some of these doms don't understand that my submission isn't automatically given it is earned.  Something that I feel is being forgotten in society today. Men actually want to put in the work to obtain something anymore and have the pure blissful feeling of accomplishing it from their own merits?  Or does lowering the bar till it is at the earth's core is enough to make men feel like doing the bare minimum as some kind of grand prize? Anyway I am struggling to figure out what new cookie recipe I should do to fill my cute Hello Kitty cookie jar. I was thinking of making brownie cookies or maybe twix cookies. I haven't decide what to make yet.  Aiken is the type of guy that is crossing all of my boxes but it is kind of funny I never see him smile. Maybe it is a guy thing not to smile in their profiles but I still love how he makes me feel special and seen. I feel like both parts of me my vanilla side i call Eve and my kink side I call Ledusa can finally have a place to rest. At least I hope so. I better go I open the store tomorrow.

Today was full of funny mishaps. For starters, my communicator was dead silent for 3 hours only to find out. I wasn't connected to the system and needed to be connected to hear every bulletin and reminder of our goals. Then I had to clean up gummy bears near my department and didn't realize it was opened at the bottom until I saw a trail of gummy bears towards my counter. After work, I picked up my order from Dave's hot chicken and left for home only to remember that I left it at the restaurant . So I had to double back to the restaurant to get it. Then, there was water in my lunchbox meaning my bottled water wasn't screwed back on properly. And i bought two of the same tanktop from my plus size store: Torrid. They were final sale. So there is no need to blame the store. It is my mistake for not looking at the order carefully before placing the order. Loki is very clever in his own way but I am so bored with the foreplay. I want action. I want to feel the different sensations. I want physical closeness and intimacy. I am so tired of begging, hoping, wanting my dream daddy dom to just take me deeply, possessively, hungrily ravage me till my legs shake and my eyes roll back. I want a dream daddy dom to put me in my place but satisfy my every depraved fantasies especially the one where they use a conservative woman getting manhandled her. I better go to sleep. Now I am falling asleep.

Today I took out the trash in my room and bathroom. I looked through some stuff in my room to donate to the thrift store. I enjoy getting rid of stuff I don't need or want then giving away to someone else that will actually use it. I managed to shave my armpits so now they are more comfortable now. I was watching trans woman having sex with a woman before my vibrator stopped. It is the ultimate edging torture at least to me. I talked to a dom today. We will call him by the Norse trickster god Loki. Loki is very entertaining but due to distance. I know there is no way we could meet but it is just teasing foreplay at this point. I desire so much to be with a long haired daddy dom. I keep obsessing over what his face would look like when he comes or the type of sounds he makes when he moans. I even see how firm and strong his hands are when he handles using the rope or bondage tape on me. I wish I could be intimate with him right now. There is a single mixer happening near my workplace. Tickets are expensive but I am thinking of going if the men are good looking. I found a recipe where I can make marshmallow cheesecake but it uses actual marshmallows not marshmallow fluff. I will be cooking Cornish hen for dinner next week. I hope these boys will love the Victorian inspired dinner. Maybe I should go to Scotland and get properly pinned to castle walls. I better go I have to open the store tomorrow

I am always hitting up the same websites to find my potential dream daddy dom. I get a lot of closted white intept men who seeks to scratch an itch of wanting to own a black submissive. I turn majority of them down since they give off creepy vibes. I even virtually encountered a man that I like but is too busy to give me a time or date. I want to see a daddy dom in person butI rather meet in person. My body aches for discipline and for pleasure. I want to enjoy his  stern punishment but also his rommantic caring nature when he bathes me and tends to any of the bruises.

I will be brief tonight since i have to open the store tomorrow. I paid for groceries for the dinner for Monday. I forgot the light brown sugar and couldn't find rainbow trout, so i had to settle with cornish hens instead. I talked to one dom and seems to be ok. I just really want to go on a date with doms i interact on this site but at the same time. I still want to be treated as a human being and loved for all of me not the bdsm side of me. I want to be restrained in bondage tape but afterwards rest my head on his chest watching a good tv show or game show. i read an article on here about bdsm dates. I never been on one but I would love to experience it even if it doesn't produce a secound date. It would be something to remember. I better go to sleep. I have work tomorrow.

9pm

April 8, 2026

So today I only half of what I wanted to do. I did minimal self care, used a coupon that was going to expire today and used a $10 dollar cash reward from my favorite plus size store: Torrid. I helped a guy reach climax by watching him cum on cam. He is a vouyyeurist  and took pleasure for being watched doing sexual acts. Part of me feels I should get into the industry where I help both men and women embrace their sexual urges or gratifications. Maybe go back to school and take up sexology to become  a sexologist. I don't know maybe a cam girl or working girl like they permit in the UK. I talked to three men last night. One of whom was checking up on me to see how I am doing. I wish he could just stop working so hard and just spend time with me instead. But I understand why he works hard and why I can't get close to him. Being betrayed so many times is bound to develop mistreats to other people. I keep seeing my dream dom more and more when I sleep. Falling for an image of him but looking deseperately through life for his essence. My dream daddy dom had me near his feet. He has me sucking his cock completely blindfolded, there is this buzzing noise between my legs controling when I can cum, always edging me but never letting me cum. I have hot soy wax that dried on my tits and my ass, he keeps shocking me whenever I start to slow down or pause from sucking his cock. My body begs and pleads for him to take me deeply, forcibly primal ravage my cunt. When he finally gets to cum in my mouth and he fufills my desire. I feel like I am floating on a cloud, like i am in heaven and truly madly in love with my daddy dom. I would love to be his submissive and his wife all in one. Yet again I have to wait and get myself together before I can have him.

Day 2

April 8, 2026

2:34am

I can't sleep right now due to the turmoil of the States today. I will try to be brief. Yesterday I had work just the normal closing the store. Time runs fast when you are enjoying laughs with coworkers. Anyway in the personal life, I am almost done paying off 3 of the loans and been very consistent in paying my credit cards. Mainly buying clearance items instead of the full price items. I also have been eliminating memberships I rarely use. It helps out a lot. I was sick for a few weeks so my fitness was off the table so I have to get back in the habit of it again. A male friend of mine will call Hood contacted me. He asked me why I haven't talked to him the longest. I told him I have been focused on myself and have no more words left to say for him. I can't wait for someone who expects me to put 90% of the work when you are only willing to do 10% of it. I am still seeking my dream dom sometimes I see him in my dreams. He always yanking on my red collar or he is teaching me something important but I am falling asleep from his lessons and being spanked with his big strong hands of his on my big juicy butt of mine. I wish the men in society were like the Scottish men. Especially if they act like my favorite influencer when he talks about pinning women to castle walls. I wonder how good that would feel if I was pinned on those same walls with just strappy lingerie. I better get some sleep, I need to work out in the morning and do some desperately needed self care  

I posted an ad on doublelist.com. I mostly got weirdos who wanted sex. I declined them all and even put one in their place. I choose my dom and when to submit to them. I determined if they are worthy of my submission and I am not going to yield because you demand it without providing an environment where i can be submissive. I played with myself again and didn't get any satisfaction from it. I desire to be in a certain scenario where i am being hunted and i am taken by a wild man or a Viking. It gets me wet every time. I have to wait till my dream daddy dom comes for me and makes me his. How I wish it was soon.