I am usually the eternal optimist...for everyone else! I try to be that for myself too, but lately I feel like I am weighed down in a sea of "what if..."
***My crazy work schedule is also a contributor, and I know this. People around me have learned the difference between me and tired me. Sometimes I need to remind myself, or be reminded, to not make decisions or allow myself to navigate the What ifs in these moments.***
Back to the what ifs...
-what if I am not able to do it? I think I can but feel like I am failing and will fail miserably. I hate failing. Yes failure is inevitable sometimes...and it is a launchpad for growth.
-what if the bottom falls out of my plans?
-what if I get to Italy and.... (Too many what ifs here to list....talk about insecurities flying high! this blog is NOT just about my upcoming trip to Italy)
-what if I really am selfish and only thinking if myself?
-what if my choices hurt someone else?
-what if something better comes along?
-what if...WHAT IF....WHAT IF....WHAT IF....and the what if becomes a loud screech, piercing to the depths of my soul like the 6 year old I nanny when she screams at me that "SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE KIND!!!"
And then I want to just retreat....pull back. Build walls.
Protect myself....but from what? Or from who? From myself? From my fears? From other people? But will that help? No not really. Yet in the same breath I don't want to burden others with it....I know these are fears and I am not really thinking rationally. Yep, I am a beautiful and amazing hot mess.
My days aren't always crashes of what if waves that threaten to pull me under. Sometimes the what if waves are beautiful and refreshing. Today they feel more like the waves that will take me down and knock me out-the waves that beat me into submission.
I am thankful that I have people in my life who aren't going to let me drown. People that will stand out IN THE MIDDLE of the waves with me-together. (Even and especially when from their perspective they can't see why I would be feeling the way that I do.) They love me anyway...love me through it. And I am thankful .
And even in the state of overwhelm right now, there is a quieter What If pulling me along....
"What if I fall?
But Darling, what if you fly?
And that hope of flying pushes me on....one foot in front of the other. Moment by moment.
Friend, if you are overwhelmed I hope you have people to walk through it with you. If you don't, I make a great friend. I'll lend my hand to walk through it with you. Truly. 💖
For now I just want to put some headphones on and drown it all out in song (and sing along at the top of my lungs) And perhaps I may. Perhaps there is a safe Harbor I can run to before the worst of the waves crash. Perhaps my safe Harbor will have a towel to help dry my soaked self off....and dry the tears from my eyes. Perhaps...
